The mental load of loving this much

People are well-meaning when they say to mothers: take a night away.

Take a date night. Get a babysitter. Take on less tasks, say no to more things. As if it’s as simple as moving some blocks around. People see the physical, the schedule, the task list. What people do not understand- and how can they? Is the mental litany that runs end over end in one’s mind and never stops. Even with support, breaks, and ‘only’ one kid (oh, it’s like a vacation with one! some people have said to me.)

People have made parenting so complicated now, they say. In our day we let them run around the street and didn’t come back until the streetlights came on.

They also say, the child was taken right from their front yard.
What was the careless mother thinking?

They also say children are viewing porn as young as 8. So keep a strict eye on what they’re watching. And be very aware of what kids you let your kids be around, that the older kids aren’t showing inappropriate things to the younger kids. But don’t be a neurotic helicopter parent. But if they develop a game addiction or get hurt when you are not watching, you’re an abomination of a mother.

Parents are just shoving screens in their children’s faces these days. But also, keep them quiet at the restaurant. Settle them down. That’s no way to behave in public.

They say have your passions. Your child should see you being passionate about something. But better if that passion makes you money. But don’t let your child see you prioritize work over them. They’ll feel like they’re not important enough and grow up to have unsuccessful marriages and relationships. And it’ll all be your fault.

Don’t let them see you argue with your spouse. They’re using your arguments as a blueprint for the future on how to handle conflicts. You are the blueprint, they say. You need to be the calm bed of hay upon which they lay to regulate themselves. And so you must be regulated. Never mind that pop-therapy term only seemed to appear in the last few years and your parents most certainly weren’t preoccupied with ‘regulation.’ Besides, is the goal for a mother to be regulated at all times? Endlessly calm, forever giving, forever a soft place to land. Are we meant to pound our racing heart until it takes a slower pace?

And then you watch the movies where the adults say ‘my mother just gave to everyone else- I never knew her at all.’ So this generation, we say, ‘know me, my child. Know it’s okay to feel the full spectrum of emotions because I too, am human.’ And watch the eyebrows raise around you.

Is he eating too much sugar? He fell and cut his knee- I gave him some chocolate for some sweetness to soothe. They’ll say you’re teaching them to soothe with a vice. When they’re alcoholics later in life- that will be you fault.

Too much screen time? Is he seeing Hugo and I on our screens too much as we wrangle our businesses? Do we need to narrate to him- we’re working. We’re not scrolling. Youre still our priority. Oh but we get marked for response time for when we respond to our customers. And so if we don’t we may lose business. The phone never goes off. The metrics have dictated they cannot.

You’ve carried words and creativity and big visions since you can remember. Motherhood brought that inner world to a deeper undercurrent you never knew existed. You thought being able to convey that creativity would be easy, potent. It’s not. Because while you wish to express the full spectrum of motherhood, you also wish to protect your family like a shell. This looks like lack of creativity. Lack of productivity. It’s not. It all just got so powerful and I’m still figuring out how to untangle it all. And so I refrain because I don’t want to write motherhood poems on the internet nor share what would probably help other women: because so many people then go ‘see! See how bad it is to have a child’.

And, oh God, it’s not. It’s the best thing to ever happen to my life. I am convinced Hugo, Jago and I have found each other in every single lifetime. I’m convinced the pull that told me to get Central America over a decade ago was my family calling my home. And so we found each other, as we always do. As we always will. And that’s why I refrain from even trying to explain how maddening the mental load can be. How everything seems so important, and every decision you make seems tied the person they will become. All the while with the world breathing down your neck telling you how to do it differently, and better, and not like that.

I need to be aware that how I act each day is imprinting someone’s childhood. And that’s not something to brush aside. While also knowing I want to build something of my own, something creative, somewhere where I can express myself and reach other women.

I have a supportive partner who constantly has his hands open for a task. He shovels burdens off my shoulders but there’s one he cannot. And that’s when something goes wrong with children, the accusing finger of society always finds the mother. And that’s what we spend every day whether we know it or not, trying to avoid. ‘Be present’ sounds like a sweet instruction but for mothers it can just be another thing to do, be, practice, perfect. If we sit on the mat and play with our children with our eyes wide open until they’re red, society will ask what you did today that was ‘productive’

If you’re productive, they’ll ask how it feels to be a negligent mother.
If you over-give they’ll scorn you for being a self sacrificing mother. While printing out Mother’s Day cards that say ‘thank you for sacrificing everything for me.’ Do we not see the madness, the way we fracture the psyches of mothers by telling them to be completely opposing things, all at once?

Not overtly, not in so many words. But we see the messaging daily. Don’t worry, we do.

I appreciate your offer to watch my child for an hour or two. I do. I appreciate the well meaning comments on my logistic set-up, I do. But this isn’t fixed by a bubble bath, or a getaway. And it’s not yet another burden we should try untangle ourselves. We need patience. We need care. And we need to be released of this expectation we can do all things well, and perfectly, at all times. And have space to be women in our twenties, thirties and forties, doing life for the first time too.

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