I can see (a little more) clearly now

Hi friend,

If you’re new here: on Sundays, I send a collection of mini memoirs from my life in the UK. Each weekly dispatch is filled with stories and things I’ve noticed—at home, in books, on my walks, in the world, and within myself. My hope is they feel reflective and calming, and inspire you to notice more in your own life. Writing them certainly helps me notice more in mine… 🕯️

Friday, June 19, 2026

It’s 8:30pm and I’ve had the most incredible day off with my friend Sasha. We went out for a nice long breakfast (with HUGE pastries for dessert). We tested out a new sauna/cold plunge spot called Derby Wild Sauna (would recommend to any locals, and it was only £13 for 75 minutes!). We picked up some food to make a “picky bits” dinner—a term the Brits use to describe casual, no-cook meals. Think: tapas laid out on a big grazing plate. And now, we are watching a movie and grazing on this big plate of food on the couch. My old couch from The Lighthouse, in fact! It now lives in her living room.

She’s just paused the movie, and starts to say: “Should we…”

“…have dessert!?” I finish.

Then Sasha bursts into laughter, and so do I, when I realize what she was actually going to say. She was going to ask if we should go for a walk—something we haven’t done today. We both know we “should”… but we don’t want to. It’s hot and humid. It’s been a long day. We are relaxed, and just want to keep relaxing.

Sasha goes into the kitchen and brings back two bowls of vanilla ice cream.

Saturday, June 20, 2026

We’re in Sasha’s car, driving down the highway (or “motorway” as they call it here) toward London. We put this little friend date in our calendars months ago, and now it’s finally here! But it’s going to require a lot of driving: 2 hours there, 2 hours back, and then I’ll get in my car and drive for another 2.5-3 hours to get home. It’s a good thing we both have a lot of experience with road trips, because we know what will help pass the time: music.

We’ve been friends for 8-10 years now (any idea what that number really is, Sasha!?) but it was only in the last couple that we realized we had a lot of the same music taste in our teens and twenties. Makes sense because we were born in the same year… but then, we also grew up in two different countries.

Now we’re finding our old faves, singing along, and swapping stories about what some of these songs meant to us. “Text me that one!” she says more than a few times, so she can add them to a playlist she’ll need later this summer. We’ll be dancing to these songs in August. But for now, we just keep singing…

Sunday, June 21, 2026

After breakfast, Tall Man asked what I want to do today. He cleaned the whole house, did all the laundry, etc. while I was away, so we could have a full day off together. Then he listed off some options, and one stood out. “I want to go to the beach.”

On the drive there, I tell TM that I feel discombobulated.

“That’s a great word!” he says, and I’m reminded of a game we used to play when we were getting to know each other. We went through the alphabet and shared a word (or many words) we loved that started with each letter. I remember starting with “auspicious,” because I had just read it in a poem.

Discombobulated is a great word. But what I mean is that I feel disconnected from my body. A little dissociated. My vision slightly blurred at my peripheral. We had a huge conversation over breakfast today. Not a bad one, just one I didn’t see coming. Thanks to complex-PTSD, this is what happens when I’m caught off-guard.

After a two-hour walk along the sand, I can see things (a little more) clearly.

Monday, June 22, 2026

Monday is largely an admin day for me. That’s true most weeks. I don’t often get much writing done, but I do try to cross all the little things off my list. Replying to comments from Sunday’s newsletter, then replying to emails… then looking at the calendar and making a list of the few work + life things I want to prioritize. This week, I’ve booked a couple important calls. One of them, I have to pay for.

I open up my banking app, enter all the account details, and pay the invoice: £420 ($550 USD/$790 CAD). That’s how much it’s going to cost me to talk to an immigration lawyer this week. I don’t have extra money right now, so have to pull it from savings—and instantly feel broke. Not stressed, just broke (there’s a difference). The next six months might be the most expensive of my life, friend. Money is always on my mind.

Maybe I’ll write another post like this soon…

Tuesday, June 23, 2026

There’s a heatwave coming this week. That’s what everyone’s been talking about (you’ve probably seen it in the news, even if you’re not in Europe), and it looks like it’s going to start today. I haven’t lived at TM’s house for a full year yet, which means I haven’t lived here during a heatwave. I don’t know what will help the house stay cool, but he tells me what he thinks will do the trick—and I’m happy to learn. I want to know this house the way I knew The Lighthouse. So together we close all the windows and doors to rooms at the front of the house for the first 2/3 of the day, then open up everything after dinner. And it works, friend. By the time we go to bed, the house feels ok. This is how we will survive the heat this week.

Flash forward to when I’m writing this on Friday (the hottest day of the week): it’s still working (though today is the most humid of them all, and we can’t escape that). And, I feel like I know this house a little bit better.

Wednesday, June 24, 2026

When I was moving out of The Lighthouse last summer, I sold almost everything I had bought for it. Instead of spending that money, I put it all in an account labelled “Get on a Plane.” TM and I have gone on a number of trips, friend… but we’ve still never been on a plane together. It’s been a hope and a priority for me for a long time. I wanted the money to be ready and available, for whenever it felt doable. That time is now. And tonight, we booked our first flights. We’re going to Portugal in October! 🥳

“We’re going somewhere warm!” I say to TM.

“We’re already somewhere warm…” he laughs, meaning with the heatwave.

“Ok well… we’re getting on a PLANE!”

And I feel like a kid, when I say it.

Thursday, June 25, 2026

I’ve just left the Zoom meeting with my immigration lawyer, and I’m looking at my laptop with a smile on my face. After going through all my details, she told me I’m totally qualified to apply for settlement (called “indefinite leave to remain” here) in December. The government has been looking at making one change, which might take me down a different path that’ll add 5 years to the process. But I’m doing all the right things, so we map out both options in detail. I feel confident in my next steps, and confident that one day I should have settlement status. She even told me that once I get that, I only have to wait 12 months and then I can apply for citizenship. So I might even be a dual citizen!? I don’t want to get ahead of myself… one thing at a time. But I feel like I can finally see my immigration options in front of me.

Before I can submit my application, though, I have to do one thing: pass what’s called the “Life in the UK” test. So after we hang up, I buy the books.

Friday, June 26, 2026

I look at the date on my watch and realize: it’s my self-employment anniversary. Friday, June 26, 2015 was my last day at my last job. Some of you have been hanging out with me online for even longer, so you might remember how afraid I was to quit. I had built up a little bit of savings, and lined up lots of work… but I was still afraid. The story I had to tell myself was that even if I only got to do it for six months, it would be worth it. Somehow, it’s been 11 years…

Actually, I don’t want to say “somehow,” because I know everything I’ve had to do to make this work—and to continue to be able to support myself. I’ve been reflecting on it a lot this week… seeing the work I have done/do/want to do in new ways. I can see how I’m stepping into a more confident version of myself. Someone who isn’t afraid to think bigger and show up more. Is this what happens as we get older, friend? I’m turning 41 soon, and so far, I’m enjoying who I am becoming in this decade.

What have you been able to see a little more clearly this week, friend?

xx Cait