no, i will not be thanking men for talking about misogyny

Every time a man publicly acknowledges misogyny, the responses are almost immediate: “we need to thank men like this.”

Soon what was a conversation about women and the violence we face slowly shifts into a gushing, fangirling fest over a man speaking up. The focus drifts — almost automatically — back onto him. His courage, his willingness to say something and his role in the conversation and once again, men become the centre of a discussion that is supposedly about harm against women.

The irony, of course, is that if a woman spoke about the exact same issue with the same level of directness, the response would look very different. We would be told we’re too angry, too loud, too emotional and should shut the fuck up.

This is the strange double standard that still exists in conversations about misogyny. When men talk about it, they are treated as credible, objective and brave for even bringing it up. Women do not get given the same grace.

I’ve had my relatively successful Instagram page, @notyourpolitefeminist, for over five years now, and the recurring messages I receive, either sent to me directly or left in my comments, tend to follow a pretty predictable pattern.

They’re not usually denying that misogyny exists or even necessarily disagreeing with the point being made. Instead, they’re telling me that I should be more grateful.

More grateful that a man has spoken about it and more willing to celebrate the fact that a man has joined the conversation. As if the real problem in discussions about misogyny isn’t the misogyny itself, but women not showing enough gratitude when a man notices it.

It’s a strange dynamic when you stop and think about it.

The saddest thing is that even raising this point will likely get backlash. The response is predictable: Why aren’t you just happy they’re trying to help? Why can’t you just appreciate that a man is speaking up?

Critiquing the way conversations about misogyny happen is not the same as saying men shouldn’t speak about it. It’s asking why the bar is still so low that simply acknowledging misogyny is treated as something extraordinary. Recognising that misogyny exists is not activism, it’s the starting point.

What a lot of men can get stuck on is acknowledging misogyny and challenging it are not the same thing.

It’s one thing to say misogyny exists (most people already know that), the harder part is actually interrogating the systems, behaviours and cultural norms that allow it to continue — especially when that means challenging other men. That’s where the real work sits.

Not in podcasts or documentaries where misogyny is discussed as an interesting topic, but in everyday conversations where misogyny is normalised, excused or laughed off.

There’s also a reason why people are often far more comfortable listening to men talk about misogyny than women. When women talk about it, we are immediately seen as having a personal stake in the issue. Our anger is treated as bias. When men speak about the same issue, they’re often seen as neutral observers. The exact same point suddenly sounds more rational, more credible, more objective; simply because it’s coming from someone who isn’t directly affected by the harm.

This is why the “be grateful” response feels so frustrating because gratitude implies that women are being given something. That men acknowledging misogyny is some kind of favour being extended to us.

But recognising injustice isn’t a gift. It’s the bare minimum. Women shouldn’t have to perform appreciation just to be allowed to discuss the harm we experience.

The real question isn’t whether men should talk about misogyny.

Of course they should.

The question is why the moment they do, the conversation so quickly becomes about them; their courage, their awareness, their willingness to speak, rather than the women who have been speaking about this for years.

Because when that happens, the same pattern repeats itself that even in conversations about misogyny, women somehow end up in the background.