in your early twenties, you'll be tempted to lose yourself in pursuit of a man. don't.

Hello, just a quick one from me:

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M x

There have been many versions of myself that I don’t even recognise anymore.

A version of me who convinced herself she could happily move to Sheffield, four hours away from my friends and family, to a place I’d never once imagined calling home. A version of me who almost didn’t get tattoos because someone else didn’t like them. Who kept my hair long because that’s what they preferred. Versions of me who were “chill”, who swallowed my emotions, laughed things off and convinced myself I was happy to just go with the flow.

None of these people were ever really me, of course.

I am a (proud) emotional woman who values her family and friends above almost everything else. I’ve already started my tattoo collection, I have a bob, and the thought of “going with the flow” with a mediocre, emotionally stunted man now makes me want to poke my eyes out.

At the time, every single one of those versions of me felt completely rational. But when you’re desperate to be loved, it’s amazing how quickly you can convince yourself that someone else’s preferences are actually your own.

I love loudly, and I deserve to be loved loudly back. I’d make a fat guess that, if you read the title of this blog and thought, “shit, I should probably read this,” you’re probably the same.

So, I’m about to tell you why I need you to be really fucking clear on who you are, what you want and what kind of life you want to build before you let anybody else become a part of it.

Prepare to let me cook because if this blog stops just one woman from rearranging her entire life for a man who can't even communicate his feelings, I'll consider my job done.

Here's the thing. I don't actually think women lose themselves because we love too much. I think that's a convenient little story society tells us so we don't question why women are so often expected to bend while men get to stay exactly as they are. I think we lose ourselves because we've been taught, consciously or not, that being loved is one of the greatest achievements we'll ever have.

Think about it: as little girls, we are praised for being “good”. We’re told to be kind, considerate, easy-going, not too loud, not too emotional, not too demanding. Then we grow up and wonder why we’re so good at making ourselves smaller in relationships.

And before anyone starts, no, I’m not saying every woman does this and every man doesn’t. I’m saying that when you’ve spent your entire life being rewarded for being accommodating, it’s not exactly shocking that you become really fucking good at it.

Psychologists have actually found that when we fall in love, our sense of identity naturally expands to include the other person. That's completely normal. You're probably going to steal each other's music taste, start saying the same phrases and suddenly find yourself watching shit that you weren’t even into a few months ago.

But there is a huge difference between growing together and your entire identity shifting to fit someone else. One is love; the other is waking up one day and realising you’ve built a life that only really works if somebody else stays in it.

This is where I'm going to kindly ask you to stand the fuck up because if two breakups hadn't saved me from potentially ruining my entire life, I would've been royally fucked by now and I don't want you to end up in that position.

Before you even think about building a life with someone else, I need you to know what kind of life you actually want. Not what your boyfriend wants.

Where do you want to live?

Do you actually want children, or have you just always assumed you would?

What do you want your career to look like?

What are your non-negotiables?

What kind of friendships do you want to keep?

What hobbies make you feel like you?

Because if you don’t answer those questions first, someone else will answer them for you and one day you'll wake up in a city you never wanted to live in, with hobbies you never actually liked, wondering where the fuck the old you went.

Secondly, I need you to get really fucking clear on your values.

What’s important to you?

What actually makes you tick?

What are the things you refuse to compromise on, no matter how much you like someone?

Could you genuinely stomach dating someone whose political views are the complete opposite of yours? Cough, cough. I definitely couldn’t.

Values aren't little quirks you can politely disagree on. They shape the way you see the world, the way you treat people, how you raise children (if you want them), how you spend your money, what you stand for and, ultimately, the kind of life you're going to build. Trust me, it's much easier to have those uncomfortable conversations at the beginning than to wake up one day and realise you've spent years trying to convince yourself that fundamental incompatibilities are just "differences of opinion."

Thirdly, and this one is a big one, get really fucking clear on your standards.

Drop your pen right now if you’ve just written “6’4”. That’s not what I mean.

I couldn’t care less whether he has blue eyes, goes to the gym six times a week or has the ability to grow a decent beard.

Can he communicate?

Can he apologise without needing his arm twisted?

Does he celebrate your wins instead of feeling threatened by them?

Does he make you feel emotionally safe?

Does he respect your boundaries the first time you say them?

Does he actually like women?

Somewhere along the line, we’ve been sold this idea that standards are superficial, that they’re about height, salary and whether he takes you to nice restaurants. They’re not.

Your standards are the minimum conditions under which you’ll allow someone access to your life and if you’ve spent years building a life you love, why the fuck would you hand the keys to someone who’s only going to burn the place down?

Lastly, stop confusing chemistry with compatibility.

I know. The butterflies are fun. The all-consuming, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, checking-your-phone-every-five-minutes kind of love feels exciting but excitement has absolutely fuck all to do with whether someone is good for you.

You can have incredible chemistry with someone who will completely derail your life. You can fancy someone who doesn’t share your values. You can laugh with someone who makes you feel anxious more often than they make you feel safe. You can love someone who has absolutely no business being in your life.

Love, on its own, isn’t enough. I know that’s not particularly romantic, but it’s true because the person you’re going to build a life with isn’t just someone you kiss on a Friday night. They’re the person you’re going to make decisions with. They’ll influence where you live, how you spend your money, whether you have children, how you spend Christmas, how conflict gets resolved and, quite literally, who you become.

So stop asking yourself, “Do I really like him?” OR “Does he really like me?”

Start asking yourself, “Do I actually like the version of myself I become when I’m with him?”

God, there have been more times than I care to admit where I’ve sat there and thought, this isn’t me. This isn’t the woman I want to be, this isn’t the woman I know I am.

The right relationship shouldn’t require you to constantly edit yourself. It shouldn’t ask you to become quieter, easier, less ambitious, less emotional or less you. It should make you feel more like yourself, not less. If you leave every interaction feeling like you’ve performed a version of yourself instead of simply existing as her, this NEEDS to be your warning sign.

So yes, in your early twenties, you'll probably be tempted to lose yourself in pursuit of a man. I know I was. I know how easy it is to mistake compromise for love and to convince yourself that changing little parts of who you are is just what relationships require.

But there is a huge difference between growing alongside somebody and abandoning yourself for them.

Before you build a life with someone else, build one you're obsessed with on your own. Know where you want to go, what you stand for, what makes you feel alive and what you're simply not willing to compromise on because the right person won't ask you to rewrite any of it—they'll simply be grateful they get to be a part of the life you've already created.

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I keep every post free because I never want money to be the reason someone can’t access something they need. But writing these essays takes time, research and a lot of emotional energy, and paid subscriptions are what make it possible for me to keep doing it.

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Thank you for being here. It genuinely means more than you know.

M x