im gonna start shaking, ron told me from the back seat, and i dont wanna get a fucking seizure, he whined
i had picked him up while i was walking home to watch the Bears game saturday
yes, walking, not driving. he did not summon me on his phone, i was not on duty. in fact i was looking to open up the burrito i had just bought, crack open a beer, get high and watch what was easily the most important football game of my life: da bears and the pack in the first round of the playoffs.
but it was really the midwest super bowl.
it was unseasonably warm in hollywood. i was talking to my mom in my ear pods and ron was outside the emergency room ramp of the kaiser off sunset and he was asking me something while wearing a shirt that said NFL on it.
hold on, mom, wassup? i asked
yeah, how do you get the bus to western and melrose?
old ron couldnt have asked a better man, once upon a time i had a blog called the busblog because when i first moved to hollywood i couldnt afford a car so i rode the bus to work every day and wrote tales about whether or not an average looking 30something guy could get laid despite not having a car in LA.
the answer will shock you.
omg easy: just walk down to vermont there, take the bus south to melrose, get off at the Braille Center and that’s melrose. take that to western.
thats vermont? ron asked, struggling with his cane and barely walking the 200 feet necessary to see around the corner.
the new pope is from chicago. first american pope. he’s a white sox fan, but i forgive him. the other day da pope said that we will be judged by how we treated the poor and struggling. that was in my head as i looked at rons dry mouth, white stuff around it, twitchy eye, and curious nfl seal on his shirt. who roots for the shield?
now i know you might look at me and think im ok. but im not ok. not in my heart. and ive wronged a few people. and im sorry. and i told them im sorry and they said its cool. but i still feel very guilty.
also i have terrible thoughts sometimes. creativity is a wonderful gift, but it’s got some dark shadows. even when im praying each night, bad things float to my mind as i go through the laundry list of things im being thankful for. the good book says God knows our heart and thats why im nervous about judgement day, my heart will betray me. as will the devil music i consume.
so i said ron, stay here, i will drive you to friggin western and melrose. brb.
got back on the phone with mom who said, mister you better not give strangers rides! i was all ma thats all i do with uber n lyft.
she said but theres a digital record. you’re safe.
i go ma, those ppl could slit my throat same as this very weak man with a cane. and we agreed to disagree which is why my mom will go straight to heaven: she had to deal with my crazy ass for all these years and never said she told me so when things ended up bad.
got the car. circled back. picked up ron and as he climbed in he started talking about seizures and needing a drink.
i went, when was the last time you had a drink, nosey as always, another thing thats gonna get me killed
oh, last night he said right away.
what was yr poison?
whisky.
oh man that will get you fucked up. was it mr jack daniels or something cheaper?
the cheap stuff, you know. im not gonna lie.
i rolled the window down a little for him in case he needed some air. and truthfully i was doing this ride more to help the bears’ juju than me getting into heaven. the bears were only a point-and-a-half underdogs. my soul was longer odds.
yeah the cheap stuff is why you feel bad in the morning, i said, speaking from experience.
this morning i couldnt even walk he admitted
well do you want some water? i have some water in the door slot down there.
no i want a Drink, ron said with a little whine in his voice. and then, hey can you pull over at that liquor store? pointing at one that said junior market.
come on bro. im taking you straight home. my apologies.
but im gonna need a Drink, he insisted.
what ron didnt know is some of my best friends are people you shouldnt give a drink to even if they beg, even if they get on their knees to beg, literally. for once i had experience at something.
can you see i would feel bad if i took you from the ER directly to a liquor store? i asked him, trying to be reasonable, but also trying to run down the clock. this is the land of the free, i continued. and life is short. and youre an adult. but im trying to do the right thing here.
thank you, he said, i appreciate it. i was so lost. but boy you gave me a ride.
ahhhhh, nice, i thought. rolling down my window and spitting out a hunk of big league chew.
it’s my pleasure. i read an essay when i was in high school, i told him, that talked about the irony of big cities like ours, how people keep to themselves and don’t help each other. and how everyones lonelier than if they were in a small town and knew everybody.
god i need a drink, i heard from back there.
did you grow up in LA? i asked, ignoring the sigh.
yeah, inglewood.
oh man, i lived off crenshaw in the ‘80s. i walked to the forum to see gretzky play. back then students could get in for $5. what part did you grow up in?
by lax. lennox middle school, he said looking at every corner.
my days are... he said trailing off as we watched an extremely curvy latina woman walk slowly across the street. her dress fighting for its life. the sheer engineering. the heroism of two vital buttons. ive never worked that hard in all my days.
your days are numbered? i asked, finishing his thought.
no, i was gonna say that um, that um, mami still in his thoughts, that im gonna withdraw, to be honest.
withdraw just the booze or also something else?
just the booze, thats why i asked if you could stop at the liquor store because i need it, you know.
yeah, i said thinking about the story of coltrane begging to be locked in his flophouse room when he was detoxing from heroin. how they had to knock on his door, open it fast, slide his food in, and slam the door behind him as he cried inside.
this was not that. not from the outside. but maybe it was to ron.
it’s a reality, i dont have to lie to you, he continued.
and i dont want you to lie to me
i need a drink. and ive got the money.
but you said yourself if you drink youre gonna slide into bad shit again, right?
no. im going to go home. i just needed help. thats why i was in the hospital, cuz i couldnt walk, he said.
oh, did they give you the cane in there?
no, i bring this with me. but they treat me so bad. they didnt treat me like the other hospital. i dont even know. im confused.
i could see him looking around. one of the benefits of attending a party school in college is doing drugs that make you confused. so i said, ok thats the 101 right there. to the left is downtown. and to the right is the hollywood sign.
oh thats the 101? he asked.
yeah, we’re really close to your house. it’s gonna be ok. we’re about to hit santa monica blvd and melrose is a few blocks after that. this is western.
ok
did you walk to the hospital today? i asked
no, the paramedics
oh shit
i fell, hurt my arm, passed out, i woke up in the ambulance.
did you spend the night in the hospital?
no i just came here and they were saying oh hes drunk, you know, come onnnnn
its ok to be drunk
they dont look at it like that. they put me in security.
no! were you yelling at people?
no. i was sleeping.
did you puke in the hospital?
no.
did they feed you at all?
no! he said remembering.
thats not right i said hoping he didnt puke in my back seat but we were almost there. adults dont puke, i convinced myself, just college kids. and marines on their first leave. and models. and the elderly.
theres another liquor store. he said like a kid to his mom.
i cant tell you what to do after i drop you off, i said, but i just dont feel right taking you there right now. i hope you understand.
youre a good person, he told me.
i appreciate you.
i appreciate you.
i asked him if he’d ever been in a tesla before. he said no. so i turned on the robot mode to blow his mind. the car drove itself.
thats demonic, he said as the car made a right turn and then drove properly down the road as i held my hands up to show him i wasnt steering.
fucking wish, i said. (see!?)
how old are you i asked.
im 41, he said looking and sounding twice that.
we are living in the future, i said.
and he said, but i want to go to the past
motorhead was on the radio. i took a sip outta my water bottle.
ok so are you really going to have another drink after i drop you off?
yes!
even though you know its not good for you?
i know, but how am i gonna sleep if i dont take a drink?
how about smoking weed?
i dont really smoke that much. he said. i used to smoke a lot, but i dont smoke that much more anymore. but ive been drinking. if im honest.
you are honest, but if someone gave you a joint, that wouldnt put you to sleep?
ive got two joints at my house, but i want to drink, im thirsty!
i know. i know. but its bad for you!
i know but it’s probably... my last drink, he said.
you think so?
yeah.
why do i feel like ive heard this before?
he laughed.
well im gonna pray for you. ron, all right?
yeah.
the light turned red. we stopped.
fuckit lets do it now, i said. Lord... i took off my hat. Lord, please let whatever ron drinks today will be his last one. he says hes thirsty and he just wants to go to sleep. let him be safe, let the drink put him into a nice warm beautiful deep sleep and when he wakes up please let him never want or need another drink, because he’s a good man and i want him to catch that chica we saw on the corner of sunset and western bc she looked lonely and could probably use a man with a cane. and two joints. amen
silence
AMEN i said louder but also asked
amen i heard from back there
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