Jessica Sabatini is worried about her six-year-old’s success in school. Not because he has trouble learning but primarily, she says, because he’s a boy.
That’s the opening of a CBC article published this week — and based on the response so far, it’s clear that Jessica isn’t alone. And her concerns are not misplaced.
When I reached out to Jessica this week, she told me, “I was surprised by the feedback that I have been receiving over this and how it is resonating with people.”
I’m not surprised. I’ve been in Jessica’s shoes. I published Why Schools are Failing Our Boys in the Washington Post in 2015. (The first lines: “My eight-year-old is struggling in school. Again.”) It wasn’t the first — or the last article — I wrote about boys’ struggles in school.
Developmentally, five- and six-year-old boys (and even 15- and 16-year-odl boys) aren’t as mature as their female counterparts. That’s one big reason why boys struggle so much in early elementary schools — their brains and bodies simply aren’t mature enough to easily do the things we ask of them. We set them up for failure by placing them in environments that don’t fit their developmental needs. And then, we blame and shame them. Is it any wonder, then, that so many boys start hating school?
Please note: I’m not blaming you, parents. And I’m not blaming educators. We’re all doing the best we can, with the information and resources we have. Ideally, we’ll take a long hard look at our systems and schools and redesign them to better meet the needs of boys, families, and educators.
That, however, will take time. You can’t wait for reform. You need to take action now. And I’m here to tell you that it is possible to protect your son’s love of learning even if school is challenge.
I did it, & so did Suzy Shaw, a mom of 2 adult sons and host of the Mothers of Boys Survival Guide podcast. Suzy invited me onto her podcast awhile ago, and we ended up talking about boys & elementary school. The episode just went live this week:
So tell me: How’s school going for your son right now?
Is he thriving, struggling, tolerating it, resisting it, or somewhere in between? Hit reply and tell me what you’re seeing. I read every response, and your stories help shape what I write next.
Here’s to building boys!
Jen
P.S. Our Boy Mom Circle starts on Wednesday — and yes, we’ll likely end up talking about school at some point. If you & your son are struggling, our Circle is a place you can admit that & get real support.
IN THE NEWS
Highlights:
“She encourages him to join the boys, but he says he doesn’t like to play cops and robbers.”
“He doesn’t seem to be shy about approaching for play when the type of play interests him.”
“How do I help him navigate school and boyhood?”
“around 5 years old is when kids really begin to respond to society’s gender biases: For example, boys, knowing they’ll be praised for displaying strength, might lean into the roughhousing your son dislikes.”
Pediatrics Group Issues New Guidance on Recess for the First Time in 13 Years
Highlights:
“Since the mid-2000s, up to 40% of school districts nationally have reduced or eliminated recess”
“In other countries such as Denmark, Japan and the United Kingdom, students get breaks after every 45 minutes to 50 minutes of classroom instruction.”
The Crucial Role of Recess in School: A Policy Statement
Highlights:
“Wherever recess occurs, a variety of experiences should be offered, including a choice of quiet time or social interaction in addition to active free play and group activities”
“A quality recess will reestablish mental equilibrium and focus, a need of every student, kindergarten through 12th grade, every day. As such, recess should be a protected block in the daily schedule”
“Recess should not be withheld for academic or punitive reasons.”
How to Get Teen Boys to Practice Kindness, Empathy, & Support
Highlights:
“Boys who would never in a million years walk into an after-school program will happily jump on a Discord server to play Valorant with their friends.”
“If we want to engage them, we have to go where they are and build spaces they actually want to be in.”
“I really thought that in-person relationship building would always trump online connections. The youth we work with have proven me wrong.”
“Boys are genuinely hungry to talk about what’s going on in their lives. They just need to know that the people on the other end actually care about them and know how to help.”
Slot Machines of Stimulation or Bicycles for the Mind?
Highlights:
“Teenage boys, aware that any message could be screenshotted or that a clumsy approach could go viral, may be reluctant to take romantic risks. Meeting one’s sexual needs has never been easier online, while pursuing real relationships feels more perilous.”
“Gaming is often treated as if it were one thing. But a cooperative game with friends is not the same as a solo game with addictive features.”
“Over the last 15 years, boys and young men more than doubled their average time per week spent gaming… For most teenagers, the perceived benefits outweigh the harms”
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