The Easiest Way to Raise Boys? Ditch the Script

I was supposed to be on Idaho Matters, an Idaho Public Radio show, today, talking about Building Boys (which comes in in paperback on Thursday!).

The host of the show, Gemma Gaudette, is also a mom of boys; we connected after we were both part of a 2019 CBSN Documentary, Raising Boys. Given all that’s happened since then, we thought it’d be a great time to reconnect & talk about raising boys.

But as recently as yesterday evening, I didn’t know if the show would be a go. A lot’s been going on in Idaho: Wildfires. A mass shooting at an In-N-Out Burger. Men are on the frontlines of all of things, but given the need to convey timely information, it wasn’t clear there’d be time to discuss a book about helping boys become great guys.

The producer assured me the slot was still secure. We did the sound check and all was well. When I dialed in an hour later for the segment…I learned they were having internet problems.

The producer was apologetic. Asked if we could reschedule for later this week. I said yes, absolutely and then laughed to myself. Because raising boys has prepared me well to navigate unexpected challenges and changes.

Has your parenting journey gone the way you expected? I’m betting not. Nearly every parent I know (who’s willing to speak honestly) admits that their parenting reality is not quite what they imagined.

There are unexpected challenges. Diagnoses. Complex family relationships. Completely wild situations that are so beyond anything we ever knew possible. And, then, of course, there’s the simple fact that your son, the human being, didn’t get or read your script. He came into the world with his own innate drives and talents and his vision for his life may be very different than yours.

That can be a hard thing for a parent to accept & understand! Especially in our boys’ early years, as we’re still learning how to parent. And later, as we wrestle with our desire to shape and mold our boys, in a world that has very strong (if conflicting) opinions about how boys should (& should not) behave.

But inevitably, life will present you with a challenge or obstacle you can’t ignore. Something that makes it virtually impossible to parent as you’d once imagined. Something — or many “somethings” — will ultimately force you to scratch your once-neat-and-tidy plan and improvise.

Improvisation, by definition, is “making or doing something without any prior planning, using whatever materials and ideas are present at that moment.” That’s real-world parenting, in a nutshell!

That can be an uncomfortable space, especially for Type A, perfectionist moms who want everything to go perfectly so their kids can turn out perfectly.

It’s very difficult for moms, who control so many variables in their families’ lives, to accept that we, um, can’t control everything. That we’re in uncharted territory and need to figure things out as we go.

Especially when the stakes feel so high. We’re raising boys who will become MEN, after all.

But you can’t control the uncontrollable. And you can’t force your boy (or anyone else) to do what you’d like. Sooner or later, you learn the power of letting go of your preconceived notions.

You learn to ditch the script and instead, parent the son you have. To respond to him as a unique human, instead of treating him as project to be managed.

It took me approximately 12 years and four boys to get to that point — & it likely would have taken longer if my boys hadn’t literally outnumbered me, 4 to 1, because I likely would have spent even more time trying to control every little thing if I only had one or two kids. As outnumbered as I was, I simply couldn’t.

I had to let go of things.

I had to improvise.

Despite myself, I learned flexibility. I learned how to bend and rebound. How to rejigger plans. How to reorient and adapt. (Because I had to, over & over & over again!)

So when a producer asked me if I could reschedule a radio appearance, I was ready: Yes, of course. (As of right now, I’m scheduled to be on Idaho Matters Aug. 4, noonish MT.)

Ditching the plan and going with the flow — improvising, in real-time, in response to your son and any challenges you face — is actually the easiest way to raise boys, in my opinion.

It’s far easier than trying to get your son (and LIFE!) to stick to some preconceived script. It’s also a whole lot more fun because:

• you’re not wasting your time and emotional energy trying to get get others to fit your plan

• you’re present and therefore better able to see, enjoy, and embrace moments of joy

• you’re learning and growing together.

Improvisation in parenting is bit like improvisation for the stage, I think. You get better with practice. And you can build your ability (and confidence) by building your skills. Remember: improvisation uses “whatever materials and ideas are present at that moment.” Add some additional materials and ideas and you’ve expanded your capacity.

(That’s one way I can help you: I do my best to bring you the latest ideas, tools, and materials related to building boys.)

In at least one situation, let go of your idea of “how it’s supposed to go.”

That might mean letting your son complete a task his way—even if his process looks inefficient or slightly ridiculous to you.

It might mean pausing in the middle of an argument and asking yourself, “What’s actually going on here?” rather than continuing to push for the response you expected.

Maybe bedtime has become a nightly battle. Maybe your son doesn’t want to participate in the activity you were certain he’d love. Maybe the chore chart that looks perfectly reasonable to you simply does not work for him.

Pick one point of friction and get curious.

Ask yourself:

• What am I trying to make happen here?

• Is that outcome truly necessary—or am I attached to a particular version of how this should look?

• What does my son’s behavior tell me about what he needs right now?

Then work with what’s actually in front of you.

This isn’t the same as abandoning expectations or letting your son do whatever he wants. Improvisation still has structure. You can hold onto your values, boundaries, and ultimate goal while changing your approach.

The radio interview didn’t happen when or how we planned. But the conversation isn’t canceled. We’re simply trying again, with the people, technology, and time available to us.

In life, the goal isn’t to make everything go according to plan.

It’s to keep responding, adapting, learning, and growing when it doesn’t.

Here’s to building boys!

Jen

Raising Good Gamers: What Families Need to Know About Video Games & Well-Being

Highlights:

• “There is no magic number of hours that separates healthy from unhealthy gaming.”

• “A player who leads a team to victory in a cooperative video game is practicing the same core skills they’ll use during group projects at school: communication, delegation, resilience, strategy, and patience.”

• “If kids fear that reporting a problem means losing video gaming privileges entirely, they will handle difficult situations alone rather than asking for help when they need it most.”

• “Families should consider professional help if video gaming consistently interferes with sleep, school, or relationships; a child becomes extremely distressed when unable to play; video gaming appears primarily as a way to avoid difficult emotions; or significant mood or behavior changes seem tied to video gaming over a significant period of time.”

The Boys We Forget to See: What Working in Juvenile Hall Taught Me About Complex Care

Highlights:

• “The young men were emotionally perceptive and intuitive about authenticity in adults. They could tell the difference between someone performing compassion and someone offering it.”

• “In education, we often say relationships matter, but we sometimes speak as if students owe us immediate relational access. They do not… Our responsibility is not to insist that they trust us. It is to become trustworthy enough to receive their trust.”

• “The greatest opportunity for change begins when a young person looks into the eyes of a trusted adult and sees reflected back not a charge, a label or a file but the strongest and most hopeful version of himself.”

How to Be a Man

Highlights:

• “Teenage boys need a safe space for messy, sometimes politically incorrect conversations”

• This is “one of the hardest times to be an adolescent male in human history,” says clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Melbourne Zac Seidler

• “We’ve created an entire cultural movement around girl power, which literally shifted their education and employment outcomes. But we’re sleepwalking our way into the next generation of boys potentially being even more stifled and unsupported than the previous generation…”

• “When boys are invited to anonymously share their thoughts on becoming men they often write, ‘Why would I want to grow up to be a man? I’ll just get cancelled,’ or, ‘I’m bad, why should I even try?’”

The UCD Researcher is Promoting Father-Son Attachment in the Online Age

Highlights:

• “Paternal involvement is independently associated with better mental health outcomes, stronger emotional regulation, and reduced risk-taking behaviour in adolescent boys, over and above maternal influence.”

• “Adolescent boys with emotionally available fathers demonstrate greater psychological resilience, better peer relationships, and are significantly more likely to seek help when struggling.”

Luke Bateman Says Boys Need Books “Written for Boys” to Become Readers. But It’s Not That Simple.

Highlights:

• “Experts recommend introducing books and storytelling as early as possible, choosing books based on child’s natural interests and preferences”

• “When we recommend or buy books for boys, we can expand our thinking beyond stereotypical assumptions: think about what a person like them might be interested in”