Parenting boys today feels a bit like a high wire act.
We’re supposed to build and encourage emotional intelligence, empathy & compassion in a world that still rewards the exact opposite (at least when exhibited by men).
We’re supposed to develop and nurture close, loving relationships with our boys — but if we do, those relationships viewed suspiciously. Boy moms, in particular, are accused of emotional incest. (Don’t believe me? Look up “#boymom” critiques online.)
If we accept and celebrate our boys’ need for movement, we’re accused of perpetuating stereotypical “boys will be boys” behavior. If we support our boys’ desire to dance or wear make up or skirts, we’re accused of “feminizing” them.
It hit me today: Maybe this isn’t just what it feels like to parent boys today.
Maybe this is what it feels like to be a boy today.
This experience of parenting boys, I’m realizing, mirrors our boys’ experience. Male children also walk a very, very fine line, one that is metaphorically swinging in the wind. The location of the line varies with the cultural winds - day by day, hour by hour, location by location.
They’re supposed to be confident, but not cocky. Strong, but gentle. Competitive, but collaborative. Independent, but emotionally available. Tough enough to stand up for themselves, but never aggressive. Sensitive, but not “soft.” Masculine, but not too masculine. Authentic, but only if their authentic self fits someone else’s definition of what a good boy should be.
A misstep in any direction is dangerous, socially, emotionally, and even physically.
No wonder so many boys are anxious. No wonder so many prefer to stick to the relative safety and predictability of their bedrooms and screens.
No wonder so many of us feel anxious. We’re trying to help our boys navigate a world whose expectations seem to change by the minute—even as we’re trying to navigate those same shifting expectations ourselves. While under a microscope.
I’m here with a safety net. Building Boys is a safe place for parents of boys. A place where you can talk about the pressure you’re feeling. A place where you can learn and bounce back. A place where you are allowed and encouraged to experiment because we don’t let anyone go splat!
You can be a safety net for your son too. He walks the tightrope all day long. Let your home and family be his safe place, the place he can tread without fear of falling. The place he can simply be himself. A place where he can try on ideas, identities, interests without judgement or condemnation.
He doesn’t need you to have all the answers.
He doesn’t need you to walk your wire perfectly either.
He needs to know that if he slips, you’ll still be there.
And if you slip?
We’ll be here, too.
Here’s to building boys!
Jen
P.S. Our next Boy Mom Circle is next Wed. (July 15), 8 PM ET/ 7 PM CT/ 6 PM MT? 5 PM PT). Come join us if you’d like some support.
The Work of Helping Young Boys Grow into Good Men
Highlights:
“…to view it all from the perspective of younger men (go with me here)… Why should boys feel deeply and care overtly when they see hyper-masculine wrong-doers winning and thriving? Why should boys allow themselves to soften and emote when they’re shown that they will be punished for doing so – but rewarded for avoiding all of that?”
“A boy will often say to me, ‘Look at Elon Musk. He’s the richest man in the world, and he behaves like that.’ That’s quite hard to counter, isn’t it? The way I would reply to that is: ‘You’re right – Elon Musk does model that type of masculinity. But is the point to be rich, or is the point to be a good man?’”
Highlights:
“Was this a disorder, or was it just a bright, busy boy being a bright, busy boy? I did not want to medicate a personality, I wanted to be sure.”
“In this case, I think my mama bear instinct might have protected Dylan right past the point of actually helping him”
“He was not thriving inside the chaos, he was fighting it…Holding the tools back from him was not protecting him, it was failing him.”
“And then my son told me what it felt like when he took his medication… he said, ‘I feel like I’m finally in control of my brain.’”
Boys are So Unprepared by the Education System that They’re Hitting High School Unable to Read Anything More Challenging Than a Children’s Book {←a really demeaning headline, in my opinion! - Jen}
“For boys aged 11 to 14, the sweeping analysis revealed that eight of the ten most read books were from the ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ series”
“Too many young people are ‘stuck’ or disengaging from reading altogether, often because they have not yet found books that feel relevant, accessible or inspiring.”
“Less than 10 percent of boys aged 14-16 read for pleasure daily”
“Barely a quarter of secondary schools (a combination of middle and high school) allot at least fifteen minutes a day for reading during the school day”
Why Some Boys are Choosing Toilets Over Classrooms
Highlights:
“There is something wrong with a school system where boys would rather be in the toilet than in class.”
“This is not about boys being uninterested in education. It is about an education system that is not designed to meet them where they are, in the full complexity of their social, emotional and developmental realities.”
“How we raise children, both boys and girls, matters. At present, we send deeply mixed messages.”
Bigorexia: How Muscle Dysmorphia Affects Boys & Men
Highlights:
“It may look like typical, normative behaviors of gym culture...But when it gets to a more extensive level, it becomes a problem.”
“The diet associated with bigorexia often involves extreme restriction, focused almost entirely on high protein intake, which can actually harm overall health.”
“Recovery from bigorexia typically involves working with a trained mental health professional.”
Highlight:
“I want to raise a good man, but when I’m still scrambling for a concept of positive manhood myself, how do I compete with voices that wrongly claim to have figured it out?”
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