WIVES MUST HELP.

Wives, listen to me:

Outside of a growing relationship with God and His Word, through the power of the Holy Spirit, you are your husband’s earthly fulfillment.

The Song of Solomon isn’t just some nice, intimate poetry between a husband and wife. It is the template for a husband and wife’s intimacy. And it’s a great read. It’s not as scandalous as some teachers would have you believe. Read it with your spouse. It’s actually really short and sweet.

The problem is, Christians these days don’t read their Bibles, much less remotely obey them - especially related to marriage doctrines - so just about every marriage today has some level of feminist theology attached to it. And to assuage the feminist masses, the Church has given in to some of it. We created this unbiblical idea of “Complementarianism.” And while I’ve tried to address it by subtler means, a heavy hand is now required. And then I have to address the feminism at its root. I don’t like being forced into these things, but here we are. And since this is where we are…

Here we go.

Complementarianism

Complementarianism, formulated in the late 1980s, is the idea that no role, function, or divinely given predisposition in marriage is more important than any other; rather, the biblically defined roles are complementary, not hierarchical in the truest and most literal sense. It’s the theological equivalent of “While the husband is the head, the wife is the neck that turns it.” As funny as some would like you to think that statement is, it’s not, and it’s decidedly unbiblical. It’s actually diabolical when you think about it.

I can practically hear the bristling of some of you wives, and some of you weak husbands probably want to show your wives what I just wrote and say, “Can you believe this?!” I know because I know those kinds of men. But I’m not afraid of your wife, and neither should you be. I’m more afraid of falsely teaching doctrine that contributes to these preventable marital messes than your inability to control your wife.

So let’s get this straight.

The husband is the head of the home, full stop(Ephesians 5.23-24). The wife is the helpmeet, full stop(Genesis 2.18). The wife is not the neck that turns the head, but the neck that supports the head. She certainly has some sway, but she is under the head, never to undermine it; not with her own mind, body, or heart unless the husband is leading in a sinful and unbiblical direction. In that case, she is given clear biblical direction on how to handle such leading (1 Corinthians 7.12-16). Note that I’m not talking about divorce or abuse. Don’t change the subject or move the goalposts. “But I have agency!” cries the modern wife. Yes, you do. And all females have just as much value in God’s eyes as any male. And also, like men, y’all only have as much agency as God gave you as a creation with the ability to choose. And since you chose to marry a man, you chose to sit under his authority, however imperfectly he wields it, and you are thusly commanded to submit to his authority as unto the Lord(Ephesians 5.22). If you do not like how that particular authority structure was formed, fine. But if you so choose to disobey or undermine it in any way, you are in direct defiance of God. And if you think I need to talk to men about their disobedience to God, you haven’t been here long, lady. Read the previous posts at bsapologetics.substack.com. I’ve said worse to them.

Additionally, there is no complement to the husband’s role, full stop. This is also true of the role of a wife, full stop. Ephesians 5 makes this abundantly clear, as you can see:

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭22‬-‭30‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

The problem isn’t the passage itself, obviously. It’s God’s Word, inerrant and complete. It’s in how spiritual leaders communicate this passage.

Have you ever thought about the husband’s directive here? “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” Think about that for a second. Husbands are called to love their wives “…just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” Husbands are to love you, wives, as Christ loves the Church. As He gave Himself up…for the Church. As He allowed Himself to be tortured, maimed, whipped, beaten, mauled, stripped of every ounce of humanity, betrayed, sold, spit upon, forsaken, denied, becoming a bloody pulp of a person, unrecognizable in body as a man, torn into ribbons from scalp to genitals to pinky toe, crowned with thorns dug into His skull, then nailed to a cross to slowly suffocate, fluid filling His lungs, still being mocked and ridiculed by His torturers…for the Church. He denied His throne and humbled Himself to present Himself a living sacrifice…for the Church. And He did it all out of love for those who would choose Him. A husband is called to love you, wives, in the same way. You are called to submit to your husband’s authority. That’s difficult, but nothing compared to his directive. It’s not nothing, but it’s not what your husbands are called to either. If you can’t see that, well, then…wow.

While some aspects of husbanding and wiving are complementary (the way we think, feel, physically interact with the world, and sexually interact with each other, for a few examples), the core God-given directives are entirelydifferent. A wife is not commanded to be the same as the husband. That’s because the husband is called to a higher standard. We are all called as Christians to be Christlike, but a husband is commanded to love his wife as if he were Christ.

Let that sink in.

On top of that, if you think that marriage is Complementarian, you also don’t understand how marriage is a picture of the marriage between Christ and His bride, the Church. Christ is not a complement to His bride, and vice versa. He is over His bride, completely, in all things. The Church is under Christ, completely, in all things. To actually believe any semblance otherwise is borderline blasphemous. So if earthly marriage is a picture of the marriage of Christ and His bride, I’d tread lightly in thinking the biblical framework for such is Complementarian.

Complementarianism, at its root, then, is appeasement. It’s a theological holding up of the hands and saying, “We don’t want to deal with the feminism we can’t root out of our marriages, so we’ll just create this weird -ism to shut up our wives and women.” So, in essence, Complementarianism is a condescension of marriage, husbands, wives, and the true biblical nature of such a union. It downplays the importance of hierarchical governance and misrepresents other biblical doctrines, even symbolically, that ought not be trifled with simply for being biblical doctrines in the first place.

The husband is called to the highest position in the home, second to God. He does not share this position with his wife, and she does not steer his authority how she pleases, if and when she pleases. She helps him with his role, but ultimately ought to submit to it so far as she biblically can.

That is the biblical hierarchy for marriage. If you’re honest, you do not see anything complementary in that. Which means, if you thought otherwise, repentance is the next step.

I’ve all but explicitly said Complementarianism was created to appease Feminism, so let me explicitly say it and then explain why that’s true.

Complementarianism was created to appease Feminism.

Feminism

Feminism has this weird trick. Because it’s been around for so long and mutated into the wave of screeching blue-haired trannies that it is today, it’s managed to make many of us forget that its core doctrines from first wave to third and fourth haven’t changed and are rotten to their core.

Core doctrines of feminism are paraphrased as follows:

• Promotion of the Individual over the Family(which, consequently, always ends in “The Wife/Momma is the most important person in the house” or “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”)

• Adaptation of Traditional Marriage to Fit Personal Preferences(again, ending with the wife’s/mother’s preferences trumping all)

• Subversion, Deconstruction, and Reconstruction of Biblical Hierarchical Authority and Biblically Defined Roles

• Elevation of “Personal Rights” over Godly Obedience

Let’s examine each of these a little closer. I’ll explain them and just let you sit with said explanations, considering everything else we’ve discussed.

Promotion of the Individual over the Family

As this is Feminism we’re talking about, it should go without saying that the female, specifically the wife and/or mother - and to a lesser but still higher extent than the rest, the daughters - are the individuals promoted over the family as a whole.

Adaptation of Traditional Marriage to Fit Personal Preferences

For the feminist, traditional marriage is a fluid idea, not an immovable one. It can ebb and flow with the tides of the season, culture, and age, add to and take away from based on whim, emotion, or desire, and identify with and as whatever the personal preferences of the primary decision-maker dictate. In 2026, that looks like homosexual “marriage,” polyamory, throuples, no-fault divorce over “irreconcilable differences,” men having to sleep on the couch or being sent to the proverbial “doghouse,” or “Open Marriages.”

Subversion, Deconstruction, and Reconstruction of Biblical Hierarchical Authority and Biblically Defined Roles

Feminism, as with every other sub-genre of Postmodernism, works to subvert, deconstruct, and reconstruct things to its liking and image. Since nothing really means anything in Postmodernism, who’s to say biblical hierarchical authority and biblically defined roles are the way things should be? Because God said so? Did He really say that, or is that Paul forcing his own relational preferences into the biblical text? And God’s not a man, right? Merely Spirit? And if that’s all true, how can we really say that’s what God says? God doesn’t hate women. He probably prefers them. I mean, why wouldn’t He? And aren’t men and women equal under God? So, men and women should have equal rights and roles, at the very least complementary ones, right?

Elevation of “Personal Rights” over Godly Obedience

Almost coming full circle to the first feminist doctrine, the individual’s rights trump everything else, even God’s commands. If a wife doesn’t want to have sex with her husband, she has every “right” to say no and withhold it for a reason or no reason at all. If a mother doesn’t want to nurture the children, she has every “right” to force her husband to become a stay-at-home dad while she goes out into the workforce. Or the wife/mother has every “right” to climb the corporate ladder, her family, marriage, and biblical literacy be damned.

I’ll just let you all sit with that, husbands and wives both. I know many of you who read this and didn’t see what you see now in your marriages and homes until this moment. I won’t hammer this point any further for the time being. I know it hurts too much as it is.

The Struggle

The point of this letter is to make the point below:

Wives, if you do not do your part, you are practically begging for another woman, object, thought, or idea to do it for you.

Your husband is responsible for his sinful behavior, yes, but you are responsible for yours as well. And your condemnation of him as a man with the specific, lifelong struggle of lust that only men carry is going to do more harm than good. In fact, condemning him for it when you’ve contributed to the problem by not performing your godly, wifely requirements is sinful and shameful.

Let me break it down for you.

Your husband, as godly as he may become, until he is home with the Lord, will struggle with sexual sin. And his mind is as dark as it comes. Personally, my past has only made my mind worse. I don’t know a man who doesn’t struggle a lot, though. So even a man without my past will still, always struggle. There is no perfect freedom or deliverance from it here on earth, only divinely given relief from time to time. And there is also the opportunity and need to flee temptation as often as possible. Unfortunately, in 2026, that’s nigh impossible, but not totally. That’s a reality, not an excuse. There is no excuse for sin. And the local church is no longer the safe space it ought to be. There are relatively few places outside of your home where women are taught, much less know how to dress.

Reading this, you may feel inclined to ask your husband about his mind, and you should. But do not ask for specifics and details. Your husband’s mind is not for you to completely know. Your husband’s mind is for you to take care of. You are to help him struggle well. Here’s what that looks like practically.

Now that you know your husband struggles, don’t turn on your favorite streaming service and make him sit with you and watch stuff, romantic or otherwise, with half or fully naked men and women faking intercourse and orgasm. I didn’t say don’t make him watch romantic stuff. I’ll say that at a later date. But back to the point about the stuff with naked bodies.

1. That’s not for you or him to experience except with each other

2. It’s making his struggle worse, and hurting your marriage

3. If you still proceed knowing all the above, it’s sinful in a plethora of ways outside of being plainly selfish and self-incriminating in its own right

If you still want to watch those things, even by yourself, then, speaking plainly, you need correction, repentance, and accountability for your own sexual sin.

But think of it like this, too. If your husband is recovering from drug, tobacco, or alcohol addiction, and you still choose to smoke or drink a nice glass of Chardonnay at the end of the day, right in front of him, you are making it unnecessarily more difficult for your husband to stay clean and sober. Apply that to sexual things, and you get the idea even without addiction coming into the conversation. We’ll talk about smoking and general alcohol consumption another day.

Again, he has no excuse for willfully falling into sin. But a wife will never understand her husband’s needs in this area, even when I put it this clearly. Believe me, you don’t want to understand it all. And any husband who doesn’t think he has these needs or struggles is lying or ignorant of the facts.

Conclusion

Wives, you can only expect your husband to live up to his godly calling if you are. Yes, he must obey God. He must lead. Those are nonnegotiables. But he needs you. We need you, wives. More than you will ever know. God put y’all in our lives to provide help in every area. But we don’t need feminism, even disguised as something so seemingly innocuous as Complementarianism. We need you. We need your help, your body, your heart, your mind, your whole, beautiful self. And we need you to submit to us as to the Lord. I know it’s a big ask from me, but God commanded it. It’s the way He designed it.

Husbands, though, your wife should not do all the work. Compared to you, it should always look like she’s doing 50% of her capacity. But you don’t outwork her out of pride. You do it out of love and obedience to the Father. Your calling is far higher than hers. You are built for something far more difficult than she will ever understand.

While the wives need more grace(1 Peter 3.7), men, you need balls. God gave most of us at least two of them. We’re going to need all we can to fulfill our calling. He accepts no excuses. If your wife doesn’t follow you, and your home is out of control, that’s on you, either way. And God is going to hold you accountable for it. So as much as your wife needs to do what’s required of her, it’s up to you to make fulfilling her requirements as easy as possible. After all, God paved the way for us with His Son Jesus. He made coming to Him simple. How difficult have you made marriage for your wife?

Wives, lean into your calling as a helpmeet and meet the need for help. That would be helpful. Wives must help. Please.

Be faithful,

Alan

And if you’ve made it this far and want to read something on a different subject, consider The Buffalo and the Bear. It’s my other newsletter to talk on much broader topics. Check out the recent post here: Those Pesky Jews.

I appreciate you being here!