All-or-Nothing

In my notes for this post, I had written down that I have a tendency to get caught in an “All or Nothing” sort of mentality. I’ve gotten better at letting go of things like to-do lists that aren’t fully checked off at the end of the day, but sometimes the priorities on that list are what slip through the cracks and end up still not done… But what surprised me is when I did a search to see where this originated/who named it that way, the top results describing all or nothing as a ‘negative’ or more lightly an ‘unhelpful’ way of thinking. In the pondering of how this thought pattern can keep me from recognizing and enjoying the little moments in each season, I don’t disagree.

I’ll admit I only skimmed this article, but I was also thoroughly intrigued by this Wikipedia article on all-or-nothing armor for battle ships:

The "all-or-nothing" philosophy of armor design required the complete rethinking of battleship design, armor systems and the integration of the ship's design architecture with the armor protection system. With the rethinking of design, naval architects had to examine every system and function of a warship, and determine the functions and systems that were critical. The systems were assessed as to priority, relationships, and location within the hull and superstructure.

It struck me that, as God calls us to trust him with everything, to lay down our burdens at his feet, I can still end up holding some things too close with my own hands. Letting go then picking things back up again.

It’s easier for us to put on our own armor, rather than the armor of God (Eph 6:10-18). Why? Because we think we know where our weaknesses are, the things that an hurt us and the places we don’t want to be hurt (again). We build up our own armor there, like those all-or-nothing battle ship designs, and then set out into the world feeling like nothing that hurts us can break us.

But that’s not really the truth, is it? There’s so much that we can’t expect that the unarmored places are where we receive those blows. Sometimes the armor we create isn’t the best kind to defend against the weapons our enemy wields. And other times, the places we build those walls are the places we need God the most, requiring those walls to come down in order for us to begin finding healing and hope with him.

And yet, even when we know God’s character, trust his purpose and plan for our lives, and believe in him, we can resist it. Our walls are comfortable. We believe they keep us safe. We don’t always want the belt of truth, because then we have to face truth (and sometimes we trust the wrong voice as speaking truth). We have to be willing to recognize the work and weight of Jesus to believe we can carry the breastplate of righteous. Readiness for our feet means being willing to let go. Of something, of anything, of unknown things. Sometimes our shield of faith feels fragile, and looking at the helmet of salvation makes us question our worthiness to bear it even more. And the sword of the spirit? Fear, to believe, speak, much less live the way God has called us to can cause us to look away from it, despite the presence and conscious of the Holy Spirit with us.

And prayer. Prayers, that recently, have looked more like blessings over meals and half-started thoughts before I fall asleep. Neither really getting to the heart of what I need to talk with God, not giving the chance for him to hear those words from me, and not having the space and time to maybe hear his words back to me.

There’s one song recently that’s been resonating with me. Wanderers, by the Brevet. Specifically these lyrics:

Did you find that peace that you’ve been looking for?

Tell me why you’re so scared to be right where you are

Don’t break your heart

It’s always darkest right before dawn

That coupled with Anywhere by the Grey Havens, and I’m not sure that “longing” can fully capture the feeling these two songs in close proximity cause me to feel, but it’s something like that.

I am incredibly blessed to have reached a place where, at the end of this song, I can also say “don’t take me anywhere anywhere anywhere but here.” And yet that can coexist with knowing I don’t know. That God has a plan, a purpose, and while I can seek to know what he would have me do while I am living out each day, I can also try and let go a little bit more of what the future looks like and trust that I, as is everything else, am in his hands. And there’s nowhere else that I would want to be.

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