it's all going to be fine

Hello mates,

Before I get into it, I just want to let you know I have been completely blown away and more than a little overwhelmed by the response since we announced the new show last week. To everyone who emailed, left a comment, subscribed, liked, shared or sent good vibes our way, thank you.

Now that we’re committed, I can tell you we were so close to not going through with it. I mean, right up until we shared it on social media, and even more recently (like, today) with this letter, I was in half a mind to cut and run. Starting something new is scary and that fearful voice carries me away sometimes. But I’m getting better at reeling her back in these days, because while I know she’s just looking out for me, I also know I’ll be fine.

Discomfort? I’ll be fine.
Uncertainty? Fine.
Not pleasing everyone? Ugh. But fine.
Working things out as we go? Fine.
Evolving? Fine.
Losing people because of it? Bruh. But again…fine.

So I’m here. Uncomfy and figuring it out and it’s all going to be fine. Thanks so much for being in it with me.

What I planned to write about today is why I’m back, why now and what to expect moving forward. And mostly? It has to do with several groups of letters, all of which coincidentally begin with A.

I mentioned last week that I’d spent the better part of the last two years healing. When I shut down The Tortoise, I’d already been dealing with a lot of debilitating health stuff, which got way worse before they got better. I had no clear understanding of what was going on or why, only that I wasn’t okay. I was completely exhausted from scrambling up proverbial mountains, only to find myself in the shadow of taller, steeper peaks that, at some point, I knew I’d have to climb.

I had no idea if there would be more mountains on the other side, or monsters to fight, or a gently sloping path down into green meadows, or something else entirely.

But one shitty day after another, step by step, with the help of Ben and my beautiful kids, I climbed. And I’m actually proud of myself when I say, even on the worst days, I didn’t quit. Because what I met on that path was myself. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I grew her. Because I don’t feel like I rediscovered something or resurrected a ghost. I feel like I’ve given birth.

I was diagnosed as ADHD late last year and Autistic a few months ago (AuDHD is the term used to describe someone who lives with traits of both) and the process has been life-changing. Combined in one brain, autism and ADHD are often at odds, which in my experience, can be completely debilitating.

A quick example: I have a real need for structure and routine (Au). I plan and organise, creating guideposts that help me feel comfortable and confident in my ability to do the thing. But I also need novelty and spontaneity and have a really, really hard time following through on any of those plans or routines (ADHD). Combined, it’s like I have a pathological need to do anything but the things I’ve scheduled (which explains why I was ironing the curtains this morning instead of writing this letter). And that push-pull exists for just about every part of my life.

Over years, the inner tension of needing two opposing things at the same time became shame and guilt and self-loathing. It became chronic stress that became physical pain and chronic illness. It became years-long periods of complete burnout that were attributed to anxiety and depression and everyone’s favourite uninvited guest — perimenopause.

Medication has helped so much. More than I could have believed. And while the first few weeks were a honeymoon of full thoughts and deep creativity and focus and energy, it’s the work I’ve done since that has got me here, to this next chapter and the next set of letters.

I used to think that in any given situation, one of my competing needs was right and the other was wrong. Being organised was Good while chaos was Bad. Joy: Good. Despair: Bad. Adventurous: Good. Homebody: Bad.

But accepting my brain, recognising the impact of its quirks and using neurodivergence as a lens to understand my choices and preferences has shown me that I am both things. Always.

Organised and chaotic. Joyful and despairing. Craving new experiences and seeking out the familiar. Sarcastic and earnest. Simple and complex. Routine and impulsive.

Not either/or. And.

I’m not always thrilled with it, believe me, but I am learning to accept it.

Our new podcast, the tortoise & the hare was born in that acceptance. The realisation that there is freedom in the ‘and’. Individually, yes, but also more broadly. Society is increasingly divided along lines of us versus them and there is little room for the kind of nuanced conversations we would all benefit from.

Enter, the final group of letters…

I apologise for the feathers I may ruffle here, but ruffle them I will: I fucking hate generative AI.

I understand the arguments. I see the tech-bros and Hollywood sellouts telling us we need to get on board or get left behind. I recognise why people talk about the accessibility and productivity and levelling of playing fields. But I don’t buy it. I don’t agree. I don’t for one second believe the creators of this environmental-and-cultural shitshow of a technology have humanity’s best interests at heart and I will never, ever use it. (This is one area where I’m happy to not live in the middle. For me, it’s a 100% no-fucking-way line in the sand.)

AI companies have stolen the work of millions of authors, musicians, actors, artists, photographers and designers — myself and many of my friends included — and now package it up as a subscription service that allows people to punch in some prompts, spit out a soulless pastiche of other people’s work and call it art or thought or, even worse, fact.

And what does this rant have to do with our new podcast?

Firstly, Ben and I believe so strongly in the social, personal and cultural benefits of creative work that we will always choose human-powered creativity. Everything about the tortoise & the hare is proudly hand-made, homegrown, perfectly imperfect. From the collages I make for episode and cover art, to show notes and transcripts, editing and social media — everything is done by human hands. It costs us lot more in time, energy and money, but I believe the process is the point. It’s where learning happens. And what’s life if not learning?

Secondly, the wide use of AI is making nuanced conversations harder to find and more important than ever. When Claude or ChatGPT or whatever-the-hell echo chamber says, “actually yes, your opinion is the correct one and here is a source* to back it up,” it creates an unearned sense of certainty. It removes the need to consider things deeply, to question and dig and discover and change. We need to learn to think critically. We need to centre empathy and curiosity and humanity. Not outsource the process of thought altogether.

And finally, a genuine question: Does anyone using AI actually feel they have more free time? Because everyone I talk to is still stretched beyond capacity.

*source may, in fact, be complete bullshit

From all of this comes our new show, with roots that are both personal and broad. I have no idea how it will be received, because it’s quite different to anything we’ve done before. But I’m excited to try.

From the get-go, ttath will have free and paid episodes.

The first show drops next week, with a topic that will feel familiar to many of you: the duality of fast & slow.

After that, fortnightly episodes will be freely available to everyone, whether you get them delivered to your inbox by subscribing here on Substack, watch us on YouTube, or listen on your favourite podcast app — Spotify, Apple, Pocketcasts etc.

Community features like comments, full show notes, resources and behind-the-scenes tomfoolery will live here, so if you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe. You’ll get new episodes direct to your inbox and become part of this lovely corner of the internet at the same time.

join the crew

In addition to the fortnightly shows, paying supporters get an exclusive episode every other week. These pods will be slightly more personal and free-wheeling, and will feature shenanigans, hot takes and Ben’s favourite/infuriating game — Devil’s Advocate.

These extra shows will be available here and — once the subscriber-only links are set up — on YouTube and podcast apps.

If you’ve gotten value from my books or our podcasts over the years, or would like to support us in remaining steadfastly AI-free, please consider becoming a paying supporter. Between now and August 20, there’s an early-bird discount that matches the subscription cost from four years ago, after which it will go up to $8/month.

join for $5/month

(If you were previously a paying supporter, you should have received an email yesterday about the changes. Let me know if you didn’t receive it.)

Okay. Two more things before I get out of your hair on a Friday.

1. Moving forward, posts won’t look like this. I can’t tell you exactly what to expect, but I do know it will be different. And that’s part of the fun.

2. There are a few bugs I still need to work out on the back end, so please bear with me if things are glitchy. If you do spot an issue though, drop a comment and I’ll check it out when I can.

And that’s it. I’m excited and nervous and it’s all going to be fine.

In the meantime, I hope you have a wonderful weekend and thank you again for being here.
Brooke 💚