Validation Detox

I’ve cut out sugar. I’ve cut out booze. I’m back in the gym and I’ve been working on getting comfortable jogging a 5k. All things that, as of two weeks ago, would have been plastered on my Instagram stories.

Something shifted after I arrived home from London three weeks ago. A sensitivity to anything draining, an allergy to self-imposed malaise. Lately, I feel like a depleting battery, steadily losing power every moment I spend scrolling social media.

Hilarious timing considering I had a reel go viral back in December. A recipe tutorial explaining how to make my very favorite shortbread. My following skyrocketed from 220 to 22.2k in under a month. A dream come true, right? A shining opportunity, is this my big break?

Two months later and I’ve gotten the ick. Bad.

I love creating videos, the act of setting up a camera, capturing nice angles with natural light. Editing brings me deep satisfaction. The whole process is creatively rewarding.

It’s the moment I hit ‘share’. The minutes and hours that follow. Incessant checking. How is my reel performing? How many views, likes, shares? Is the graph going up or down. Every time I tap the IG icon to monitor my stats, I end up sucked into a scrolling hole, my battery life sinking lower and lower.

In 2021, three days before a move away from home to start what seemed like the ‘perfect job’, a position assisting a producer and her family, work that likely would have landed me back in Los Angeles, my dog nearly bit off the end of my nose. Twelve stitches and ten days later, after the shock had worn off, I had a decision to make.

Take the job or stay in Atlanta?

My mind wrestled. Atlanta felt the best. My body relaxed when I considered it, a peaceful excitement. But was I choosing the easy choice? Was I running away from an opportunity that could potentially make my lifelong dream come true? Was I self-sabotaging out of fear? Self-doubt is the devil that rides on my back.

Ultimately, I chose the easy choice and have spent the last five years experiencing my life unfold in the most magical and unexpected ways. I’ve been contemplating this lesson, that the better choice felt better and didn’t require talking myself into or out of anything.

It simply felt right.

Yesterday, I took a nap that felt like the movie Inception.

A nap within a nap, I dreamt of falling asleep. I was in a strange house, my friend was visiting but I was so tired. In my dream, exhaustion came at me as actual waves, clobbering me, growing bigger until I was engulfed under the cold water, dolphins swimming around me, I was surprised to find I could breathe.

Then my friend called my name. It was a weight heavier than any I’d ever lifted to open my dream eyes, come up from under the water and wake. Once I did, I realized I was still dreaming. A welcome awareness… keep sleeping it’s okay. And I did, for two and half hours, the most glorious nap I’ve taken in ages and the reason this Substack entry is posting later than usual. I chose a nap over a self-imposed deadline and it felt amazing.

I’m at a familiar impasse. Is taking a break from Instagram (a decision that already feels frivolous and obvious) self-sabotage? Am I squandering my opportunity to capitalize on a moment? Or am I ignoring the choice that brings me the most peace? To block out the noise and need for outside validation. To step as far away from capitalizing (on) anything other than letters and find some peace and sovereignty.

For ages I’ve told myself a story. I’m a quitter who walks away. But over the past few years, I’ve proven myself wrong countless times. Believing the old tale has grown more and more challenging the older I’ve gotten.

Observed from a different angle, this decision, ‘to pause or not to pause’, presents a completely different opportunity. Instead of continuing to push to achieve more viral Instagram fame, I have a chance to say, no thank you, and bury an age-old narrative.

Remind myself once again that the choice that feels the best is the right one. That despite what my backseat passenger, self-doubt, has to say about it, I actually do have everything I need within me already. No graphs or stats needed to validate that fact.

There’s endless power in surrender.

Some seeds never grow without setting fire to the field first.

I’m more interested in running towards uncertainty than constantly checking to see how many views my reel has gotten. To let the cold waves clobber me, pull me deep down under the water and into a new place where I discover I can still breathe.

The more I let go, the fuller I feel. My battery remains at full charge.

READING

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. My friend Devan so generously gave me her spare copy and it’s a book I’ve been meaning to read for years. So excited to finally dive in.

LISTENING

In case you missed it, this episode from Shift into Alignment. Annie and Marissa welcomed me back for a second interview where I talk more in depth about learning to lean into the choice that feels best.

USING

The Runna app which so far has been completely free and provided me with a five week 5k plan I’m really loving. It is SUPER challenging but I’m game. I have a feeling it’s going to ask for payment soon but two weeks have passed and I’m still freely using it so 🤷🏼‍♀️.

My number 1 commenter, my dad, and I, leave for Montana this Thursday to attend a writer’s workshop hosted by David James Duncan. I am thrilled for so many reasons but topping the chart is seeing Missoula and being surrounded by nature for a few days.

Event work is kicking in and I’m gearing up for monthly and twice monthly travel through June, taking something off my plate (Instagram addiction) felt necessary and very good.

I hope you’re doing well, enjoying some lovely early spring weather, buying yourself some flowers and visiting your local farmers markets when you can.

I’m sending you so much love.

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