10 things I learned in other people's therapy in 2024.

Everyone has a right to pain. You don’t have to have a good enough excuse or a bad enough thing happen to experience pain and healing in turn. Resmaa Menakem calls the unavoidable discomfort of being a human on this planet “clean pain.” Grief, disappointment, anger, fear, and hurt come for everyone.

Symptoms are communication from our deepest needs. Sadness, numbness, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, intrusive thoughts – all are calls from the basement. The more you listen, the closer you get to regulation and healing. Bodies and minds are wise, but sometimes they go about asking for what they need in overwhelming ways. Your main job is to notice their sound and listen in.

Every single one of us has a strong inner bully who is constantly making things difficult. Maybe yours sounds like your parents or siblings or the culture in general. Either way, it has your voice now and it’s hard to tell the who’s who. You get mad and try to banish them with numbing, rage, perfection, self-harm, work. In general though, this only makes their abuse louder and more ugly.

Patriarchal culture is in the water. It shows up in our relationships, families, work, parenthood, finances, healthcare, food, bodies, and emotions. You might think your personal water is safe – it’s sprung from a mountain! But patriarchy leaks in from underground, clear and persistent. When you notice that, it can feel hurtful and infuriating. When you start to talk about how bad it tastes, how it gives you a headache and doesn’t actually hydrate you at all, you move toward liberation.

Performing happiness or high-functioning doesn’t do anything good for anyone. It might feel better on the surface or look great on social media, but paving over true experience does harm to you and everyone who loves you. Your mask only lasts for so long before it starts to unglue. Your real face is beautiful and we want to see it.

Grief isn’t a process, it’s a place. Like all new places it takes time to get acclimated. When you first arrive, everything is overwhelming. You don’t know the language or how to get around. Over time, you start to speak a few phrases, learn the roads, understand the weather systems. One day, you’re walking down the street and realize you’re speaking fluently and haven’t checked the map. It doesn’t mean you don’t still get lost, or have to check the dictionary, or miss your old city. But you do start to feel at home again – in this place and inside yourself.

The new mom needs everything the baby needs. Holding, nourishment, warmth, comfort, communication, attunement, eye contact, physical touch, warm food on demand, human connection. When we deprive her of these basic needs, we cause harm to her mind, body, and nervous system. Same same for the baby. These needs shouldn’t create more work for her. They should be tended with gratitude by her partner, family, and community.

No one gets parenthood right. Because we all parent from inside a capitalist, patriarchal, and white supremacist culture. And because we are all complicated, flawed humans. Parents are powerful. You will make mistakes and cause harm to your children. Your job is not to get everything right and never break a sweat. Your job is to create a safe, cozy nest where rupture, repair, and healing occur. To hold your power with care and endless compassion.

You don’t have to wait to feel better. Sometimes guilt, fear, and self-doubt are so deeply programmed, you don’t stand a chance of separating from them. You might feel like you can’t make a change or evolve when you feel guilty, afraid, or unsure. But they can all come along. These feelings are part of the story, along for the ride – a sidecar. They do not need to drive.

Insist on your joy. Nourishment comes in many forms - food, water, movement, play, relationship, sex, prayer, making art, making jokes, time outside, and and and. This is no easy feat in a toxic culture, especially for those in marginalized identities. You need space, time, boundaries, and support, and you must use your voice to access them. Every time you do, you help heal everyone coming up behind you. So speak up – say it loud!