#26 - In Memory of my grandfather

My grandfather passed from this life on 8/8/21.

Do you remember the first time you tried to think about what the world would be like with you not in it? Growing up I learned about death mostly through the Catholic Church and my family. I can remember as a young child, probably between 8-11 trying to conceptualize what death would be like and how the world would look with me not in it.

We are taught phrases like “death comes for us all”, “tomorrow isn’t promised”, and “live your life to its fullest”. It’s all well and good to say these things, it’s quite another to live them. One thing I’ve learned about death is how it shapes those left behind.

At its best, the death of a loved one (while tragic) can help put your life into perspective. I loved my grandfather a great deal, and to honor him I have been endeavoring to put my own life in context and push myself to achieve the goals I have.

One of my favorite quotes from Doctor Who comes towards the end of Matt Smith’s arc as the 13th doctor. There’s no sense in explaining the incredibly intricate plot that brings the viewer to this scene, but there is beauty in the words for me.

Well, you’ll remember me a little. I’ll be a story in your head, that’s ok. We’re all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? Because it was you know, it was a good one.

My grandfather was born in Havana, Cuba. Growing up he never had intentions of leaving the country of his birth. Like many Cuban refugees of that time, I think he believed he would return to his homeland. Here are some of his stories that I will remember and would like to share with you.

If you join the military (which my grandfather did for a brief time), one of the first lessons you are taught is to not volunteer for anything. My grandfather didn’t go for that. When an officer showed up and asked for a volunteer he stepped forward, and was able to spend his time in the Army driving around some high-ranking officer whose name I can’t remember as opposed to being thrown into combat.

It wasn’t the military though where this advice led him somewhere great. My grandfather’s story is the “American dream” in many ways. He worked many odd jobs in NYC until he found a place at a Brazilian cargo shipping company. Eventually he landed a sales job, and one day the manager asked the team: who wants to move to Miami and head up a new office?

The way the story was told to me? No one on the team was interested, after all Miami isn’t New York City. But my grandfather, who never finished High School in Cuba, said yes.

That decision sent him and his young family on a trajectory that would have him mastering three languages, traveling the world, achieving prominence in his field, and most importantly caring for those he was responsible for.

Being open to opportunity, or “saying yes” isn’t that easy when you think about it.

It takes a particular confidence (or delusion) in one’s ability to move across a country that isn’t yours to begin a new job you’re not qualified for on paper.

Hell, it takes a particular confidence (or delusion) to leave the country of your birth to find freedom. That is what my grandfather1 did, and it’s a story worth remembering.

It is this particular confidence (or delusion) I think one needs in order to find success.

My grandfather would walk into a restaurant, and the staff would line up to say hello. In his retirement, he knew everyone who worked at the local Publix supermarket in his town. I was fortunate enough to visit my grandparents in June of this year, and while we were having lunch at a small Salvadoran restaurant, many of the people walking in for their lunch break came to say hi.

He would do things a lot of us forget, like learn the name of the person behind the deli counter, or spend time chopping it up2 with a waiter or store clerk.

One of the earliest lessons I remember learning from him was to always tip well. He was the kind of guy who would get up to “go to the bathroom” before paying for an entire bill. He would stress how hard servers worked, and how it means something to show the value you took from their service. I took this lesson to heart so much that even during times where I really didn’t have the income, I would still do it. I think there’s something to be said for paying it forward like that.

Business lunches were something my grandfather would talk about a lot.

It was the 80s in Miami, and life was good if you were in his business. With equal satisfaction he would talk about taking executives out to an expensive lunch where they would drink wine and whiskey or when he would buy his whole team dinner when they had to work late loading a plane. Actions as they say, speak louder than words.

“I made plenty of money, and I had a lot of fun.”

Many of his stories towards the end of his life started with some variation of the words above. If I’m being honest it’s the hardest for me to follow. It’s not that I don’t enjoy fun. It’s that for a long time, I have spent more time worrying about how to pay loans back that he was kind enough to co-sign than finding happiness in the moment.

Now that my cash flow at the end of the month is positive, I still find it tough to invest in making myself happier.

For him, buying gifts was how he showed love. There were trips to Brazil for the family, and trips to Paris for he and my Grandmother. There’s one story in particular he would repeat a lot.

He and my grandmother were driving one day in Miami and they passed by a Saab dealership, my grandmother pointed out a particular model remarking that she liked it. Hearing this, my grandfather went back to the dealership and bought her the car as a surprise. Sports cars as I’m sure you know aren’t cheap, and by design they’re not the most practical vehicle to drive as a mother of three children, but my grandfather wanted her to have it as an expression of his love.

Many people view accumulating wealth like the dragons of ancient stories. The dragons would hoard massive amounts of riches in the mountain or cave where they lived and do nothing with it. This is a false understanding of what you actually do when you reach a certain level of wealth and autonomy. The only way to make yourself richer (ethically) is by helping people around you.

I don’t know what happens to us after we die, but I know that when we die, it is those closest to us who carry our memory forward into the world. In this way, how we leave our mark on the world matters. So long ago, when I was first meditating on death as a boy, I wondered whether it was literally true we stay alive so long as someone remembers us. My elementary school was next to a cemetery growing up3, and I wondered who remembered the people marked by headstones so old that the names had been worn away.

Was my grandfather perfect? Absolutely not. Neither am I, and for that matter neither are you.

I’m grateful for the time I had with my grandfather, I’m committed to honoring his memory as long as I’m blessed to be on this earth, and while it wavers I have faith I will see him and others lost to death’s embrace again.

So have fun, tip well, and say yes.

Tomorrow isn’t promised.