It’s come to my attention that modern daters do not know the difference between a situationship and casual dating.
Well, settle in, friends, because class is in session.
This came from a recent TikTok I posted a few days ago when I said casual dating seems to be my jam for the summer (of course, TBD, since it’s only May lol). I talked about what I thought casual dating was, and one guy said, “Sounds like a situationship.”
No, honey. I know what a situationship is. I used to be the Queen of Situationships — a title that weighs heavy on the head and heart, and not one that I would like to repeat.
When I say “casual dating,” there’s a distinct difference between that and a situationship. I’m standing on business with that one.
A situationship is something that stems from modern dating and all the dating ambivalence and avoidance that’s come with it. Casual dating is something that people used to do — back when people went “steady.” It’s something that was pretty common 30 or 40 years ago. As my mom put it, you’d meet people you liked, and someone would ask you out, and you did exactly that — you went out with them. You went bowling or roller skating or to the movies. Maybe you “necked” a little bit (which is boomer slang for making out), but you weren’t exclusive. You weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend until the guy (again, boomer/heteronormative stereotypes here) asked you to be his girlfriend. But you were both free to date whomever you liked and enjoy someone’s company. It was innocent. It was clean, simple, and fun. There wasn’t a lot of confusion over it.
Recently I said that I thought casual dating was something I liked for me because it presented me with options instead of being fixated on one guy — and that’s the key difference between situationships and casual dating.
Because, let’s be honest, when you’re in a situationship, it’s usually with one person — not multiple people — and typically, one of you is trying to make that situationship into a relationship (don’t lie to me! you know that’s true!). There’s also a ton of miscommunication and ambivalence in situationships. You don’t know what you’re doing — are you a couple, are you not? It’s like you’re always waiting for something to be confirmed — DTR — while still giving girlfriend (or boyfriend) privileges to someone who’s clearly not your partner and who has probably told you, “I am not looking for something serious right now,” and yet you’re still only seeing them. Or maybe you’re like, “That’s fine,” and say you’re dating other people, but will drop everything and everyone as soon as you get that ping from their text.
That’s not what casual dating is. Casual dating is more defined. You know you’re dating each other, and you know you’re dating other people. There’s more transparency and communication, and a lightness to your dynamic. You’re actually enjoying each other’s company and doing things outside of the bedroom — while, yes, sex is on the table — you’re more about experiencing and evaluating your time with these people rather than obsessing over them.
TL;DR
How Urban Dictionary defines it:
“Let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other.”
A situationship is emotional trauma in a gift box.
Characteristics of a situationship:
Very undefined — not dating, not in a relationship, but definitely sleeping together
Feels like dating, but without any actual clarity or labels
Usually emotionally exclusive, even if it’s not agreed upon
You’re usually seeing only each other (and if someone is seeing other people, they don’t want you to know — and vice versa)
Communication is often minimal when it comes to emotional transparency and expectations
Plans together often lead to sex (or are built around it)
You’re basically having sex and then “hanging out” / chilling
One person typically wants a relationship, while the other does not — but doesn’t fully leave
The person hoping for more stays attached, waiting for it to eventually become something official
Can drag on for weeks, months, or even years
How Urban Dictionary defines it:
“A casual date is an evening, a meal, or a get-together of some kind in which there is no expectation of further commitment on either side. Although one side may desire a further relationship, it is understood that both parties are free to sample the company of each other and are as equally free to terminate any sense of relationship as well.”
I like this example they give when it comes to casual dating:
Conversation on casual dating example
Jenna: “Omgoodness, I just met this really cute guy and he asked me to go and grab some drinks together sometime.”
Sarah: “Oh wow, okay! What’s his name? And how has it been going with Tommy?”
Jenna: “His name is Leonardo! And it’s been going really good at the moment. We’ll see how things go! We’ll see each other next week.”
Sarah: “Aww, well let’s see which of the two will be the lucky guy!”
Jenna: “So glad casual dating allows us to date more than one person at a time. I mean, you just don’t know if you’re even going to end up marrying someone in the end, right? Got to give it a go to know!”
Sarah: “True, true! And take your time with it too — don’t rush into things with someone, might ruin it!”
I mean, what more can I say?
You both know you’re dating each other — and dating other people
You’re not rushing to define the relationship — you’re enjoying getting to know someone and letting them get to know you
You’re going out on actual dates and doing activities together
You might kiss and/or have sex — you might not
You’re evaluating whether this connection is worth committing to, while openly communicating where you’re at
There are clear boundaries in place
It’s fun — not emotionally entangled or obsessive
You like each other, but you’re not fixated on each other
There’s an understanding that there may eventually be a parting of ways or escalation of the relationship, and you’re both aware of that
What concerns me most about modern dating is the lack of casual dating actually existing out there. It feels like there’s an all or nothing mentality when it comes to dating — or maybe it’s more like all or SOMETHING, meaning situationships — because that’s all there seems to be offered or thought to be offered. But I’d like to remind daters that casual dating is something you can have and should try. It’s really the first step in intentional dating.
Of course casual dating can also become confusing if you drag it out for months and months with the same person and you want a relationship and that’s not happening, BUT typically it just means you’re in the getting-to-know-them stage and enjoying them and just remaining open. I find daters now want to know what’s going to happen right away. Men’s dating profiles often say: “Want something serious but not looking to jump into something right away” and whenever I see that, I want to scream, “THAT’S DATING YOU DUMMY!”
But it’s not his fault. Because we live in a culture that doesn’t understand that dating needn’t be as serious or intense as we have made it. I’m not saying we’re being casual with someone’s heart — there should always be respect and consideration and clear communication in any dating scenario — but I fear that we’ve outsourced a lot of our own identity and self-worth on whether someone chooses us or whether we can make a relationship last from the jump when…you won’t know that until you try.
One woman on TikTok said to me: “It will go somewhere, either an ending or progress. Leaning back is ok, but there’s an indefinite fork in the road for both parties involved.”
And I replied: “That’s dating.”
Not every dating experience will lead you to your relationship and that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it will probably help you! So in the meantime, and I feel like I’ve said this a lot before, but enjoy the process of dating! And I think we enjoy dating when we actually…date people.
And personally? I would like to see situationships go the way of the dodo. Fully extinct. Gone. Pack it up. I think they cause too much pain for people, and they’ve become more common and more accepted when it really shouldn’t ever be acceptable to live in limbo — or allow yourself to stay in limbo — when you’re not getting your needs met.
A situationship is what people usually end up in when they want a relationship with a particular person and are willing to take whatever scraps they can get in the meantime. Casual dating, on the other hand, is when you want a relationship with the right person for you — and the only way you’ll know that is if you date more people.
Anyway, that’s my case. Class dismissed.
Thanks for being here!
Love, Brie xoxo
P.S. Let me know in the comments any recent situationships/casual dating stories! Or let me know if you’re down to casual date this summer!
casually dating, not drinking, and life lately
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May 20
Hello from my desk where I am currently sitting in sweaty clothes after a tennis lesson. I told myself I would shower immediately when I got home, but for whatever reason, I like writing when I’m dirty. I feel like a shower kills momentum, and when I feel the urge to write, I try to heed the call before it disappears and I suddenly decide I need to reorganize my closet instead.
should i have a roster?
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Jan 6
I was curled up on my couch, Olive snoring on my chest, scrolling through Hinge AND Bumble — multitasking, hustling, living in the digital dating age — when I asked myself:
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