What's Really Going On In A Guy's Head When He's Not Talking To You

Emily has a little joke about me never thinking it’s a good time to talk, that she has to “book a time” with my “assistant” to put in the calendar. My counter-joke is that her favorite times to start a big lengthy discussion are either first thing in the morning before I’ve had a cup of coffee, or in bed at night right as my eyes are starting to close. I mean, we do talk throughout the day but our family and work schedule makes it difficult to get any dedicated time to actually sit down and engage on the regular. When we are in a consistent dating routine its pretty good and now that our kids are old enough to be home alone, we’re going to be taking a lot of post-dinner walks just the two of us in the Summer. But if we are off our routine, it can go way too long and she has to beg.

In all seriousness, while we actually do communicate well, I realized there’s something in Em’s joke that was pretty revealing - she’s always the one asking for time to talk. And I started to wonder why that is. Why have I put myself in the receiver roll? Why am I less proactive in our communication and rely on her to instigate most of the conversations? And I don’t mean the day-to-day stuff, I engage in that, but when it comes to deeper, more intimate conversations. And that’s not to say that we don’t have a very healthy level of communication, we do, it’s actually something we privately brag to each other about. But I’m definitely more passive about it than she is.

And it’s not like there’s nothing for me to share. I’ve got tons of things weighing down on me all the time, like every person on Earth. It’s just that my natural inclination is to keep it to myself. If I’m having a bad day or am feeling down about something, my first reaction isn’t to go to my wife to talk it out, it’s to swallow it and get through the day. Which we all know is a recipe for disaster. I was lucky enough to go to a therapist in my thirties who taught me how to spot this behavior in myself and begin to change it, but I obviously still suffer from it or I wouldn’t be writing this post. And it’s not to excuse the behavior or say it should be allowed, but I’ve received some emails asking me to write about this, and while I’m not able to prescribe anything to fix it, maybe I can shed some light on what’s going on in my head behind it. But keep in mind, we’re all different with so many varying circumstances, this is just my subjective take on it.