I'm writing a book.

I am about 20k+ words into a full-length memoir focusing on my 18th year -

It follows my hospitalization when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, to when I came out with my first bf who was then diagnosed with HIV.

A time marked by some of the most difficult challenges: I had to drop out of school twice, alter my relationships, and completely reinvent my self-concept multiple times. But by being forced to do so, I became a stronger, more compassionate, capable person. I became much more me.

And now, I finally have the distance to share what I learned. Because the stories I love the most are the ones that show the necessary redemption that suffering can bring. This is the story I wish I had read then.

Instead, I struggled to survive, get on the right meds, support him, educate, and protect myself. And then it was decades of learning how to fully inhabit the real me - outside of any diagnosis. To love without losing myself.

It’s crazy how a few incidents in our formative years can so shape and define us. It can seem, on the outside, as if we’re fine, but we’re truly just at 50% capacity. That was me.

So, as I’ve outlined the book and made shell scenes for the setting, character, and dialogue, they’ve only come alive when I've been honest with myself. When I reconnect with old parts long buried. And that’s the hardest, most rewarding task of it all.

I’m only a few months into the process, but I’ve learned that writing a memoir isn’t just about a series of entertaining stories but understanding the motivations behind them...and more importantly, the misbeliefs that caused the tension that drove the narrative. And often, the role I played in my own drama or demise.

And this is the hard work that I’ve found most healing.

So, if you have been awaiting a new post on here - a short piece, an essay. This is why there haven’t been any! The book can’t be fully public until it is officially published -

I’ve shared the first two scenes privately with my supporters on Patreon, and now that I've enabled payments here on Substack, I will do the same here.

These are not final versions, nor is this ultimately the way it is meant to be read, but I plan to go sequentially, so if you do want to be a part of the story, to keep track of the narrative progression (I will update the posts as I make significant edits), please consider joining as a supporter on either platform.

For Free Subscribers: I never planned to use this as a personal newsletter, but now that I can’t share the bulk of my creative output publicly, I will start to do so, which I hope will still be of interest.

xBG