One year ago, my sabbatical ended, and I went back to work. It has now been a full year of full-time employment. I have realized that the process of de-centering my job from my life is a long game. It’s not going to happen in one year, or even two. But in 2025, I had an opportunity to revisit some of my old wounds and respond to them differently.
At the peak of my career, while I was living in the US, I was a manager at a tech company and landed my “dream job” leading a global team. I was hungry, ambitious, and anxious to make an impact. There were many things I really loved about it. I also felt good at it. However, after spending my weekends recharging my batteries in the van, something began to gnaw at me, suggesting that I was going in the wrong direction. I knew I had to make a change. When my manager left, I moved to an individual contributor role and tried coaching in my free time. I enjoyed that as well, but decided I didn’t want to be a coach as my job. I felt confused.
It was then that my spouse got the job in Italy, and life really took a turn. We moved to Italy, and I was logging in and working remotely while the seaside called my name. I gathered all my strength to leave that job, and enjoyed six months off from working full-time.
During my sabbatical, I traveled, wrote, and tried freelance writing and content creation. I also basically did nothing, as I was also dealing with some serious health issues.
In January 2025, I decided to end my sabbatical and started working for a new company. I felt ready to return to work because, although I hadn’t accomplished all the goals I set for myself during my sabbatical, I felt strongly about securing an income again to achieve financial stability. I wrote down a list of things I wanted in my next job - flexibility, time off, non-toxic environment - and I found something that matched my desires completely.
It has now been a year since I became a full-time employee again in the corporate world. Did what I learn on sabbatical help me in this new position?
The answer is complicated.
When I quit my job, I knew I needed to decouple my identity from my job. I did not realize how embedded my ambition and work were in my sense of worth. I wasn’t distant enough from the situation to appreciate the gravity of it. Six months were not nearly enough to shed the layers of toxic work environments I had lived through, nor process how unwell I felt from participating in the system.
Once I started my new job, I wondered if I had “failed” to complete my sabbatical, since I didn’t make it the full year, and I returned to the same industry I was working in before. I also had to wrestle with the fact that I was not in a position of power, and I took a dramatic pay cut (I felt willing to give up pay for flexibility, but didn’t realize how hard it would be to accept in practice). As I continued working in a lower position and getting paid less money, I started feeling bad about myself.
On the other hand, I loved the joy of a stable paycheck. I had flexible hours, additional time off, and a strong command of how to do the job, given my years of experience. Most importantly, I was in a non-toxic work environment for the first time in my entire life. I was so used to seeing everything as a “fire” I needed to put out, I wasn’t used to relaxing into a healthy working rhythm.
Unsure of what to make of my dissatisfaction, I pursued coaching through BetterUp (I have no affiliation with them). If you are interested in coaching for any professional or personal pursuit, I would strongly recommend the coaches here. They are not only highly qualified with years of experience in the corporate world, but they are also certified by the International Coaching Federation. The cost, while expensive, is more similar to therapy than to the thousands of dollars private coaching programs typically cost, and you get individualized help.
My coaches helped me see that I was standing in my own way. The new version of myself wanted to focus on motherhood, creative pursuits, and enjoying my life in Europe. My personal dreams were coming true, but I needed to let go of this attachment to being traditionally “successful.”
I could accept that I had everything I ever wanted, or I could keep creating struggle in my life where there didn’t need to be.
“At its center, it has always come down to trust, SURRENDER and a belief that allowing things to die in this life is fucking worth it. Simply to be HERE and to find out who you really are.” Mara Hoffman, Dying to Be Here
My coaches also helped me navigate the slew of triggers that came up for me at work. I don’t like too much hierarchy (I am used to working in start-ups where I can maximize my impact), being disrespected for my low positional power, or my colleagues being “lazy” (it’s hard for me to accept standards I would never allow myself, even after all these years). My relationship to work was being held as a mirror for me to investigate my relationship with myself.
Surrendering to this season of life, where I am focusing on my creative work and preparing for motherhood, has been a practice in letting go of old parts of myself that worked so hard for so many years to keep it together.
It’s still hard to witness friends who have immense professional success, because it triggers that same flame in me - why did I let myself go?
The answer is because the other side is so much better. I can focus on my family. I can embrace my travel addiction. I can still pick up some of my old freelance gigs, which is fun and adds variety to my life. I can also make time for my writing. I published three pieces this year and participated in two writing critique groups.
I am not sure what the future holds for my career, but I know I am going in the right direction. I recently heard the saying, “design your career around your lifestyle,” and that really rang true for me. My non-negotiable is being able to travel and write. I know there is a version of myself where I can figure out how to make all my skills come together in the perfect job. She is in here! It might not happen in five years, or even ten years, but I will not stop self-publishing my work, writing my silly little stories, or even posting cute videos on socials. The fun is in figuring it out.
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Living for Me: Crafting a Life Beyond Society's Blueprint
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January 10, 2025
When I turned 30 years old, I had checked every box on the traditional life path. I was climbing the ladder at my corporate job, was newly married, and we had just bought our first house in a suburban neighborhood in Philadelphia. I was poised to become another straight white woman with an Instagram account for house renovations.
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