The Desperation of Ed Gainey

Story time, Pittsburgh!

My teen daughter and I were driving back from the evening sensory-friendly session of Handmade Arcade a few weeks ago and were on the Boulevard of the Allies heading toward Oakland when she pointed out a large Christmas tree on the South Side. I, in turn, pointed out the Duquesne Light clock and said, “I’ve told you about that, right?”

She said, “Uh. Something about it being the biggest clock in the world?...”

I enthused, “Not anymore! At one time it was considered to be!” Then I eagerly launched into its origin story as part of a Coca-Cola billboard along the face of Mount Washington in the 1930s before being moved in the 1960s.

Now, my daughter has the kind of smarts that come along with autism. She’ll talk Pliny the Elder with you as much as she’ll explain complex paleontological findings using phrases like “we actually now believe [some newfangled complex paleontological finding].” She, therefore, thinks her mom is a complete doofus and not just because I once admitted to her that I thought reindeer were mythical creatures well into my 40s until I saw one at Living Treasures Animal Park and nearly fell out of my skin all THEY DO EXIST!

After I gave her the history of the clock, she said absentmindedly toward her window, “You sure know a lot about Pittsburgh history.” Reader, I immediately turned into Khaby Lame all …

I entered a wild flail. “I done been telling you that! I teach Pittsburgh history! I have a Master’s degree! You’ve seen it hanging on my wall! I am smart!”

And she was like, okay, what’s 13 minus 8? and so I grounded her.

Speaking of math not being real … let’s chat!

1. The math finally maths

It wasn’t Snowmageddon territory, but Pittsburgh was smote with enough snow to create some beautiful chaos as peaceful silences that come from a thickly laid snow blanket were occasionally disrupted by the sounds of motorists attempting to get their sedans up some of Pittsburgh’s steepest streets from a dead stop rather than trusting the physics that says you need some momentum if you want to have even a glimmer of hope of making it to the top before you run out of gas.

While some of the city streets remained unplowed or unsalted even 48 hours or more after snow ended, the Gainey admin released a statement saying they expect a return to pavement by the end of today for all city streets (honestly likely more abetted by warming temperatures than salt application).

Now, you’re wondering as I do every year: snow has been a city issue since we were born in 1816. How have we not figured it out yet? The answer, I’ve found, is in the numbers. Back in February of this year, public works director Chris Hornstein reported:

The city should ideally have roughly 123 snow-fleet vehicles to adequately handle “what I think residents want to see” in a street-clearing response. Instead, it has 103 snow fleet vehicles — and around a third of those, or 37 vehicles, are out of commission.

Okay; 123 is the magic number for adequate snow-clearing and Pittsburgh was working with 20 fewer than needed back in February. Let’s see what was available to DPW crews during this weekend’s snow, some nine months later:

Winter weather operations began on Saturday with 61 trucks and 16 reserve units.

No need to call in Scooby and the gang; the mystery has been solved. The City of Pittsburgh DPW crews were expected to clear seven to nine inches of snow with [checks calculator] 46 FEWER TRUCKS than the 123 needed for adequate levels of snow removal and with only 77 of their 103 trucks actually working. Talk about being set up for failure.

The math says no amount of reconfiguring the routes or timing is going to solve the problem. The only thing that will do so is either it stops snowing forever in Pittsburgh, or the city adds to the snow-removal fleet. The Gainey 2026 proposed budget, which is considered by council to be anywhere from fiscally problematic to a bald-faced rose-colored lie, calls for a nearly $1 million investment in the DPW vehicle fleet, though there is no specificity indicated as to how much of that would be earmarked for snow-removal vehicles.

It remains to be seen what the 2026 final budget will include, as Gainey’s desperate desire to leave office on a high note that he believes strengthens his mayoral legacy butts against the desire of the council he leaves behind to not run into a massive shortfall that ends up being the first domino to fall on our way further into very scary economic territory.

Buckle up, kids. And not just because your mom is about to try to get up slushy Canton in her 2002 Ford Escort.

* Yes, I had to use a calculator. Don’t tell my daughter.

2. How dare Pittsburghers have a Pittsburgh accent! shouts man yelling at clouds

This is from weeks ago, but please read this unhinged letter received by the Trib’s entertainment reporter Rob Owen:

Q: Why don’t local TV anchors and field reporters get together on pronunciations of area towns, neighborhoods, etc.?

I see this on newscast after newscast: Anchor uses Pittsburghese and field reporter uses another pronunciation (many times the correct one) or vice versa. Seems like a good way to pick who is the Yinzer born and raised and who is a transplant from elsewhere.

Is there no one at the stations whose job it is to get them on the same page? Why don’t they decide we’re going with one or the other?

Examples:

Pittsburghese: “North Ver-sales.”

Actual: “North Ver-sigh” for North Versailles.

Pittsburghese “Lower Berl.”

Actual: “Lower BurrEL” for Lower Burrell.

Pittsburghese: “DahnTahn.”

Actual: Downtown.

— Dave, Pittsburgh

Internet, if I, a news anchor, had it thrown back to me in the studio by a field reporter who just pronounced North Versailles as “North Ver-SIGH,” I would simply …

… and then I would start laughing and I would never stop laughing and they would fire me for it and I’d also have to be committed to a mental institution due to the world’s first case of “incurable ROTFL” and then one day my gravestone would just read *dies laughing*.

Someone come get your man Dave and explain to him it hasn’t been pronounced like the French Versailles since we scared them into burning down their own fort back in 1758* and anyone who attempts to pronounce it as such had better be prepared to be laughed out of the city like that 5-foot-7 dude who likes to let delusional people think he’s JFK Jr.

BOOM! Politics!

Also, honestly, it’s a miracle we pronounce Duquesne the way we do. I kind of miss the days when Google Maps would say, “Turn right onto Fort Doo-KEZ-nee Boulevard.”** Damn you, whoever corrected that.

* Yes, this is an historical exaggeration. Do not email me. I swear to God.

** When I teach Pittsburgh history, I always do a little spiel on how it’s weird Pittsburgh named so much stuff after losers: Grant. Braddock. Duquesne. I’m a fun teacher!

3. Baby got back … her chipped chopped ham, n’at

I’m going to say something controversial, so grab your yinzer butts: Eat’n Park’s iconic Smiley cookies aren’t very good anymore. Is it yinzer sacrilege to say that? What if I also told you that I order salads at Primanti’s? Fight me.

Anyway! My local Isaly’s used to have these yellow iced smile cookies that were always so much tastier and fresher. I’d walk my little toddler son down each Saturday for a cookie and milk and a coffee for me. Then we’d get some chipped chopped ham or a needed loaf of bread and we’d walk home and I swear I’m not making this up in an effort to secure my yinzer card from your grabby hands. These days, Smiley cookies are so mass-produced that you no longer get them fresh with the icing a bit soft and the cookie a bit chewy. Read the replies to this Reddit post and you’ll find that most people claiming to love them admit it’s more out of a sense of nostalgia than the actual taste and texture.

Do you really love them? Or do you love the IDEA of them?

That said, great news, Isaly’s lovers!

Isaly’s is making a comeback, with plans underway to open a new shop in Pittsburgh’s Strip District that brings back the traditional charm and offerings that made the original stores beloved throughout western Pennsylvania.

Our iconic brand, since 2015, is returning to its roots — inspired by memories of skyscraper ice cream cones and deli counters serving signature chipped chopped ham. We’re reintroducing these nostalgic elements in a new 3,500-square-foot space at 2111 Penn Ave., marking the first new Isaly’s store in decades.

I. Am. Ecstatic.

Finally we get something old back again*, which surprisingly doesn’t happen often enough here in a town with a wildly overdeveloped sense of nostalgia. Can you imagine if they opened a tiny Hills somewhere, complete with the cafe? And the store that was attached to the cafe only sold Hills-branded merch and nostalgic throwback items like these toys or these shirts** so you felt like you walked back in time? Extra credit if they housed modern payment terminals within old cash registers.

I know we’ve already established this on many occasions, but I have the best ideas.

I expect you all to join me in patronizing this new Isaly’s enough to make it profitable. Don’t disappoint me or I’ll deliver a dozen day-old Eat’n Park Smiley cookies to your front door.

Hope you like chalk and cavities.

* Remains to be seen if we will be getting one of the new Chi-Chi’s restaurants. I’d truly love a classic Baja Burrito. I feel like since Pittsburgh is the regional home to the green onion Hep-A outbreak that took four lives in 2003, we’re probably not high on their list of markets they’d consider to be potentially profitable. Shame.

**That’s a local company BTW

4. I wanna talk about me me me me

I have been really busy and have so many things I’ve been wanting to share in detail with you all, but I have to just round them up here for you.

• My podcast interview with City Cast Pittsburgh about my Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide is here. In it, I say my favorite thing I’ve ever said about Terrible Towels: “They’re meant to have their character SHOVED into them.” (Also, please subscribe to and support City Cast Pittsburgh because it is an important media outlet that is always full of great local info and insights.)

• My KDKA-TV Talk Pittsburgh interview with Heather Abraham and Boaz Frankel about the gift guide can be viewed here. (You guys know I don’t watch videos of myself because of all my [gestures widely at my whole everything] issues, so email me with specific praise only. Emails not containing specific praise will be printed out and fired into the sun.)

• I also did a KDKA Radio interview about the gift guide but I can’t find a link to that. In it I was asked what opinion I have that would get my yinzer card immediately revoked and my answer was that the Pittsburgh Left creates more traffic problems than it solves. I’ll die on that hill while you flash your high-beams at me even though there IS NO ONE BEHIND YOU. OMG JUST GO.

• There are a bunch of new and fun self-guided audio/visual walking tours on the PastFinders app, including: downtown Pittsburgh’s public art, our theaters past and present, and a long Welcome to Pittsburgh tour that loops downtown. We’ve also got walking tours of Homestead and even places like Boston, Philly, ATL, and more. Check them out and learn something while you get out there and explore! It’s free and the Android version should launch in the next few days.

  

  Also, I’m designing all of the cover art in the app without the assistance of AI, so be nice. It’s a struggle for someone not trained in graphic design. If your organization would like to put a walking tour on the map, or just build a collection of scattered historical waypoints for users to explore, reach out to me!

5. An Ode to the Rabid Black and Gold Fan

My latest column for Pittsburgh Magazine is essentially me backing up my long-held belief that Pittsburgh’s modern diehard sports fandom is actually a historical remnant of the days when our teams essentially helped save Pittsburgh’s pride during the steel industry collapse. I found some great quotes and video. First, this from Terry Bradshaw defending the city:

In 1975, an interviewer with Playboy magazine advised Terry Bradshaw that he’d enjoy greater fame playing for a more “glamorous” city. Bradshaw told the interviewer to look out the window onto Pittsburgh and tell what he saw. “Murky steel mills and green water,” came the reply. But Bradshaw, suddenly defensive, pointed out more. “I see the stadium. I see a barge … There’s the Clark candy bar company on the hill. That pretty bridge. The hillside. Hey, what better view could you want? How much more glamorous can a city get?”

And this:

In an NFL film from the 1979 season, Steeler fans are celebrating a playoff victory at a local dive when an older woman, surrounded by blue-collar yinzers, says earnestly to cheers, “It’s the greatest thing ever. It’s done so much for Pittsburgh, for the sports fans … see, we’re greater than just millworkers; there’s more than that to Pittsburgh, right?”

You can watch the video here. Start at 14:33 if you’re looking for that exact snippet.

Give the whole thing a read. I think it will help you understand why sports yinzers are the way they are and why they are also deservingly unapologetic about it.

6. Random n’at

Just a few little things that are actually big things:

• Speaking of great ideas, this opinion piece in Public Source arguing that the Clemente Bridge should be transformed into a linear city park has my enthusiastic stamp of approval. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

• Joe Manganiello moved back home, in case you see him this winter at the Iggle buying a panic-laden cartload of milk and toilet paper. A true yinzer.

• If you’re hunting for a last-minute gift, Iron City Distilling will be selling only 176 bottles of their new Bessemer Rye starting this Friday, December 19th at 10:00 A.M. in their shop at 150 Ferry Street in Creighton. There’s a two-bottle limit. Not an ad! Look at the cool label. You know I buy things solely based on a label that speaks to me:

  

• Another last-minute idea is either donating to the Mario Lemieux Foundation on behalf of your loved one during the “Mario Match” period, or grabbing one of these cool new Goorin Bros. hats! Also not an ad.

  

7. That’s all, yinz!

That’s it for today! I’ll see you before December 31 for this year’s Ten Best Things That Happened in Pittsburgh in 2025 roundup. It’s full of good news and awesome local progress and accomplishments made in the city over the last year despite …

I love you, Seth Meyers.

Be kind! Shovel your damn sidewalks! Email me specific and effusive praise! Have a wonderful holiday! And be sure to get out and see my new band Bald-faced Rose-Colored Lie.

We do lots of Taylor Swift covers.