Pendulum

Hi Son,

Sometimes I’m not an easy person to be around. You might be too young to notice right now, but some days I really struggle. There are days where I have trouble getting off of the couch, when you want me to get “up.” Times when I just want to hid inside rather than go out on the patio to play with “bubbles.” Or maybe I’m just not into trying to make you laugh while reading you a bedtime story. The last couple of days have been like that. It’s also hard on your mom, because there are times that she doesn’t know how to deal with me. Nothing feels enjoyable. Decision making becomes nearly impossible. In just a few hours I can go from one person to the next. I’ve explained before that there are plenty of stressors to worry about to put me into a paralyzed state. There are times I just can’t focus on only what I can control.

One of the most recent songs written by Eddie, Stone and Jeff has stood out to me, “Pendulum.” Partly, because they have used it quite a bit as a set opener (they opened with it both times I took your mom to see them). It’s positioned in the middle of the tracklisting from their “Lightning Bolt” record. It’s a dark tone which starts out with Jeff playing keyboards in a three-note sequence. Then Eddie comes in with the vocals.

Can't know what's high 'til you been down so low
The future's bright, lit up with nowhere to go

To and fro the pendulum throws

Immediately it describes a contrast of emotion. It also suggests that many don’t appreciate what they have until they’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t know what rock bottom would look like. The closest I think I hit it was after I found out your grandmother had a brain tumor and your mom was still going through intensive recovery from the stroke she suffered at the beginning of that year. As far as the pendulum swinging, I think I’ve gone through that experience for most of my life, well before that year.

We are here and then we go
My shadow left me long ago

The pendulum can swing for me at any moment. It could be to where I am enjoying the moment and then suddenly find myself feeling depressed. There’s no shadow because the darkness has filled my being.

Understand what we don't know
This might pass, this might last, this may grow

Easy come and easy go
Easy left me a long time ago

What’s so tough in the moments I feel lost is trying to figure out why exactly I feel the way I do. Is it better to stop wondering and just ride it out? Does trying to figure it out make it worse? Sometimes I wonder if I even want it to get better. As if I deserve the emotional distress I’m in. I just don’t want things to improve, because nothing in life is easy. It gets harder with age.

This part of the song hits a crescendo when Eddie sings “easy left me a long time ago.” Normally when this song is played live is when the crowd really gets into the lyric with him. You can just feel in the entire crowd how everyone is giving into the fact that life never gets easier.

I'm in the fire, but I'm still cold
Nothing works, works for me anymore

This is the apex of which describes my feelings when I am the person who is struggling and does not want to sit on the floor and play with your Mega Blocks (they’re like larger Legos). The environment around me may seem fine, but inside I am afraid to move around in it. No matter what I do, I won’t be able to stop feeling depressed. What’s even the point in trying?

The song then goes into Eddie singing “ah-ah-ah-ah-ah” over and over again with the band playing in the background for the next minute. It’s hauntingly beautiful. In a way it provides a soundtrack to my depression. I’m not looking for something to “cheer me up.” I just want to hear a melancholy tune that I could listen to on repeat for hours. Just let me wallow for a while. Please leave me sitting on the couch with me clutching a blanket.

The song then begins to fade with Eddie singing.

To and fro the pendulum throws
To and fro the pendulum throws
To and fro
To and fro

Please bear with me. Just as much as the pendulum swung to put me into the person you don’t recognize from the day before, tomorrow or even hours from now I could come back to the father you’ve been around for most of the time. Please understand it’s not because of you. Please know I love you just as much.

Love,

Dad