OPE!: Writing Diary 004

3 AUGUST

Submitted to the [writers] group. The instant I sent my stories, I felt like a fraud. It’s in their hands now; I can’t fix all the shortcomings that I now see. Onto other stories in the meantime. It’s strange when you brace yourself for feedback, and the feedback is not what you expected or wanted. I’ve already accepted my work’s weaknesses … but on my terms. Now I have to deal with your terms? My work is flawed in ways I wasn’t expecting? A hit to the ego every time … which is why (good) editors are so wonderful.

Fine rest of the day. Ate well—just one apple is my new favorite breakfast. Got dinner with Griff. “Substack,” he says, “because anyone can.” (derogatory). We talked about the utility of Patreon over Thai chicken and rice; the one of three times a year I have a Diet Pepsi. A beautiful nighttime drive back home.

“When would I ever need to listen to The Smiths?” - Griff

4 AUGUST

A “doodle” writing day. I don’t know how else to describe it. I scan my current drafts and check my gut on:

1) What is strong enough that I can just work on refinements

2) What is shaggy, incomplete, or basic, yet screams “I have potential!” and which I would enjoy getting lost in

3) What feels like a boring chore. Not that writing is easy for me—it’s always hard—yet over the years, I’ve developed a gut check for how I want to spend my writing time. I don’t mind getting stuck or frustrated if I’m still excited by a story’s potential—but I never want to feel bored with my precious writing time. In those moments, giving those stories space and distance does wonders.

I think I know what story I’m going to focus on tomorrow. We’ll see.

We’re ~slightly~ past a mini heatwave. The afternoon walks aren’t so bad. Had a few calls. Listened to a lot of Smiths (good working music). Went on my longest run yet since physical therapy—30 straight minutes without stopping. Hits of that good old runner’s high. I love it.

Tried some more Disco Elysium. I “get” it. I have a lot of respect for how it tells a story through gameplay … but I’m already bored. Maybe Kentucky Route Zero just ruined point-and-click games for me forever (compliment).

Did a lot of laundry while catching up on some podcasts, including some that I used to subscribe to. I remember why I unsubscribed. Too many bits. Too many folks in their 40s trying to hang with the lingo of people in their 20s. Makes me sad—or maybe it’s jealousy that this gets to be their full-time job, even if it’s a job I wouldn’t want (I think I would drive myself and people around me crazy from too much “what are we even doing here?” frustration).

Watched a few “the history of spider man” videos. I’m fascinated by comic book lore (e.g., what gets to be “canon”). I find a lot of comic YouTubers condescending … “OK, so we assume you’ve read both editions of Secret Wars,” etc. I wonder how comic fans (not just Marvel movie fans) feel about film nerds co-opting their IP and casting their judgements on their medium, even if this co-opting is nothing new. I wish Rami could direct Holland.

5 AUGUST

A surprisingly strong writing day. Took an old story that I used to feel little-to-nothing for and realized the problem: I had it half-done. I immediately wrote a second-half. Didn’t overthink it. I’m surprised by how strong it already feels. Obviously needs work, but I’m now working with a full story instead of a half-baked idea. It validates my thoughts yesterday about leaving something alone for a little bit and seeing if I find anything new when I come back. Helps too that this story is based on “real” people whom I’ve wanted to write about for a long time … I can immediately see their faces when I write. (Write what you see, not just what you know.) Very happy that I could still surprise myself with my efficiency.

Pretty decent workday. Long call with mom; this and that. Long evening run.

Went to dinner with Jared, who had a surprise (can’t share here). Pizza tastes so good after a run. We agreed: The Geese kurnuffle was a nice and clear “we’re sick of this shit” moment of constantly feeling like our taste is not up to us, while also laughing at our colleagues in their 30s discovering the concept of digital marketing. Already feels like ancient history.

My new working theory:

NYC = a dirty snowglobe (previously a sinking ship)

LA = a black hole (hasn’t changed)

Chicago = a bar (a fun bar, at least)

My question: Where, and how, do you want to feel trapped? This applies to any place to call home. Funny how in my 30s, I’ve become more comfortable with the void (all that space!). Wasn’t the case in my 20s: NYC was a wonderful trap, with the horizon only as far as the blocks ahead of you, or the little bits of river that you can see from the edges of land. I think I stayed there for the exact right amount of time for me (7 years). I know some friends who are still there and who still seem happy. Can’t fault anyone who feels at home anywhere.

6 AUGUST

The new short story (the one that now feels “complete”) reminds me of “So Far” … wait, what’s the title? It’s a National song. It’s off the album of theirs that I still quite like … maybe the last National album I genuinely liked. I remember it being dismissed in the moment but loving it even then. Reminds me of some formative former friendships—I wonder what all those people are doing now.

I’m now trying to think of the people from Instagram I now miss seeing updates from, now that I’ve deleted the app from the phone for a little while … where can I find those people now? Have no desire to redownload the app.

Trying to remember what I wrote today—too full from a Costco hot dog. Whoops. Went there in the first place to get gas after work and thought, well, why not. Gas is still so expensive—even by my LA standards.

Did Anthony Bourdain ever talk about Costco? Too lazy to check.

7 AUGUST

A shit day, writing and all. Felt much better after a long run and getting out of my place to meet up with people.

8 AUGUST

No entry.

9 AUGUST

Lazy Sunday in the best way. Got a lot of morning walking in before the heat kicked in. The new Spider-Man: Not bad, except for all the X-Men stuff. Happy that the young folk have a bunch of young movie stars they can root for. Felt a big long.

-b