Dear Readers,
It’s a new year, erected in the month of January, named after the Roman God of War, Janus. This two-faced god of destruction resides over doorways, gates, duality, and time.
Time controls our world. Time taketh and giveth, and there ain’t nothing we can do to stop this constant clock of death and rebirth. Destruction and renewal. While we cannot control when we are born or when we die. One thing we can do is change our own internal patterning.
January, for many in the western hemisphere, is a time to start over. A time for new beginnings. Weight loss plans and jobs and partners and friends we don’t hate. A time to get on psych meds or get off psych meds, see a therapist, go to a 12-step meeting, or take Ayahuasca in a tent and throw up our guts.
It seems, for many of us, including myself, our high hopes for New Year’s resolutions crash and burn before the spring rains come to wash away what remains of our January minds.
If it is any consolation, I came close to my own death more times than I care to count before finally resolving to walk away (for good) from my alcohol and sex addiction eight years ago to this day.
In January of 2018, I discovered that the reason why all the externally and internally imposed assaults on my body, mind, and character never got me to clean up my act was that I did not have a manual for living.
I had no manual for pain, for vulnerability, for how to mend or heal from the terror of my past that I had tried to cover up with romantic fantasy and drugs and alcohol for nearly twenty years of my life. Then the pain got so great that the two-faced God of time came and showed me the door I had been opening and closing for much of my life, was just an illusion. That there was something far more real than the patterns of the past that I was repeating over and over again in the labyrinth in my mind.
Now, eight years later, I awake today sad because I have lost someone I love and I have a job I hate, but I’m sober, and I’m grateful to wake up hangover-free. Free to live another day awake and aware of my choice to be of service to others and myself or continue to suffer and wallow in my own self-pity. I have love for the world and myself and I know that all the pain and uncertainty within me will pass. And because of this hard gained knowing, even the lord of time cannot break me.
How did I do it? Hopefully, some of you reading this would like to know my story because transmutation, divine intervention, and addiction recovery are the themes of this month’s crazy little publication.
As usual, I will be posting an excerpt from my book, I Can Only Give You Everything, and a few short essays on two of the things that have been instrumental in my recovery from C-PTSD and addiction. Those two things are writing and mysticism.
Here is a list of what is to come fresh in your inbox on Saturday morning:
01/10- “The Circle”- an excerpt from my auto-fiction punk rock/addiction recovery fever dream, I Can Only Give You Everything. “The Circle,” is based on my early days of sobriety and how I was able to recover some of my self-esteem, battered by years of addiction.
01/17-“An Apocalyptic Saint in Training”- A short prose piece about how a AA meeting, EMDR therapy and Denis Johnson’s addiction story collection, Jesus’ Son, led me to writing my now addiction fiction book, I Can Only Give You Everything.
***New Release date and topic***02/14- “ To Know G-D is To Know Thyself”- How I hit bottom in 12-step rooms, healed from C-PTSD, and sex and alcohol addiction. It’s a story full of synchronicities and a visit from beyond the veil.
Like what you have read? Wondering how to support my work? Well I got good news for you. You can become a paid subscriber for just $5 a month or make a one time donation here:
Wait, you say that the economy has really gone to shit? No worries you can support my work by hitting the cute little “heart” button, and sharing and restacking this story.
Thanks for reading and getting the word out there!
May the New Year bring you restitution, joy, and freedom from suffering.
Peace, Love, and Gnosis, your pal,
Border-Land Delia-Ann
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