Welcome to my Substack. I’m Borderland Delia-Ann and I have written a auto-fiction book titled, I Can Only Give You Everything, about sex addiction recovery, punk rock culture, and the spiritual initiation of an accidental mystic. The posts I share are excerpts from my book and/or essays on my gnostic and anarchistic perspective on addiction and trauma recovery.
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Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.
One of my first spiritual experiences in sobriety (read about that here) was the rediscovery of a unifying light that connected me to all living beings. As I continued to look within myself for the answers, that light developed into a deep need to “know” G-D. This process of mystical yearning led me to becoming a student of Kabbalah. Through the study of Gnostic Jewish teachings, I realized that the entry way to “knowing” G-D was through listening to myself and the people around me.
Kabbalists (Jewish Mystics) state that the way to G-D is through Binah (Understanding) and Chokmah (Wisdom), or seeing and listening. For you cannot acquire wisdom without making eye contact with another, and you cannot understand the other if you do not listen to them. By doing these two things, you gain Da’at or experiential knowledge.
The Sepher Bahir (Book of Illumination), a 1st-century Kabbalah text, claims that when G-D made the first human, it was unified with the opposing forces of Binah (Understanding) and Chokmah (Wisdom). It was both male and female, an androgynous double-sexed being. G-D split Eve from the “side” of Adam and made two opposing sexes (Kaplan 179-80). True knowledge is gained through the rejoining of these two opposing sides, within the self and within our relationships with each other.
For much of my life, I believed my circumstances and poor decisions were a result of bad luck. After I hit bottom in my sex and alcohol addiction, a light bulb turned on in my heart. I was taking the patterns of my trauma as truth. I was thinking that the people and the situations happening outside of me were responsible for my happiness and my misery. In doing that, I was making myself into a little god. I was thinking if I can fix them, then I can fix me.
It would be six years into sobriety, triggered by a fight caused by trying to control my sick father’s addiction, that I fully realized the truth about my existence on this earth. I only have two choices. It was really that simple. I could go with the flow of divine will or go against it with self-will. When I listen to myself and see the synchronicities around me, then I am going with divine flow. This is the great test of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which represents the gift of free will that G-D gave humans after G-D split the Adam into male and female, and made the dualistic world of form.
The snake who tempts Eve rules over the evil side of the tree. The moral of this story was never meant to condemn women to subservience or teach people to be “good” lest G-D’s wrath strike them down. The snake is G-D’s tough love, a feature in this reality meant to teach life forms how to evolve.
The snake in the Garden of Eden is an angel. His name is Samael, which translates to “Poison of God.” Samael is of G-D. This makes him holy and not a separate force from G-D. Evil, like good, is part of G-D’s divine plan.
Sometimes we need restriction and chaos to grow. Samael’s lesson in the Garden of Eden is a painful one. He represents the suffering caused when one gets wrapped up in the world of form and takes it for truth. This is what happens when Adam and Eve take his advice and eat the Apple against G-D’s will and act in their own self-will.
Every time I chased a romantic fantasy or took a drink instead of addressing what lay underneath my need to run from myself, Samael became my god. I nearly destroyed myself with his poison before I realized there was a purpose to the trauma that was at the root of my addictions. By spitting out his bitter fruit, I came out of the protective cocoon of my victim state and faced my fear of separation so I could share my solution with other survivors of sexual violence.
When Eve and Adam ate the apple, they saw they were naked. They mistook the material world for absolute truth. In doing this, they believed they were separate from Mother Earth and each other. G-D did not kick them out; they left Eden in their ignorance. G-D didn’t say they could not have Knowledge. G-D said, don’t eat the fruit, yet. Don’t eat it on the sixth day when I am still creating, wait till you are ready to receive it from me. They ate too soon and did not ride the great life force energy of the tree to self-awareness. Instead, they were naked and ashamed because they ate and ate when they were told not to. Kabbalists believe shame is caused by taking from someone who is not giving, and it is receiving when one has no desire to return what is given back.
When someone unconsciously has sex with someone either consensually or by force, they are taking without giving, and by doing this, they see themselves as separate from the other. The act of sexual assault causes a split in the victim, who no longer feels a part of their body when they inherit the shame of their abuser. This is what happened to me. Years later, I discovered that many of my abusers were also sexually abused. Because of their own unprocessed shame they repeated and reenacted their trauma onto me.
The Garden of Eden is nature and her infinite abundance, which we cut ourselves off from when we believe the lie that we are separate and worship Samael as if he is the absolute one true G-D. Samael’s poison can be seen played out in the seven deadly sins caused by taking the material world as truth.
What I learned when I became a student of Kabbalah was that my desire to write this essay or be in a holy, embodied state of ecstasy with my lover (without shame) was as simple (but not easy) as being present with myself and my partner.
This is how we transcend beyond shameful acts such as rape and murder, which are caused when one does not see the intrinsic connection we have to each other and all life. For who would hurt another living being if they knew that they shared the same Prima Materia?
The worst thing that can happen to a human is not death, for death, if seen as a teacher, can bring renewal through Samael’s poison. The worst thing one can experience is the shame of separation. Take it from a woman who knew and worshipped Samael for over two decades, and I can tell you death is nothing to fear. What is scary is believing that we don’t belong here, to each other, and to G-D.
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Peace, Love, and Gnosis, your pal,
Border Land Delia-Ann
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