The Bobington Back-to-School Placement Examination

Dearest friends on the internet,

Schools will soon reopen, which means children everywhere are preparing to return to classrooms while adults congratulate themselves on having completed their education.

This is premature.

Most adults continue making the same mistakes for decades without once requesting tutoring.

The woman, for example, has spent years opening a cabinet, discovering something precariously balanced inside, and saying, “I really need to do something about this.”

She then closes the cabinet.

This is not problem-solving. This is postponement with a door.

I therefore established the Bobington Academy for Continuing Household Education and announced mandatory placement examinations for everyone residing under my supervision.

The woman objected. “I have a college degree,” she said.

“So do many people who cannot locate their glasses while wearing them.”

She had no response. Enrollment proceeded.

I administered the examinations from Heaven through HaloNet. Miss Frankie served as the on-site proctor because she possesses the necessary qualities: intelligence, vigilance, and a willingness to assume that everyone is cheating.

She took her position on top of the test papers.

This created an administrative delay.

Our first candidate was Cooper.

SECTION ONE: LISTENING COMPREHENSION

I immediately waived this portion because Cooper is deaf.

He was awarded full credit on the grounds that he cannot hear instructions and would not follow them even if he could.

SECTION TWO: CRITICAL THINKING

Question: You discover a suspicious object beneath a shrub. What should you do?

A. Alert the woman.
B. Observe from a safe distance.
C. Continue the walk.
D. Insert your entire head into the shrub.

Cooper selected D before I finished reading the question.

He then attempted to choose D again.

SECTION THREE: NATURAL SCIENCE

Question: What have you learned about bees?

Cooper looked toward the window.

“Cooper?”

His tail began moving.

“Have you learned anything about bees?”

Cooper requested that the question be repeated.

I reminded him that he could not hear the first version.

He considered this a strong defense.

Cooper’s academic record shows exceptional performance in Applied Scent Analysis, Community Outreach, and Advanced Snack Detection. He requires remedial instruction in Cause and Effect.

He was promoted anyway because this appears to be common practice.

Daisy was next.

She arrived wrapped in a blanket and requested reasonable accommodations.

“What accommodations do you require?” I asked.

“A warmer room, a softer chair, an earlier lunch, and exemption from anything unpleasant.”

“That is not an accommodation. That is a hostile takeover.”

Daisy stared at me over the blanket.

The warmer room was approved.

SECTION ONE: MATHEMATICS

Question: If Daisy has eaten breakfast and lunch is two hours away, how many meals has Daisy missed?

Daisy answered, “Three.”

“Please show your work.”

“I am hungry.”

No further documentation was provided.

SECTION TWO: CIVICS

Question: Who is responsible for maintaining order in the household?

“The woman.”

“Who determines what order means?”

“Me.”

Correct.

SECTION THREE: ETHICS

Question: The woman has lost all feeling in the leg on which you are sleeping. Are you morally obligated to move?

Daisy looked appalled.

She reported the question to the administration.

Daisy tested at the postgraduate level in Personal Comfort, Blanket Acquisition, and Domestic Authority. She received an incomplete in Empathy for Human Circulation.

Her legal department has appealed.

Miss Frankie was scheduled to take the third examination.

She declined.

“You are required to participate,” I said.

Frankie looked at the papers beneath her.

“You are sitting on the examination.”

She closed her eyes.

“Frankie, you cannot simply refuse an assessment.”

She opened one eye.

I remembered that Miss Frankie is my feline intellectual equal and adjusted my tone.

“Would you care to evaluate the examination for academic rigor?”

She stood, turned in a circle, and sat on a different page.

Her written assessment consisted of one paw print and several hairs.

I awarded her an honorary doctorate in Strategic Noncompliance.

This brought us to the woman.

She arrived carrying coffee, her telephone, two notebooks, and a list of things she intended to do immediately after completing the examination.

“You may put those away,” I said.

“I might need them.”

“This is a closed-book test.”

“What if I think of something?”

“You may experience the thought without creating a project.”

The woman regarded this as an unreasonable restriction.

SECTION ONE: TIME MANAGEMENT

Question: You have one free hour. Which activity should you choose?

A. Rest.
B. Read for pleasure.
C. Sit outside with the vile beasts.
D. Begin reorganizing a closet that will take three days.

The woman studied the choices.

“Is the closet bad?”

“The condition of the closet is not relevant.”

“Which closet?”

“Also not relevant.”

“Because the hall closet really does need…”

“Your answer has been recorded.”

SECTION TWO: BASIC LIFE SKILLS

Question: An object has remained unused for fourteen years. What should you do with it?

A. Donate it.
B. Discard it.
C. Give it to someone who needs it.
D. Keep it because you may someday become the kind of person who uses it.

The woman circled D.

Then she crossed it out.

Then she circled A.

Then she wrote, “Unless it is sentimental,” in the margin.

I accepted the answer because progress occasionally arrives carrying conditions.

SECTION THREE: PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Question: At what point are you permitted to enjoy your life?

The woman paused.

This was the first question she did not attempt to negotiate.

Finally, she wrote, “Now, I suppose.”

I reviewed her answer.

“Are you certain?”

“No,” she said. “But I think that may still be the right answer.”

Correct.

The final section contained one essay question:

Describe something important you are still learning.

Cooper attempted to eat the pencil.

Daisy had gone back to sleep.

Frankie had left the room without submitting any evidence that she had ever been there.

The woman sat quietly for a while.

Then she wrote:

“I am learning that a life does not have to be finished before it can be enjoyed. The house can still need work. I can still have unanswered questions. I can be uncertain about what comes next and grateful for what is here.”

I read her answer twice.

Then I checked the official scoring guide.

The scoring guide had nothing to say about this.

Official documents frequently become useless at important moments.

I looked down from Heaven at Cooper, who has never postponed joy until he understands the situation. At Daisy, who has never believed comfort must be earned. At Frankie, who has never required anyone’s permission to occupy the best available space.

The vile beasts had understood the lesson all along.

Not elegantly.

Not cooperatively.

But thoroughly.

The woman passed her placement examination.

She will remain enrolled in Continuing Education because she still carries too many things in one trip and occasionally creates spreadsheets for activities that could be accomplished without a spreadsheet.

However, her academic outlook is promising.

The Bobington Academy will reopen whenever additional instruction becomes necessary.

Based upon current household records, this will be Tuesday.

Until then, remember that nobody graduates from becoming who they are.

There is always something new to understand, something old to reconsider, and sometimes, if one is fortunate, a better answer than the one written last year.

Very truly yours,

Bob
Angel Cat
Heavenly Supervisor of Bobington
Founder and Headmaster, Bobington Academy
Chairman of the Committee That Reviews Its Own Decisions