Cheap Movie Tuesday: One Night Only (2026)

Okay, so this was going to be a review of Ice Cream Man, Eli Roth’s new horror movie, but it can’t be. That would be irresponsible. Not when One Night Only is currently in theatres. That would be like someone in 1977 declining to review Eraserhead in favor of the latest ‘Carry On’ movie.

Critics are currently dragging Ice Cream Man up and down the internet.

The movie is loathed. Hated in all nations.

But, honestly, it isn’t that bad.

It’s not great, but it’s a solid 5 out of 10, maybe even a 6. It would be worth watching on a plane or while you’re waiting for sleeping pills to kick in.

One Night Only, on the other hand, is a film that should have an advisory sticker on the poster, maybe even on the door leading into the theatre. That advisory should read, ‘Do not attempt to watch this film if you suffer from depression, anxiety, insomnia or if you believe in love.’

Is One Night Only a terrible film?

I don’t know.

I am leaning towards yes. I’m leaning towards declaring One Night Only the worst film of the year, of the decade probably and yet, part of me wonders if it’s actually brilliant.

The Plot: It’s been three years since Congress made pre-marital sex illegal. To enforce this law, everyone residing in America receives a biometric implant that glows red if you’re single and green if you’re married.

But on one night of the year, all implants turn green for twelve hours and all coitus is permitted.

Amazingly, this is the set-up for a very ordinary romcom.

Did I say very ordinary? I meant gratuitously ordinary.

If you edited out this movie’s dystopic world, and you very easily could, the plot description would be: After a night of missed connections and misunderstandings, Monica Barbaro and Callum Turner realize they’re perfect for each other. He owns a pizza place. She has a job singing funny commercial jingles like one where Vanessa Carlton's ‘A Thousand Miles’ has the lyrics changed to promote feminine hygiene products.

Oh this movie is weird! Watching it made me feel dirty!

Hovering over every scene from beginning to end is the feeling that someone just off camera is trying to scream ‘How can you all be so comfortable in this oppressive society?”

And yet, everyone is.

Can you imagine an episode of the Handmaid’s Tale, from the perspective of a gorgeous couple who fall in love and are annoyed by, but otherwise immune to the hostile theocracy surrounding them?

Maybe that would be a good episode, actually.

If screenwriter, Travis Braun and director, Will Gluck are trying to say, ‘many people who insist they’re liberal are actually doing everything they can to have rigidly conservative lives’, well, they might have a point.

But this movie is the cruelest way imaginable to make that point.

Not much is crueler than watching two beautiful people have a happily-ever-after while the world crumbles around them.

It wouldn’t surprise me if Braun and Gluck received an open letter from Todd Solondz telling them both to be less cynical.

13 years ago, at roughly the same time of year, James DeMonaco’s The Purge was released.

The Purge is a dystopia about an oppressive society that has a holiday where all crimes, even murder, can be committed with impunity.

The movie was an enormous hit, spawning multiple sequels, TV series and imitations1 that are coming out to this day.

Oddly, The Purge didn’t seem to make anyone angry.

Maybe because people felt it was too far fetched to be possible?

Maybe because our society believes violence is inevitable but sex can be contained?

Maybe because people who enjoy romcoms mostly didn’t watch The Purge?

Maybe I’m putting too much thought into this?

But unlike The Purge, One Night Only, is making people mad. I’m not sure why.

Maybe an America where pre-marital sex is outlawed doesn’t feel so impossible2.

Apparently Eli Roth used AI to make a brief animated segment in Ice Cream Man, maybe I should be angry about that.

But I suspect Ice Cream Man won’t be remembered long, and if it is, it will only be for the gruesome onscreen death Eli Roth experiences. I’m pretty sure there’s no AI in that scene, the effects looked very practical.

But Monica Barbaro’s bashful stare and Callum Turner’s pearly-white smile juxtaposed with everyone shrugging and accepting draconian laws will haunt my dreams for a very long time.

The scene where Levar Burton and Molly Ringwald get caught in the bubble wrap makes it all a little easier to take, but not much.

The Tea: Spearmint tea reportedly reduces libido, which will help you make it through the next 364½ days.

The Snack: At a pivotal scene in One Night Only, Monica Barbaro says pizza is better than sex, so grab a slice and chew along. It doesn’t matter if you disagree, this film takes place in a post-disagreement society.