How do you know if you are in ketosis?
How do you know if you are in menopause?
Those are the two most commonly Googled questions that begin with, “How do you know if you are in…..”
The third most popular is, How do you know if you’re in love?
I was surprised that it placed so low, because wanting to know the unknowable is human nature.
So is wanting to be in love.
I realize many people disagree, the fifth most popular HDYKIYAI question is, How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?
To be fair, that question is probably a lot easier to answer.
To learn which tea goes best with Fingernails, scroll to end. To receive a medical exemption from the fingernail test, subscribe.
And who could blame anyone for involuntary eye rolls when they hear “How do you know if you’re in love”, the question is rarely asked by people who want an answer. It’s usually asked by actors at the beginning of yogurt commercials.
But imagine for a moment that the question actually could be answered objectively.
Scientifically.
This is the premise of Fingernails, Christos Nikou’s brilliant romcom sci-fi satire about a world where courting couples learn whether they are in love, not through intangible epiphanies, but by waiting for the lab results to come back.
The Plot: In the not-too-distant future, Anna (Jessie Buckley) is a lab technician at a “love clinic” where a quick test can scientifically prove whether or not two people are meant to be together
Alas, this cannot be done through anything as simple as bloodwork.
To biologically determine if two people are in love, a fingernail must be torn from each person’s hand and baked in an oven for five minutes.
Afterwards there are three possible results,
“You are in love”
“You are not in love”
or
“One of you is in love, but the other is not.”
Anna is relieved because she and her boyfriend Ryan (Jeremy Allen White) have both tested positive for loving each other, which means they can now begin contemplating marriage, and yet Anna has doubts.
Everyone around her accepts this technology, even though anyone taking a moment to observe would notice a society made up of people devastated to hear they don’t actually love their partners and confused people genuinely surprised to learn that they do.
Anna’s doubts intensify when new lab technician Amir (Riz Ahmed) awakens strange feelings in her and she soon finds herself pondering two specific questions
Can someone be in love with more than one person at a time?
Can someone fall out of love?
“That is a biological impossibility!” insists Duncan (Luke Wilson), who manages and owns the love clinic. And he’s convincing.
Every time he is on screen, he seems to be holding back tears, emotionally exhausted from years of telling people the hard truth and ripping out their fingernails.
But Anna’s feelings for Amir only intensify. And soon the questions are keeping her up at night. Does she still love Ryan? Does she love Amir? Does Amir love her?
It’s only possible to know for certain if she can somehow steal a fingernail from each man without them noticing.
If only there was a simpler way.
A friend of mine who recently returned from Las Vegas told me that the most fascinating thing about Sin City was what it revealed about people.
Mainly what they were eager to spend money on.
A love oven, like the one central to the plot of Fingernails, would probably make money if sold in real life.
Modestly if sold as a novelty.
Handsomely if sold as science.
The Tea: If you need to speed up the growth of a few thumbnails, nettle tea and horsetail tea are your best options.
The Snack: Chocolate produces levels of dopamine similar to the giddy feelings of love and rarely involves dystopian torture.
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