Green Porno

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Do animals mate on instinct or because of love?

Can a squid feel love?

Are bees monogamous?

I’d like to believe that the world is ruled by love, the old fashioned kind. That if you dug to the core of the earth with bloody fingernails you would find it there; blinding. Warm white glow enveloping you. It turns out the world is ruled by “science”, whatever that means. It tries to poke holes in my love theory, nags at me like a tick. The birds and the bees and our neighbors all fuck on animal instinct despite what you may hear in an Al Green song. Endorphins released during sex lessen any sensations of pain we might feel while banging pelvises together in the hopes we will jog to the finish line and populate the earth (or so a biology teacher once told me). But science can’t fool me, there is an undercurrent of love running through everything. A bowerbird might not know he is engaging in an act of love when he flies around, stealing blue objects to construct a cobalt nest for his prospective mate. But he is, there is no two ways about it.

Green Porno (2008), brings out all the wacky absurdity of animal sexuality. And if you have eyes to see, it makes you think of love, stretching all the way down to the depths of the ocean or on the delicate silk of a spiderweb. Directed, produced, written by and starring Isabella Rossellini; Green Porno is a series of short films explaining and reenacting sexual behavior in animals. It was released as a series on The Sundance Channel. Season one focused on insect mating rituals while season two showed us how sea creatures shag. Adoring her performance in Blue Velvet by David Lynch, I practically salivated at the idea of seeing her in such a humorous, lighthearted project.

The series is marked by a charming children’s theater production style; large 2D cardboard cutouts, costumes, papier-mâché and shiny fabric with flat, minimal backgrounds. In a lovely “show and tell” voice Isabella Rossellini explains to us how worms, bees and spiders do it. And she does it all in full costume within a 2-4 minute time frame, save for the season two finale about elephant seals that comes in at a whopping 8 minute runtime.

Isabella fully commits, wearing green face paint as a mantis or rolling around in slime as a giant snail. Silliness aside, it does teach you a lot. I found myself not only fully engaged and giggling but also learning a ton of new things. The lack of digital effects makes the series all the more charming. At times Isabella will grab a string attached to her costume to engage some type of pulley device. The entire thing gives an air of Peewee’s Playhouse flavored nostalgia. PBS kids for adults. But the sex talk is not gratuitous or accessorized by vulgarity. It’s very educational and matter of fact. Without too many bells and whistles to distract, the straightforward filming style moved me to reflect on the beauty and absurdity of my own relationships, my mating rituals. It’s a must see for anyone as obsessively interested in sexual behavior as I am.

Here is a list of my five favorite shorts in the series:

-Snail (Season 1, Episode 4)

She stands, hair pulled back by an elastic headband, sporting a flesh toned unitard complete with a bush and nipples on the fabric.

“If I were a snail…I would have one big slimy foot.”

Each episode begins the same “if I were a blank, I would blank”, the repetition is comforting and grounding.

She lays in a puddle of slime, while explaining how a snail can withdraw its entire body into its shell. Where it can hide its vagina and penis (making sure to excitedly note that a snail has both).

The best part of the minute and thirty second short is when we see Isabella, in her spiraled shell, laying opposite another fake snail. She explains how she (as a snail) can produce darts to inflict pain on her partners before mating. “It turns me on”

The episode closes with an acted out scene of the slippery creature’s mating ritual. “Sadomasochism excites me”.

It’s very whimsical tonally, funny to imagine something as small as a snail taking enthusiastic delight in its mating instincts. Visions played in my head of tiny snails in S&M garb, purposeful connoisseurs of pain. I’d like to imagine even the smallest creatures have their own sexual tastes and appetites.

-Earthworm (Season 1, Episode 5)

“If I were an earthworm..I would have a long body like a tube. It would be formed by many segments”

The camera sensually pans over the long expanse of Worm-Isabella’s body. It’s incredibly funny how at times during Green Porno, the camera work seems to intentionally mimic that of an early 90s cable access porno.

The pink tone is closer to an artificial pastel than the organic shade of an earthworm, the kind of costume you’d see in a school play.

When we reach the other end of the creature’s tubular body, they have cut a hole in the costume to craft an anus. Complete with brown paint and a lighter brown liquid oozing out. The physical mechanics of the costumes is another addition that I adored. As Isabella tells us how earthworms urinate and breathe from each segment of their body, we see punctures on each segment of her costume appear, puffs of air and squirts of liquid shooting out of them.

Like most of the shorts, this episode ends with a display of the earthworm’s mating ritual. While she smugly tells us how an earthworm is both male and female, and needs to mate with another of the same kind, in the “69” position. As I watched the two fabric worms writhe in an act of mutual penetration, I was very taken with the concept of double impregnation. Both earthworms simultaneously perform the same acts on each other and both have babies. A shared equal experience. You are inside of me as I am inside of you, it’s deeply romantic.

-Whale (Season 2, Episode 2)

Season 2 of Green Porno takes an aesthetic shift that I particularly enjoyed–everything is blue. Each short opens with a calming clip of bubbling cerulean water, the title card over top of it.

With no preamble Isabella begins explaining how a penis has disadvantages in water, she says this as she swims amidst waves made of paper and cardboard. She dives beneath the fake ocean, dancing in blue light to mimic swimming. It is then that we see her pink fabric penis, about a foot in length.

With a papier-mâché shark, it is illustrated how a dangling genital would be an easy target for hungry neighbors. Then, a hilarious costume change; she is now in a padded suit to emulate a whale’s large body, fit with an even larger and thicker fabric penis. I stared at it laughing, as on screen, I was told a whale can have an erection that is six feet long.

The backdrop is extremely detailed and fun to gaze at. She is surrounded by many other 2D male whales with equally large fabric penises. They have barnacles, skin texture and even their long skinny rows of teeth are included.

The whale, frustrated, laments that the female is upside down and her vagina is inaccessible. We are graced with a close up of the fine lady’s cardboard genitalia. The credits roll as finally, our male inserts his entire length into his mate.

The production value, particularly in the finer details, seemed to be far higher than season 1. I notice more intention with lighting choices, layering colored lights to create water effects. The cardboard and fabric props seemed to possess greater detail; more paint strokes, more manipulations of craft materials to create dimension and distinct features. Not as much effort was put into setting up insect habitats, I did not see much fake dirt or foliage. But in this season I noticed a lush Atlantic background.

Though the episode was very penis centered, I found myself imaging how big a whale’s heart must be.

-Anchovy (Season 2, Episode 7)

At the tail end of the aquatic season, the introduction and set design changes again. This time a little more dynamic. Now, each creature is introduced by Isabella dressed as herself, usually in a color matching the deep sea dweller she speaks about. She stands in a clean kitchen, and begins each episode by cooking paper versions of the animals. Halfway through her sauté she becomes horrified. We then fade into the usual style of the films. Her in costume, describing her life underwater.

“Anchovy” opens with her holding a 2D pizza, assorted paper toppings decorating it like jewels. We zoom in on small paper fish, silver and shining atop the faux meal.

“If I were an anchovy, I would live in a group; a school of anchovies”

Her costuming in this episode felt very avant-garde to me. Several glimmering paper anchovies hung from the ceiling on strings. She stood among them, her head making up the entire costume, fin at the back of her skull and large fish eye goggles covering her eyes.

Keeping in line as to not end up at the back of the school of fish, she whispers that anchovies do everything together. Even mating, in orgies. A whirlpool is created in the shots of blue water as she explains that anchovies release both sperm and eggs as they swim, which mix together and spawn the babies. The paper fish releasing sperm is reenacted using silly string, which is used to give one of the origami creatures a cum shot.

In season 1 the episode would’ve ended here, but it seems Isabella is particularly passionate about the preservation of ocean life. Because instead, a segment is added on called “Ask? Ask? Ask biologist Claudio Campagna”. Claudio is a real man who stands on real beaches discussing the harm and downside of overfishing and overeating fish products. He explains how eating anchovies isn’t bad, but these fisheries throw nets over entire schools. Leaving very little for other animals who require anchovies as part of their natural diets.

-Squid (Season 2, Episode 9)

Donned in squid-flesh white clothes, we watch Isabella toss paper calamari in a silver paper pan. We cut, she is now cozied up inside of a delightful squid costume. Iridescent shimmering fabric to mimic its’ bioluminescence. This is one of my favorite costumes of the entire series, there is a chic quality to it. We learn squid can use this bioluminescence to communicate. They can say “I love you” with all three of their hearts. This line makes me feel vindicated, satisfied. I knew that love was everywhere, in everything. Even the cold depths of the sea. It’s encoded in the DNA structures of every living thing. Why else would a squid have three hearts?

We again are visited by the biologist who warns that we are taking more from the ocean than it has to offer us. Maybe exercising restraint is an act of love too.

It is possible that someone else can parse through these 2 or 4 minute offerings, the paper ephemera and costumes, and come out the other end confirming their belief in the automation of mother nature. Anchovies and whales and worms all mate because they are supposed to. There is a biological alarm propelling them towards procreation to maintain their species. They are not motivated by thoughts nor feelings, they simply do. But if you look closely, at the iridescent sheen of the squid, the way it pleases the eye. The way the snail yearns to give and receive pain, and has a mate with built in taste to match. The penguin who mates for life, the bowerbird fervently collecting glimmering blue scraps to please his lover; you will understand that at the center of the world there is a beating heart.

You can watch Green Porno streaming on HBO, or on Isabella Rossellini’s Youtube channel for free.