never good enough
wish i was good enough
blu’s blog
hi ! i’m a really sad college student. this is where i can scream into the void <3...
Latest posts
hung up
the moment i feel your whisper in my ear i put my headphones on turn up my music loud just enough for my ears to bleed. i wake up with an ache your voice right beside me i stare at my headphones on my nightstand and don't even bother. i carry you on my back only sometimes i toss and turn in my bed i can't drown you out. you're there in my dreams i'm supposed to be the one haunting you not the…
fatass loves to snack
i'm like the biggest hypocrite it's almost laughable. my mom texted me earlier. she's with my dad and they're in the city and she offers to drop off some fast food. and i tell her, no thanks i'm trying to eat better. wishful thinking is funny. an hour after i sent that message i decided to eat ice cream, cookies, and cheez its. all in one sitting. what a fucking joke. i guess that's it for today.…
it's over
my therapist got sick so i wasn't able to have therapy today. bummer. i had a terrible week. i don't think it's just me. i feel like all of my friends are feeling it too. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't like the feeling of giving up, but i don't see the point in trying. imposter syndrome is my next akin. is this what i have to do? lose myself first before i understand who i am. that's…
still neurotic
im supposed to be better but im not. im stuck. not terribly in the pit. but i dont feel well. i dont feel great. not anymore. maybe im predestined to be depressed. i wish i could stop thinking about it. im supposed to be the one haunting you. not the other way around. sometimes, i wonder. do you still think about me? it feels so wrong. when will i stop feeling this way.
i don't like myself at the moment
for the longest time, i wanted my journal entries to be poetic, but they just end up being whiny. but that's okay. i'm gonna stop trying so hard and just be myself. anyway, this week has been a little difficult, if i'm being honest. i'm struggling a bit with being compassionate towards myself. it's been hard for me to stop ruminating about my past mistakes. i know what i did was wrong and i'm…
one month on prozac
i started taking prozac a month ago and it genuinely saved me. this is the best thing i've ever done. i'm so serious. 95% of the time i don't want to kill myself anymore. i don't go insane over tiny inconveniences. i'm not a bitch anymore. of course, it doesn't magically fix everything. i'm still trying to better myself. not necessarily "fixing" myself, rather just... adjusting? idk. i'm trying to…
a little tipsy
the title is kinda lie, but not really. i had a few drinks (like, 5 shots of wine? and 3 shots of soju + lychee drink. so yummy.) i think im slowly starting to sober up. i ate some mac n cheese, portillos hot dog, and 2 oreos. i hadn't eaten dinner. it was really good. hopefully i can sleep well. i have to attend a birthday event tomorrow. the alcohol is making me tired.
same shit. same person
trust the process, they say. im trying. but it's testing my patience, and i've only just begun. i don't want to be bothered. don't fucking look or perceive me. this isn't the body i want. this isn't how i want to look. just give me time, please. will i ever stop feeling this way? i hate making friends. i hate talking to them. the closer i get, the worse i become. once you realize the ugly truth,…
i don't want to do this anymore
im so scared of my 20s. im 19 and im so miserable with myself. i know i need to change but its so fucking hard. lord knows ive tried. im still trying but i dont see the point of any of this. change takes time but why do i hate the process. no matter what i do i end up hating it. im tired of it all. i want the thoughts to stop. im wasting and rotting away for what. i should be living my best life…