A warm embrace

Surely what we yearn for must exist beyond the deafening silence that greets us at the pearly gates of motherhood?

I’ve stepped through that gate twice.
Once in 2022.
Once in 2023.

Both times I found myself stitched up laying in a hospital bed.
It was usually around 2am.
I had been pushing for hours before them, I’d lost a sense of time as my children crowned, greeting me with a cry that sent shivers down my spine.

I’m a mother now.
Tears rushed like rivers down my cheeks.
Love had surpassed all sense of understanding and reality.

And soon, everyone left the room.
The nurses, doctors, midwives, my husband.
One by one, they smiled, embraced me and quietly left.

What was left was my baby and I in a dark room.
It was 2am.
I wasn’t sure what would happen next.

Should I check on them?
Should I got to sleep?

I hear a slight whimper, that soon turns to cries.
My son and daughter cried for me to hold them.

The stitches were still fresh, so I pushed the help button.
I hear the footsteps of a nurse, as she slowly walks in and hands me my baby.

The first time I said……”I don’t know how to breastfeed”
She smiled and whispered, “It’s alright, let me help you”

I was a beginner in every sense of the word.
And so is every woman that becomes a mother.

We are beginners seeking solace in the guidance of those that have taken these steps before us and yet,

it feels so cold and lonely.

I wanted my ancestors to gather around me, singing songs of joy.
I wanted a warm cup of tea and the sweet embrace of my love ones.
I wanted to smell the scents of my mother and her mother and her mother.

And yet, here I was in a dark room, laying in a hospital bed, asking a nurse to help me feed my baby for the first time.

It was a symbolic moment that I hadn’t yet reflected on until now.

Our journey wasn’t meant to be experienced alone in a dark room. We need our community, we need one another.

Reflection prompts:

What was the beginning of your journey into motherhood?
What did you yearn for in that very moment?

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