Dark Lens | The Case for Fast Zombies

I’m here to speak to you about human rights.

Specifically, the right to be treated equally. A right so inalienable, so vital, that it should not end simply because life does.

Too long have slow zombies been considered the only true zombies. As much as I love—and sometimes prefer—a slow zombie, who decided that moving slow was a requirement to be considered a zombie? Was there a vote that I didn’t know about? A meeting? I didn’t see it anywhere on the agenda. I received no ballet.

Because let’s face it: there is no governing zombie body. And if there is, it’s missing an eye, and one arm is hanging on by a single tendon, and that’s just not an authority I can get behind. Or more to the point, in front of.

As far as I can tell, over by the couch I’m hiding behind, the only prerequisite to being a zombie is to crave human flesh, usually due to receiving an infection of some kind. That’s it. Beginning and end of diagnosis. Where speed comes into the equation, enough to change the very definition, I simply don’t know. After all, whether a car can travel thirty or two hundred miles per hour doesn’t change it from being called a car.

A rose by any other name, as the saying goes, would tear your throat out just as sweet.

Invariably, when the subject of fast zombies comes up, some hobnobbing snob will make the case that they should be classified as “Infected” rather than zombies. They’ll do this even when said infection technically kills its victim—body or brain—before bringing them back as rage-filled long-pig connoisseurs. Well, fine. If it makes them feel like a scientist, they can go ahead. I’ll call them what they are: a problem. A problem with teeth.

The truth is, people don’t hate fast zombies because they’re unrealistic. They hate them because they’re scared. Because it ruins the comforting lie they tell themselves: that they’d make it past day three. That if they can just stay ahead of the pack, keep up with the Joneses, so to speak, everything will be okay. But everything will not be okay, and you and I, we can’t run from the truth any longer. And the truth, it’s coming at you like you owe it money. And I’m pretty sure one of the Joneses just got bit.

Fast zombies, they’re just a different kind of existential threat. Where slow zombies are inevitable, fast zombies are already here. Where slow zombies allow you to reflect on your mistakes, fast zombies don’t allow you to make any.

In conclusion, fast zombies are zombies. And if you disagree, don’t worry; they’ll be along shortly to change your mind. Or, more specifically, eat it. You can continue the discussion of what to call them as they’re chewing on your frontal lobe. It sounds like that thing needs a break anyway. But until then, if you’re still with me, and you’ve decided to join my cause, here are my suggestions for acquainting yourself with some of the entertainment fast zombies have to offer.

Return of the Living Dead (1985)

This over-the-top horror comedy serves as both a parody of a zombie movie, and a great one in its own right. Pretty much the pinnacle of campy horror movies, it’s hard to imagine this being screened any other time of the day than midnight. And if none of this rings a bell, then you probably know it as the movie featuring Tarman, one of the most recognizable practical effects character designs of all time.

Although fast zombielike threats appeared in earlier movies like Nightmare City (1980), Return of the Living Dead really gets credit for introducing fast zombies into mainstream horror.

28 Days Later (2002)

While it made for a confusing sequel to the 2000 Sandra Bullock dramedy, 28 Days Later did nothing short of reintroducing zombies into the mainstream. With a few notable exceptions (Brain Dead/Dead Alive, Return of the Living Dead 3) the zombie genre had taken a long dirt nap through most of the nineties. That was, until Alex Garland and Danny Boyle strolled onto the scene with their gritty little movie, made all the grittier by being shot on early digital cameras.

Here was an infection that took mere seconds to transform its victims into sprinting ghouls. This meant that the slightest mistake while being chased, a single stumble, spelled certain death. The recent entries in the series may have revived the series in the public eye, but make no mistake: 28 Days Later was a revolution when it came out.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

In an incredibly ballsy move, Zack Snyder remade a slow zombie classic (and my personal favorite of the Romero movies) into a fast zombie feast. Using the original’s surviving-in-a-mall template, Snyder upped the ante by handing the undead shoppers a Monster energy drink.

This isn’t a deep movie, but it is a fun one. And though the middle sags a bit, it has one of the most memorable opening ten minutes of any zombie movie (beaten, of course, by the greatest horror opening of all time, the first scene in 28 Weeks Later.)

[REC] (2007)

You might know it from its American remake, Quarantine. The remake does a decent enough job of reproducing [REC], making it both an effective horror movie and an ultimately pointless gesture. [REC] is where the real juice is, telling the story of a group of people quarantined inside an apartment building beset by a mysterious outbreak.

This Spanish flick manages to combine two maligned subgenres—fast zombies and found footage—to create one hell of a ride. It’s fun, it’s scary, and it never lets up.

Left 4 Dead (2008)

As a lifelong gamer, I believe that if I were to rank games according to the number of hours I’d spent playing specific titles, Left 4 Dead 1 & 2 would come out on top. Its simple premise, a group of four survivors tasked with reaching safety during the zombie apocalypse, has brought me back time and time again.

With each campaign treated as a movie, and a game engine that ensured no two run-throughs were the same—especially thanks to special infected threats like Tanks and Witches, this game has legs. Legs that run. It’s just a shame we haven’t gotten a third one yet.

Train to Busan (2016)

There are two types of horror fans: those who love Train to Busan, and those who haven’t watched it yet. This South Korean gem just gets everything right: great action, memorable characters, a novel setting, and above all, a beating heart at its core, one we as the audience can only watch and hope doesn’t get ripped out and eaten.

One of the great things about the zombie genre is how, just when you think its gone stale, someone comes along and makes a totally fresh game-changer of a film that injects new life into the genre. In 2016, that movie was Train to Busan.

Bleeders

I’d be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to do what the internet was invented for: talking about myself. Bleeders is a book series about a loveable smartass trying to escape a New York City beset by a full-on zombie outbreak. The zombies are fast, and so are the books, and you just might laugh along the way. The third and final entry comes out in ebook and paperback May 4th, 2026.

Godspeed. Gotta run.