Fleeing The Coop

Hello Dear Readers, Blair Bears, etc.,

It is nice to be with you today. It is 1000 degrees in LA. I have many things to speak to you about. I finished the tour last weekend. Somehow. I don’t know how I did it. I guess RJ helped me through. If you attended and are reading this, I want to express my sincere gratitude. It meant so much to me that people came out to my shows during the most difficult period of my life. I love you all and I am so grateful that you allow me to live my dreams.

And special shout out to all the people who showed up in Dallas! The ticket sales were extremely grim even a few days before and then the shows turned out amazing and people bought all these tickets last minute. I was so relieved and grateful. Not even a 6 hour travel delay and landing an hour before my show could dim my happiness about all the people who showed up. Thank you, people of Dallas, even though your town is a bit too warm. Did you know that people on SSRI’s supposedly have heat intolerance? I did not know this and am relieved to find out. I’ve always tolerated extreme heat very well so I am glad to know I am not riddled with some mystery illness. I am balding from grief trauma though so I did start Nutrafol which I’ve been assured by several friends works quite auspiciously. Again, if any suitors are reading this, please excuse yourselves, this newsletter is not for you and never was and never will be. And if you are Nutrafol and reading this, please sponsor me, your shit is expensive.

I’ve been sick since I got back from Dallas. I don’t know what I have. It’s like this bone tiredness where I’ve been barely able to stand up for 4 days. But, I need to get better in the next 3 days because I go to Croatia on Tuesday. I am hoping that the salt water and fresh air and fresh whole foods will heal my body and soul. I am calling Croatia my grief sabbatical because it arose in such a mystical way. I’m traveling to go stay with one of RJ’s dear friends from college who so graciously invited me. The psychic lady I’ve been referencing in these posts (will def be a chapter in my forthcoming book) called out of the blue yesterday to make sure I “invite” RJ along on the trip with us. He would be so happy to know I am going on a pilgrimage with Tanja. Medium Kayleen says he’s well aware, but I don’t know. He hasn’t TOLD me he’s well aware.

RJ loved Tanja so much. I am hoping he sends me some messages and signs while I’m there. I’ve been feeling really helpless wanting to connect with him and feeling like I can’t. I know I want it too badly. All our friends tell me that RJ has come to them in a dream and told them he is okay and well. BUT HE HASN’T COME TO ME IN A DREAM. I hope this trip will help regenerate something in me because a part of me really did die when RJ died. A big part of me.

I can’t imagine how my parents feel after giving birth to him and raising him. Sweet, perfect man.

Miscellaneous Things I Need To Tell You:

-I am DONE with bougie, fancy ass coffee shops. I never go in them unless I’m with a friend who shepherds us there and each time, like a dummy, I show up open hearted and open minded. I know I don’t belong in these spaces, I am the proletariat when it comes to coffee. But, I oblige these people because it’s extremely important to them that they get this “top tier” coffee and every single time, I have this bizarre face off with the most condescending villainous employees you could ever conceive of. I could get over the 17 dollar price if it was not delivered with such venomous hatred. Like, sorry am I unknowingly trespassing at your small business or something? Also, all I want is a pedestrian ass jumbo 24-ounce venti iced coffee. I order a large and these demons have the gall to sadistically and wordlessly nod yes with a sneer, and then a minute later, produce a blatant miniature 10-ounce drink. Without ice, probably only 1.5 ounces!!!!

Oh, does this unjust delivery of product double the price for half the amount bring you some wicked joy, GRAHAM??

Not to mention that when I asked for almond milk (a current day universally accepted standard milk), this malignant spirit looked at me as if I just asked for a ride to the moon and replied “we have macadamia milk or whole milk” as if it was the most obvious fact in the world — umm okay, I didn’t know we were in goddamn Middle-earth Mordor???? Those are repugnant milk options. The arrogance. Despicable.

Conversely, when I enter my local Starbucks (bad, corporate, commercial), Chris and Michael yell across the store, no matter how busy, “Hello, Blair! Great to see you! We’ve missed you!” as if I just returned home from war. As if I am anointed. The most welcoming welcomes of all time. I am amongst family. They write cute friendly notes on my blessed basic gargantuan drink. It is a joy to see them. They have every ingredient and zero judgment and endless kindness. I am home. I can exhale as I am reunited with loved ones and community and benevolence. I have nothing to prove here. Do with this what you will.

-I got really close to a big role and just found out I didn’t get it. I am of course disappointed as it would have changed my life, but the experience of auditioning in front of a room full of people and feeling like I did my very best was really good for my confidence and affirming. It showed me that I am ready to be in that position now and ready to be cast. I am manifesting that something happens soon because I really want to act.

-I have been seeing copious monarch butterflies everywhere I go, one almost flew into my eyes yesterday. I love them, thank you butterflies I need you.

-I got new red loafers that are making me happy. I am a loafers girl and a life long red girl. My favorite color is red. It has been since kindergarten (way before Donald Voldemort stole it for his loser hats).

-Stand-up is making me happy still. This is good news. Thank you, prozac.

-My skincare is making me happy still. The ceremony, the anointing of the self, I love the ritual.

Anyway, talk soon. Love you all deeply.

Blairy