A Meathead Does Pilates

Well, here we are. We made it to another Monday. I started my new life today as a pilates bitch. The update is that I will not be able to walk tomorrow. You know you’re in deep shit when you get sore the SAME day. I’ve had my sights set on becoming one of these lithe ballerina looking matcha bitches in a matching set for years, despite having the god given physique of an NFL runningback — but, I’ve have never locked in because as you know, I just sort of like to walk around in a huge hat. I bought a package of ten so I have to do at least nine more classes. I went today to this place in Los Feliz and holy shit these 90-pound girls are legit navy seals. They will probably be deployed downtown later today to spray gas on people. I don’t really have the energy to get into politics at this second but it all seems very scary and cruel to me what’s going on.

It’s been a rough few weeks as my family is really in the thick of profound grief right now. We’re all constantly trying to be there for each other, but it’s just unbearably painful. The loss of our beloved Arge is unrelenting and always will be. I want to take each family member’s pain away on top of my own all consuming grief and try to save everyone or shield them somehow from something that fundamentally cannot be protected against. It’s a lot. I am so raw I usually burst into tears every time someone gives me a slightly good hug. The hardest part is I keep wanting to call RJ all the time. I literally go to call him and then remember a split second later. Feels like a brick to the head every time.

Ugh, I just want to tell him about this awesome new dude I’m dating and how I saw a giant disgusting snake on my hike and also the Black Keys doing sound check at the Greek from the trail. I write him lots of letters updating him and also asking for advice and for messages. I have nobody to talk about aliens with now. RJ really was generous watching all the TikTok videos I sent him and actually just embracing my lunacy in general, even enjoying it. Just a few months ago, I sent him this video about how they think there’s an under water UFO base off Guadalupe Island (not too far from us off the CA coast). He happened to be camping in Catalina, and wrote back, “Thanks for the briefing, Peter. I’m in Catalina so I should probably swim over there and check it out.” He calls me Peter, by the way. He never got to see my alien jokes on stage.

They say grief is a portal to a new you because you essentially become a completely different person overnight. I realize now more than ever what a huge part of my identity my older brothers have always been. I’ve always idolized them and they’ve always taken meticulous care of me and helped raise me. It just feels like I don’t even remember who I was before this. We are so devastatingly incomplete now. Hayden and I are beside ourselves. We miss our broski.

But, I guess one positive part of total annihilation is that you get to decide who you want to be going forward. When you’re stripped to rock bottom, priorities become clear. There isn’t really any energy left for the things that you did before out of habit that you didn’t like. A lot gets instantaneously eliminated. I’ve been spending so much more time with loved ones lately, soaking them all in. I feel so ferociously grateful for all the exceptional people in my life. I feel more love for them than ever before. I plan to go to Europe this summer which I never would have done before this because I’m always working so much. I bought peonies today and mandarin oranges to place in bowls around my apartment. Just trying to find even the tiniest glimmers of beauty each day. Love Island USA is back on and thank God, because I’ve never needed the soothing balm of my nightly programs to hold on to more than this moment. I had three BLT’s last week (the vintage Porsche of sandwiches — chic, timeless, and always exciting) and honey, that’s not nothing. Do BLT’s make you skinny? Y or N???

I actually went out dancing last weekend with Greta and Patti after a show got canceled last minute. I can’t remember the last time I went dancing. It was one of those amazing LA nights, we had the best time. Patti brought a famous friend of hers who was so nice she insisted on taking me outside to pee in the bushes when the bathroom line was 30 girls long. We made it outside across the street and back to Greta and Patti within the same song. Still got it. Some people are just professionals.

WHAT I’M CONSUMING LATELY:

—Reading: The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin. Okay, that’s slightly not true as I am listening to it on audiobook during my hikes because I haven’t been able to focus enough to read right now. I love Rick Rubin. He’s so cool and wise.

—Watching: Careme on Appletv. It’s so good, I love it. I love historical fiction and this show’s about a sexy bad boy chef who becomes a spy mixed up in Napoleon Bonaparte’s regime.

—Taking: Alexis Smart Flower Essences. These are all natural witchy tinctures that I’ve been taking for years. Probably sounds insane cuckoo kachoo to all of you, and that’s your right. Each bottle deals with a different emotional experience, so you can curate for yourself what you need most at any given time. I’ve obviously been taking Wholehearted for a broken heart. A shattered into a million trillion pieces heart.

—Listening: Healing Harp on Spotify. Obviously. It is music from angels in my opinion. Makes me feel connected to another benevolent dimension. Yeah, the harp fuckin rules. Amazing.

Anyway, that’s all I have for you today because I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope you eat a BLT this week, my dear readers.

COME SEE ME ON MY UPCOMING TOUR DATES:

Sacramento Punchline June 18

Cobbs San Francisco June 19

Portland Helium July 11-13 — with Sean Jordan!

Dallas August 3

Tickets: punchup.live/blairsocci/tickets

Love you all <3