Ok, enough chit chat. What’s today’s question?
This one has layers. Love is in there. History is in there. And a calendar that keeps mysteriously filling up is definitely in there.
Earlier in life, being “on call” was part of the job. Parenting is basically a long shift where the phone rings and you answer, even when you’re tired. You were the default solution. Ride to practice. Help with homework. Fix the thing. Pay for the thing. Worry about the thing at 2:00 a.m.
Then retirement arrives and you think, “Ah. Finally. My time.”
And your adult child texts: “Quick question…” which is never quick, and rarely a question.
The lived-in insight is that habits don’t dissolve just because the kids hit 30. If you’ve always been the steady one, people will keep leaning. Not maliciously. Automatically. They’re used to you being the safety net, and safety nets don’t get thanked. They get used.
Also, adult kids are still kids in one way: they forget you have a life. Not because they’re selfish, but because they’ve always seen you as the background support system. Like electricity. You don’t think about it until it stops working.
So what do you do?
You renegotiate kindly.
Not with speeches. Not with guilt. With simple lines repeated calmly. “I can help, but I can’t today.” “We can do that, but we need a day’s notice.” “I’d love to, but we already have plans.” Plans, by the way, can include sitting quietly and being a person.
At first, this can feel harsh. Especially if you were trained to be endlessly available. But boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re clarity. They keep resentment from sneaking in through the back door.
You can still be generous. You can still be present. You just don’t have to be on call.
Gotta go. My phone is ringing.
# # #
If this feels familiar, a Like helps it find another porch.
Steady on,
Bill Black
Porch Caretaker, Humble Observer
More from the porch
If you enjoy Ask A Retired Guy, I gathered 26 of these reflections into a book—because apparently retirement has given me enough time to start answering questions nobody assigned me.
Ask A Retired Guy — Volume 1: Notes from the Porch for the Next Chapter is available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.
If your brain likes gentle, keep going:
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.