who's on judge mathis today? #305

plaintiff: tamisha from chicago, illinois. tamisha shuffles into the courtroom in the strangest way i have ever seen: arms straight down, forearms facing forward, elbows tucked into her sides. one of the commenters said “the plaintiff walked in like her shirt was still on the hanger” and that sound you hear is me falling off my chair. the shirt in question is an embroidered, kelly green, puffy cap sleeved, mandarin collared button-down peplum monstrosity (complimentary) that she has paired with large black circle earrings (circles, not hoops), a black belt over the shirt, and long black skirt. she has a cute sideswept fuckass bob, and in lieu of an accordion of truth™ she has brought with her a single manila file folder. i cannot wait to see what’s in there.

the defendant: jasmine from chicago, illinois. BUXOM BEAUTY!! CURVACEOUS CUTIE!!!!! VOLUPTUOUS VIXEN!!!!!!!! yall know how much i love to see fuck lettuce representation on my favorite afternoon program! jasmine strides into the courtroom and—sorry to be disgusting but she has the most enormous breasts i have ever laid eyes on, and i say this as a person who had a DD bra in preschool. they are impossible not to notice as they bounce freely in her silky low cut top and just like……………..yessir. i love to see a fat bitch with her titties out. verdict in favor of them.

the complaint: tamisha claims she considered jasmine her sister until she got fired from her job and started spending her days finding men online to have sex with, and she’s suing her today for an unpaid loan!

what does she want: $350! i love a low stakes case being litigated for the cost of a tank of gas but i also have enough empty diet pepsi cans in my garage to get her at least that and probably more? i’ll leave a bag of them in the driveway, PULL UP.

how it went down: tamisha says she and jasmine started working together and almost immediately became sister-like best friends. if i had a friend that felt like one of my sisters i would worry. my sister had a mastectomy a week ago that i first heard about in a copypasta she was obviously sending to people she wanted to impress, because she mentioned prayer three separate times and everything was spelled correctly. i sent a screenshot to our other sister (who had a secret stroke we’re all just………pretending didn’t happen?) like “hey dude, did you know about this?” and she texted back “damn, how sad, who is that from?” and i fucking shit myself laughing. YOUR MOTHER’S DAUGHTER??? HELLO??????? my lady’s entire family has a group chat where they send each other recipes and plan vacations and ask about each other’s day, and our sister had her breasts removed and we’re over here scratching our heads like, “who’s number is this?” because none of us talks to each other. it is hilarious and literally insane to be from a fucked up family.

tamisha says that they remained close friends even after jasmine quit, but eventually tamisha started to feel like she was being used. she says that when they would hang out jasmine would ask her to pay for her personal items and jasmine interjects, yelling “that’s a lie! no i did not!” and that’s the kind of sibling relationship i recognize. tamisha says jasmine would expect her parents and anyone she met to lend her money, and greg says, “well, that’s what you do when you’re out of work!” woke socialist king!!!!

tamisha says that jasmine has had seven jobs in the time she’s known her and so what? is your problem that she didn’t work or that she worked too fucking much??? again tamisha tells the judge jasmine had a lot of jobs and jasmine says, “okay, name ‘em.” and guess what tamisha does not do? list even one of the jobs she’s shading jasmine for! greg says, “maybe she’s just industrious?” and tamisha might be doomed because if there’s one thing greg mathis loves, it’s a big girl!!!!!!!

commercial break
here’s a lil rundown of some not-gay-sex books i’ve purchased recently:
honey by imani thompson (bored woman kills bad men)
i will kill your imaginary friend for $200 by robert brockway (loser kills people’s imaginary friends)
fat swim by emma eisenberg (fat short stories)
american fantasy by emma straub (boy band cruise ship)
major gift by tiffany ezuma (altruistic billionaire lady x journalist romance)
ghost town by tom perotta (new!! tom perotta!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
spoiled milk by avery curran (girls’ school gothic horror)

tamisha decides to switch tactics since the “too many jobs” thing doesn’t appear to be going her way. she says that jasmine was online all day searching for guys to have sex with on myspace. “searching for guys? okay, how many guys did i meet on myspace?” jasmine asks. is one of jasmine’s jobs LAWYER because goddamn she’s kinda good at this!!! don’t be out here making baseless claims without proof to back it up!!!!! tamisha says “a lot” and jasmine asks “exactly how many” as greg nods his approval. “maybe she’s just popular?” posits the judge. clearly he wants to motorboat those big naturals. tamisha then says that jasmine used to go to church to pick up men and goddamn is slutshaming really a winning strategy in fake TV court? unless you can sue somebody for fucking your man, what are we even talking about???

jasmine tells tamisha to name the men she slept with at church and i am dead serious when i say i would let her represent me in a court of law. not for any big crimes (we gotta reanimate the corpse of johnnie cochran for that) but i would absolutely let her argue with a judge about why it was okay for me to be driving forty miles an hour in a school zone at eight in the morning. (“your honor, she had to poop.”) greg laughs and says to tamisha, “everything you say about the woman, i think men would appreciate.” yeah babe, why are you here today? was judge judy’s docket too full???

tamisha says that even though jasmine spent all day every day on myspace, she lent her $250 anyway. she says a month later she lent her mom $100, which jasmine loudly interrupts to contest. the judge asks jasmine to tell her side of the story, probably so he can admire her cleavage jiggling while she talks. she agrees with what tamisha said about them being sisters, and i agree as well because i love to cut my sisters off; instead of a DNA test to prove we’re related just lock us all in a room and see if anyone can get a complete sentence out in under an hour. jasmine says she wasn’t on myspace trolling for dick, she was on there keeping in touch with her high school friends and getting laid was just a bonus. tamisha says she can’t believe jasmine would spend all day on the computer instead of looking for a job and jasmine is like, “do you not know that i can search for jobs online? i was multitasking.” everyone in the courtroom claps, and i’m not kidding someone get this woman a full ride scholarship to chicago kent!

jasmine admits that she did borrow $250 from tamisha and says she had every intention of paying her back, but tamisha blocked her and told her not to call her ever again. tamisha says, “well you know where i live” and i get that, but then we’d be in court today watching them argue over whether or not jasmine did actually leave an envelope full of cash outside tamisha’s door that tamisha never found. if i owed someone money there’s no chance i would leave it in the mailbox or under the doormat or whatever tamisha was expecting? that’s just begging for trouble. a few years ago my stepkid went through a horror-movies-on-a-loop-every-day slash channeling lydia deetz dyed-black-hair-and-eyeliner phase, and i bought some scream merch to celebrate and when it was delivered to our old house someone stole it off the steps like five minutes after i got the notification that it was there. but i got lucky because the next morning the package was back on the steps, ripped to shit with the ghostface sweatshirt shoved sloppily back inside. not a big cinephile, i guess!!!!!!!!!

the ruling: tamisha has a witness with her and greg asks what he wants to say. durrel is wearing a khaki sport coat over a seafoam green buttondown and white undershirt, and he says that he is good friends with both tamisha and jasmine. you mean like a…………..brother??? durrel says that jasmine admitted to him that she owes tamisha the money, but she just admitted that to all of us so what is the point of this? maybe the judge just wanted to give him a chance to show off his gorgeous outfit.

jasmine says she shouldn’t be held responsible for the mom of it all, but tamisha argues that the three of them were on the phone and jasmine’s mom told her she would give jasmine the money to give to her. the judge asks tamisha if she has proof that jasmine agreed to accept responsibility for what her mom owed (jasmine says that she never did) and tamisha says she has proof in her folder. she tries to give the judge the folder to sift through but watching a man try to thumb through printed-out myspace messages does not make for compelling television so he tells tamisha to find it herself. she gives him a message that jasmine wrote that has nothing to do with her mom, and greg gets mad and says he wants proof that she agreed to assume her mother’s debt otherwise get this shit outta his face.

she doesn’t have it, so tamisha wins a judgment for $250 and immediately begins to sad-cry. i’m not exactly sure why (maybe to her it feels like losing $100 instead of winning $250?) but this isn’t therapy court so out into the hallway with you both! during the post-case interview tamisha says that she and jasmine can never be friends again, and defense attorney jasmine esquire says, “never, we cannot be friends ever again; you either, durrel,” as tamisha inexplicably continues to openly weep? someone send her down the hall to where they film dr phil!!!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “she’s industrious, she’s eager, she’s popular, many men desire her, and she doesn’t mind a little freaky deaky every now and then! you’re doing her a favor, her action might shoot up when she leaves here! give her a website and she might get hits every minute!!!”

bangs gavel

if you’re nearby, wednesday may 20 i am gonna be in ann arbor to talk to isaac fitzgerald about his new book american rambler at literati. isaac walked (??) from massachusetts to indiana (???) and wrote a book about it, a book you can buy even if, like me, you wouldn’t drive your fucking car between those two places.