who's on judge mathis today? #302

plaintiff: ramaar from calumet city, illinois. WHO IS THIS DIVA? ramaar sashays down the courtroom catwalk™ in a brown argyle sweater vest layered over a crisp white dress shirt paired with grey slacks. ramaar is wearing chic metal frames, his hair is in neat rows of perfect little tiny twists, and he has what can only be described as a “thick goatee.” you know how some gentleman have a beard that’s so fine it looks like it was sketched on with a marker? ramaar has the complete opposite of that: a lush and full chinchilla pelt keeping his upper lip warm, the kind you can imagine gently brushing the skin on the insides of your [REDACTED]. i bet he uses beard oil!!

defendant: carson from chicago, illinois. i love when there are gay people on here, because no one loves gay people and mess more than gregory ellis mathis. carson strides into the room (he is switching so hard i’m surprised he hasn’t dislocated a hip???) wearing a black dress shirt and jeans with an embroidered design on them, like the pair i wore to my eighth grade graduation. he’s very tall, and very bald, and he’s bringing his documents to court in a manila file folder???? i thought they handed out accordions of truth™ to every contestant before they walked onto the set, like a consolation prize in advance. this is shocking to me! how is he expecting to keep everything together without that elastic string?

the complaint: ramaar started dating carson after they met online, and he says their relationship was volatile from the start. ramaar says he eventually kicked carson out of his home and, in retaliation, carson assaulted him and broke his glasses and then stole his gorgeous fur coat!!! outrageous.

what does he want: $5000! the maximum!! countersuit filed: carson would also like $5000, for unspecified “bills” and emotional distress!!!

how it went down: ramaar says he originally met carson online (please god i need to know what site) and they lost touch but reconnected four years later. gotta pause here and tell you two things: 1 my A key is acting weird and not always typing and i’m not irritated yet, but as soon as i am i will not be going back to fix all the missing As i apologize in advance, and 2 he talked to a guy he’d met on adult friend finder (let’s pretend) four years after making his initial acquaintance? in what world! my sister was meeting men to fuck on there years and years ago, and i had no freaking idea what that site even was when she casually asked if i wanted to look at her “dating profile.” of course i said i did, i would love to make fun of whatever movies she lied and said she was into or how she described her bad personality, but when she handed me her phone my eyeballs fell out of my fucking head after they were immediately assaulted by the profile picture of her dinner plate areolae and her frank declaration that she was “looking for a man to pound [her] throat hard and raw.” let me fucking tell you something: i wanted to die. first of all………………we have the same mom??!!?!?! second, what do those words mean when all put together like that??? is your throat hard and raw? is his penis both hard and raw?? or when you say “pound” do you actually mean you want someone to punch you in your neck??? up to that point i’d only been on okcupid and the other one that’s secretly religious propaganda, and even though i am depraved i was scandalized!

ramaar says that once they reconnected he and carson jumped headfirst into a relationship, and everything was going smoothly until carson’s mother moved in with them. HOLD UP. they got together in the first week of february, moved in together on the 15th of february, then his mama moved in a couple weeks after that? what are they, lesbians?!??! greg is also concerned, and says that the number one piece of dating advice he gives is “know people before you move them in.” i’ve known my lady for 13+ years and at least once a week i still fantasize about renting a side apartment for myself, carson moved in after two scant weeks? nothing good can come of that!

carson interjects, saying ramaar asked him to move in because he was scared to be in the house alone, and ramaar interjects back (?) that he invited carson to move in because he was over at his house every night anyway. carson says ramaar had an itty bitty dog that was supposed to protect him but she didn’t (someone knocked on the door a couple days ago and our stinky little dog abraham made a big show of unburying himself from under the duvet only to investigate nothing and sit hysterically barking from his spot in the bed, so i can relate to owning a small, useless dog) so ramaar asked carson to move in so he could bite any would be trespassers.

commercial break: would you maybe want to talk to me for charity? my best pal emmy kastner is helping to organize a publishing community auction whose proceeds will go to immigrant communities in minnesota, and i agreed to zoom with whoever bids the most money to gossip with me about dumb shit for thirty minutes. the starting bid is a hundred bucks, and i need you to know that i did not set that price, but i will try my best to make it worth it!! other industry people are offering manuscript critiques or behind the scenes publishing info but come on now, i am not doing any of that! bid on those people if you want to know how to write a riveting query!! i’m down to talk about pretty much anything; you can ask me questions, tell me your deepest secrets, take your shirt off, whatever you want. the auction will be live january 28 at midnight, and pretty please someone bid on this so i don’t look like a stupid fucking asshole in front of my friend. now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

ramaar says that he and carson had a volatile relationship and says carson was never really violent, he was just detrimental and emotionally abusive. carson yells from across the courtroom, “LIES and DECEIT! you were emotionally abusive to YOURSELF!” and he might be proving ramaar’s point. carson says he lost contact with ramaar after their first encounter on purpose, because there was zero attraction to him at all. (emphasis his!) carson says that ramaar would call him every now and again to check in and eventually he just gave in and decided “to do some charity work.” that’s some cold shit, and the judge absolutely loves it. he can’t stop laughing.

carson continues, saying that his mother moved in for a short time while she was waiting for her apartment to get ready. carson says that shortly after she moved in he started to notice that ramaar was getting “nasty text messages” and naked pictures. when i first heard nasty texts my mind went to fighting, but of course carson is talking about seXXXts. ramaar exclaims, “he was going through my personal stuff!” and carson says that he saw how many messages ramaar was getting and made a joke about it, and when ramaar was angry and defensive in response he knew that something was up and went snooping through his phone. what, no passwords? the only spicy things in my phone are approximately one hundred hours of heated rivalry edits, and even i have a passcode on my shit! if my phone was dinging with spread labial folds every five minutes i would keep it in a safe!!!

judge mathis says, “let me give you some advice i give to all mates: if you go looking for something and violate your person’s privacy, you are going to end up hurting your own feelings.” amen, brother. ramaar snaps, “if you go looking for something, you’re gonna find it” then greg adds, “and probably misinterpret it!” that is very generous? i’m not sure how you’d misinterpret another man’s balls in your boyfriend’s inbox, but what the hell do i know. the judge asks carson if he saw texts about ramaar hooking up with other men, and when he says yes ramaar interrupts to tell us that those texts were old as hell, also how did he get into his phone anyway? i, too, would love to know this! espionage seems so fun!!

carson says he didn’t misinterpret a damn thing because the messages were explicit, including one that said, “this [redacted] is wet and ready for you.” well, okay! greg cannot contain his glee and busts out laughing, as does the entire audience, and now i have unlocked a new fear: having something i wrote when i was attempting to sound sexy referenced aloud in front of a group of bored chicagoans who had nothing better to do on a weekday afternoon than go to the nbc building downtown and watch people fight each other over $45.

this argument about the text messages devolved into a physical altercation when carson’s mother chiquita got between them and ramaar looked like he was about to strike her, causing carson to preemptively punch him in the face and break his glasses. ramaar told carson and his mother to move out of his house, which carson says they did that same evening but ramaar claims it took them three days. that’s a not insignificant difference! ramaar claims that once carson finally got all of his stuff moved it, he took inventory and discovered his fur coat was missing. ramaar enters a picture of himself wearing the fur coat into evidence, and it’s the greatest thing i have ever seen; i didn’t go to my prom, but you know those prom pictures that have the blue sears portrait backdrop with two moody teens posing in front of it? ramaar’s photo looks exactly like that, except he is a full grown adult and he’s making fuck me eyes at the camera. exquisite!

carson says if he’d have stolen ramaar’s coat he would’ve waltzed into the courtroom wearing it today, and goddamn i wish we were friends. he’s so fucking funny. also, i just noticed that he is wearing a leather belt with a bejeweled cheetah as the buckle?? i am obsessed with him, what a perfect person! okay carson explains that he’d brought a cedar chest to ramaar’s house and stored all their coats together inside it, and when ramaar told him to move out he boxed up his coats and threw ramaar’s on the floor. ramaar isn’t offering any proof of theft; he has a bunch of police reports, but they’re all for domestic disputes, not robbery. they were together for a total of seventeen minutes and accrued six separate police reports?? that is absurd??? sounds like somebody needs to reactivate their grindr profiles!!!

the ruling: the judge tells ramaar he hasn’t brought anything concrete that shows him carson stole his coat, and ramaar says “either he has it, or his mother has it,” prompting chiquita to gasp and whip around in her witness chair to glare at him. greg says, “if that’s true then you just blew your case” and come on man, you have to be savvier than this! either sue them both or pretend his mom isn’t there, otherwise you’ll lose both your floor-length possum fur coat and this court case.

ramaar pivots and tells the judge that carson destroyed things in his house but unfortunately for him he’s not suing for those things today, but then his homegirl that’s with him jumps up and starts yelling at carson about all the bad shit he did to him, then carson starts yelling (louder) that ramaar’s house was in foreclosure and he paid all the bills when they were living together. ramaar’s homegirl keeps yelling (even louder) at carson about what a terrible person he is, and carson continues to yell back (loudest of all) “HE’S POOR. HE’S POOR. HE’S POOR. HE’S POOR.” judge mathis is happier than a pig in shit, giggling and kicking his feet like this is the best day of his life. marie-kondo-i-love-mess dot gif!!

carson and homegirl escalate and start roasting each other’s looks, and greg is straight up delighted but come on man we’re going off the rails here, let’s wrap this UP. homegirl starts calling carson tacky and then, under her breath, she calls him a “sissy.” LGBTQIA+ advocate gregory mathis is not going to tolerate homophobia of any sort, and he shouts “i heard you use that slur!” and boots her out of the courtroom, which is exhilarating. judge mathis said GAY RIGHTS, bitch!!!!!! carson tries to tell the judge about the bills he paid (apparently he couldn’t live without cable TV and ramaar couldn’t afford it) and was never compensated for but we’re done here. carson gets a $500 bone for his emotional distress (blah blah police report blah) and ramaar gets nothing but the rest of the dog to go make a replacement coat with.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “and he said the little dog wasn’t working, so he had to bring in the big dog!!!!”

*bangs gavel*