HELL YEAH BROTHER

current 90s dancehall mixtape:
punny printer pan head
stab out the meat lady saw
champagne body general levy
alms house capleton
tear off mi garment beenie man
traffic blocking general degree
dem no worry we super cat and heavy d!!!!!!
breeze off lady g

i feel like a fucking dinosaur saying this, BUT: is anyone else under the age of 97 watching abby phillip’s latenight cnn show, newsyelling??? i love watching people belligerently shouting political takes past one another where no one really listens and nothing ever gets solved and no one is satisfied and everybody is seething with visible smoke coming out of their ears every time the host tries to shut them the fuck up so the audience can watch some keytruda ads. i love this shit so much. first of all, abby is beautiful and her voice??? not that she needs career advice from a deadbeat with no job but she could probably making a killing reading romance audiobooks on the side if she wanted to. second, if i absolutely have to hear mainstream news, i prefer it filtered through screaming maniacs who are up past their bedtime.

slinky slithery sexy r&b banger currently on repeat: what if i by aunt comet!!!!!!!!

my friend bryan washington has a new book out called palaver and hot damn this motherfucker is a finalist for the national book award! i think that’s a really big deal? i have some fancy writing friends but most of the writers i’m cool with are the same kind of normal idiot as i am and none of us ever gets nominated for shit, maybe a goodreads award if anything but probably not even that, so it’s very easy for us to be friends. lucky for me that bryan is both brilliant and extremely nice, otherwise i would have to end this friendship immediately. anyway he recently did a by the book questionnaire in which he mentioned the frittata recipe i wrote in my book meaty (ho ho ho!! a wonderful holiday gift for your derelict friends and family!) and my man lucas texted me like I NEED THAT RECIPE and here’s a thing about me: we can be friends, super close ones as a matter of fact, even if you don’t read my books. i could’ve texted back “brother, turn to page ___” but i’m not a fucking asshole, so i’m posting it here free of charge. let’s see if this motherfucker opens my emails:

easy and delicious instagram frittata (for slobs)
ingredients:
6-8 eggs
1 red pepper, cored and seeded and sliced into thin strips
1 onion, sliced not diced because it looks more elegant that way
a potato
a couple handfuls of whatever grated cheese you have leftover from your last nacho day
some bagged spinach or kale unless you’re the kind of mature and responsible adult who has that shit growing outside your well-tended home
maybe some bacon if you want, or ham could be good too!
salt and pepper, rosemary and/or basil if you like that kind of thing
milk?? cream???
oil or butter (it doesn’t really matter but i prefer butter)

i am not an egg person. egg people enjoy thick, slimy yolks splooging over their tongues as they take a bite of their fried egg sandwiches; they like rivulets of yellow slime cascading from beneath their hamburger buns; they squeal with delight as a puddle of neon goo oozes from their freshly poached eggs to settle wetly around the edges of their avocado toasts. but they are so cheap and people always buy them and “throwing together a frittata” sounds way better than saying “sunnyside up eggs make me want to die” if they are the only option for food on hand.

one crack the eggs into a bowl, add a healthy glug of whole milk or cream, and beat them with a whisk. if owning a whisk is the kind of thing that is too fancy for you, throw this book in the trash.

two add a couple pinches of salt and a grind or two of pepper to the eggs. i never measure because am i really supposed to grind the pepper mill over a teaspoon and see how much i can catch? i’m not doing that! just shake your sea salt container a few times and grind the pepper three or four times so that you can see black specks floating around after you stir it again to mix it all up.

three suddenly remember that you forgot the actual first steps, which are: wash and slice your potatoes into thin discs (use a mandolin and watch your fingers); wash and slice your red pepper into skinny strips; slice your onion but not into chunks because chunks are weird-feeling in eggs. here’s how i do it: i cut off both the top and the bottom of the onion so that i have a flat surface to balance them on, then i take a sharp paring knife and cut from top to bottom while turning the onion like an eighth of an inch at a time, until it all falls apart and looks like a bunch of rainbows scattered across the cutting board.

now is about the time i feel like i’ve accomplished a lot? so i usually take a break, which usually involves admiring my beautiful pile of uniformly cut vegetables while drinking a coffee and wondering whether or not this will actually be worth it in the end. let’s relax with a little babygirl marshawn lynch conducting the houston symphony orchestra, which might be the most delightful thing i have ever seen.

four i always forget until it’s too late that greens should probably be cleaned, so now is a good time to find whatever moldering kale or spinach is hanging out at the bottom of your crisper drawer and dump it into a bowl that is 1 cup distilled white vinegar to 3 cups cold water and soak it for two minutes, then rinse it in a colander and maybe shake it a little to get some of the water out. i know it feels like a lot of work and i’m not going to lie, i’ve probably eaten 47 e. coli salads since last tuesday but now that i’m thinking about it if you gotta eat greens at least maybe try not to die from them.

five set your responsibly washed old salad aside and heat up some oil or butter in a deep cast iron pan and preheat your oven to 400 degrees (cue juvie’s 400 degreez). cook the potatoes first for five minutes over medium heat, moving them around a little bit so they don’t stick or burn. then add the onions and peppers and cook for another five minutes, moving everything around but not so roughly that you turn it into gross mush. at this point you could add some crumbled cooked bacon but that adds a series of extra steps that I’m not gonna do while hungover on a sunday? so it’s a no from me, dawg. i might chop some deli ham and toss it in there if i have it but again probably not. anyway if you’re putting meat in this chop it up and throw it in now, also at some point during this process sprinkle some salt and pepper on the whole thing.

six add two teaspoons of chopped rosemary or basil and a heaping cup of shredded cheese dregs to your beaten eggs (remember them?!) and stir, then flatten out the vegetables in the hot pan as best you can and pour the egg mixture over it. shake off your ripped up chard or kale or spinach and kinda just gently press it into everything; don’t add so much that it doesn’t mix in, eyeball the right amount. scroll through your insta and look at pretty brunch spreads for inspiration.

seven bake it for twenty minutes, give or take, until it’s set. keep an eye on it starting around the fifteen minute mark. i like mine a little brown on top because jiggly eggs in my mouth make me want to cry, but you can eat yours however you want.

if you’re thinking you want to post a picture of it on the internet, i’m not an expert on how to pose food to ensure maximum jealousy from people you went to high school with twenty years ago, but i’ll try:
-use a trivet (i bought these wool monstera trivets from graf lantz yearssss ago and we still use them all the time and they look cool as hell) so you can set the pan on your nicest table surface without fear of ruining it. oh, you eat on tv trays but you have a rustic chest of drawers next to your bed? you better run that skillet upstairs, girl!
-so people know that you actually made it with your own hands, scatter some eggshells and salmonella around the countertops so your online friends know that you don’t go to the farmers market just to take pictures of purple carrots. (i go to the farmers market just to take pictures of purple carrots.)
-buy one nice plate. it doesn’t even have to be a fancy plate, just get something that looks good through the lens of a dying iphone. spaghetti-o’s look like high art in a gleaming crate and barrel cereal bowl.
-nice napkins can serve the dual purpose of both making you feel like a capable adult and also making pictures of your revolting home food look more palatable. plus they’re pretty cheap and if you buy one of each color/style no one has to know that you don’t have the whole set unless they swing by demanding to look at your linen cabinet, but even then you can just brush them off like “who cares about matching?” and their eyes will widen in awe at how breezy and bohemian you are when really you just wanted a prop for some gluten-free brownies.
i have this dream of working up the courage one day to post pictures of the remnants food that i’ve already eaten: miserable looking hot dog butts, dried soup ring crusts on a tower of stacked bowls, gnawed-on breadsticks, the last two pieces of cereal floating in some rancid milk skin. until then i guess i’ll just be over here artfully setting my fork at a 45 degree angle next to this cassoulet i made for the express purpose of hopefully impressing that guy who once laughed at me for pronouncing the T.

i just got these beautiful pants that i ordered during a bout of menopausal insomnia: was it a mistake? will i ever wear them anywhere?? sometimes my brain

speaking of lying awake in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling, one of the things i find myself illest prepared for in middle age is adjusting to the shift from sex attention (fun, exciting) to mom attention (weird, bad). this absolute fucking cutie pie at the dispensary told me that he liked my hoodie and i look so cool and my first thought was you can’t even see my titties in this rag?????? but then he asked me if i had ever heard of “south bend, indiana” and i was like OHHH THIS IS MY SON. he’s not hitting on me, he’s just gobsmacked that my old ass had that shit on. like when you find out that your social studies teacher wears jordans on the weekend or the time i casually said “gooning” at the dinner table one night the kids had friends over and they all simultaneously fell out their chairs. when someone is interested in you because you’re like……………..a “cool older lady” rather than because they want to bend you over? feels weird! i don’t love it!!

fully obsessed with these songs: good ol’ days / zissou / dream girl in shibuya / negative self talk / i won’t quit on you / ego death at a bachelorette party / blood bros ALL BY HAYLEY WILLIAMS (the entire record is so, so great)

my teeth are rotted and disgusting and dealing with them has maybe been the worst part of my life, and after an extremely long break from it a few months ago i decided that maybe it was time to get back in the dentist’s chair for a checkup. i’m not gonna bore you with the specifics, that they found [redacted] cavities and prescribed me toothpaste and last week i had to have an insane surgery on my bottom jaw, let’s focus instead on the beautiful chocolates i sent as a gift to the three different dentists that had to deal with my gross teeth: gorgeous and delicious compartes. pretty sure i was first introduced to them in LA, which is a crime because no one there eats real food; thank god you can get them shipped to the fat parts of the country. i can’t ever let anything tasty touch my teeth ever again for as long as i live, but i do enjoy sending the kind of gift that lets the recipient know i have taste? and a working credit card???

in 2026 i’m gonna use my cookbooks more

BITCH!!! i wish matthew rhys would put his beast in me. goddamn he looks good on this fucking show!!!!!! i would never have previously thought of myself as the type to ride for a psychopath but his sinister energy is so appealing to me. i would let him walk me on a leash like one of his terrifying dogs. i also watched all her fault which was great but i read the book a couple weeks ago, which really is just a dumb thing to do. i read a bunch of andrea mara’s books this fall (all her fault, one click, it should have been you, no one saw a thing) and they go down james patterson smooth, i just should’ve waited until after i watched the show for this one because my brain can’t help but nitpick the differences between the book and the show and that sucks. we started watching pluribus and i’m sorry, BUT: it’s giving smiling zombie severance. i don’t like a show i have to figure out, i want to watch bronwyn fistfight heather gay while wearing an inflatable horse costume, not do mental algebra trying to figure out what’s going on in a forty-five minute television program. plus the main lady seems like such a fucking asshole? i keep watching it like, when is jack abbott gonna swoop down from mars and kill this mean bitch? robin and i are watching welcome to derry through our fingers with our hoodies pulled down over our faces (that might just be me) and it’s horrifying for real but also so good. we watched that netflix documentary that’s put together from bodycam footage (a real heartbreaker) and we’re also still churning through the summer i turned pretty. i’m not sure what the consensus is among the youths (the show’s intended audience and therefore the only demographic whose opinions matter) but babe i am fully team jeremiah. don’t worry, i googled to make sure he’s not actually a child before deciding he’s handsome. we’re about to start season three but are there actually people rooting for conrad? that pained and tortured thing is so nasty to me, i hate a mysterious man! but don’t listen to me, in my (old, cranky) estimation steven is the hottest young man on this show, but most of you are not ready for that conversation!!!!!!! my lady and i are crying laughing watching snl every week but we watch it early sunday morning instead of going to church, because who the hell is awake in the middle of a saturday night? i love eddie murphy down and while i haven’t yet watched his new documentary i have rewatched tower heist several times over the past few weeks and why didn’t that shit win an oscar? it’s so stupid (complimentary) and hilarious. i’ve fallen behind on trailers but i can’t wait to watch this gay ass hockey show and this charming romcom and if i had legs i’d kick you and a documentary about the ‘85 bears??? my body is also very ready to watch cm punk become a drooling vampire!!!

a banger to vibe to until we meet again: communicate feat ravyn lenae mick jenkins