As sex workers, we are healers. We see firsthand the power of our sexual healing for our clients and community. And yet, as coveted as sexuality is, we simultaneously see how our society demeans it and places its relevance at the bottom when it comes to health and wellness.
Even though our contribution to wellbeing is often overlooked, we have seen the power of our own medicine firsthand, with our own eyes. But it’s pretty easy to internalize the overwhelming neglect of erotic wellness and thus forget to receive a dose of our own delicious medicine. We give and give from the source of our sexuality and it can become so routine for us that it’s easy to forget to replenish the well for ourselves.
Has this happened to you?
When we pour into others without filling our own cup, this can quickly lead to burnout, resentment and/or an inability to continue our work. It’s frustrating; it interrupts our flow of income, and can contribute to increased levels of mental, physical, and emotional stress and strain. For those who are not in the industry, it can be hard to understand just how much energy it takes to share intimacy, physicality, and presence in the way that we give of ourselves on the regular.
So of course, it’s not guaranteed that we will be met with the same level of care we give professionally by anyone in our lives—including, but not limited to, our health care practitioners, partner(s), or friends. In fact, many get uncomfortable addressing the work we do and meet us with judgment rather than compassion. Beyond that, most folks are too weighed down by their own sexual blocks to meet us at the level of sexual openness and prowess that we possess and practice.
Depending on others to fill our cups for us can lead to frustration since it’s likely they will be unreliable, impermanent, or unavailable at times. Yes, it is important to have relationships that help us to fill our cup—whether platonic, sexual, community-based or otherwise, because humans are social creatures. But additionally, creating erotic independence for ourselves in order to provide ourselves with reliable, ongoing nourishment creates stability that is essential to our longevity and prosperity.
Over more than a decade in a career which has included stripping, erotic art, and teaching about/advocating for sexual empowerment, I have learned to lean on myself to fill my own cup. It’s the main thing that has kept me going despite the highs and the lows. And while it does require more work that we must do on our own versus outsourcing the job to somebody else, self-reliance is really the only thing within our control. It’s worth building a practice around cultivating a full cup for ourselves because, like it or not, you as an individual will have the most consistent presence in your life.
So here is what has worked for me in my personal journey and is the foundation of what I share when I hold space as a community organizer, retreat leader, and space holder:
Our eroticism is extremely valuable. This is common knowledge to us because it’s the baseline of our profession. Capitalizing on our eroticism whether as survival or as a first choice is still interacting within a system that is inherently extractive. Capitalism sees humans as workers first and foremost, labor as priority, and puts productivity above all else. When we conflate our eroticism with capitalism, it can be easy to lose touch with the value and worthiness of our eroticism in and of itself.
For example, have you ever been feelin’ yourself and feelin’ hot AF when your money is up and your clientele is booming, but when your money is down and it’s a dry spell, you felt unworthy and unsexy? This is a symptom of conflating your sex appeal with your cash flow, when in reality there are often forces outside of ourselves that are at fault. Remembering and anchoring into your worthiness apart from your “market value” is crucial to staying above water when finances inevitably ebb and flow.
Try creating space to attend to your eroticism outside of work and work hours. This is helpful, healthy, and keeps you grounded in your self worth.
There is so much stigma and shame around sexuality at large that it can be hard to tap into what it means to us underneath all the noise. Add in putting ourselves out there as much as we do, plus mouthy clients that feel entitled to say rude things, random chargebacks to your best content, and we are left with sifting through even more feedback coming from outside of ourselves.
The most healing touchstone for me has been to remember that eroticism is nature. Being out in nature reminds me that flowers aren’t overthinking their colors and the ocean is not hesitating to let its waves break as calmly or as ferociously as it wants. Our bodies are also nature. It’s natural to be erotic. Even other species trade goods for sex! So sharing our services in exchange for the means we need to survive can be seen as natural.
Spending time getting to know your own erotic nature will open up new realms within your body and your spirit that will take you on a path of self-love unlike any other. This will ground you over and over again.
You can journey to this venue of reflection by stripping down to the intimate space of exploring what turns you on when no one is watching, what your natural erotic impulses are, and what your erotic curiosities are underneath all the conditioning. It’s worth it to take a look around.
Try exploring your eroticism while in nature. Go touch some grass and daydream about what turns you on while surrounded by the beauty of the natural world.
Of course we provide services, but call me crazy, I always prefer to serve myself first. I am no martyr for no one. I always like to ask—how can I make this pleasurable for me? As a stripper that meant dancing to songs that turned me on, wearing what made me wanna fuck myself when I looked in the mirror. As a multimedia erotic creator, that has meant focusing on what turns me on the most and letting my creativity flow from there.
This may be controversial as we are often given advice to put all our attention on the consumer, but personally I have always found that if I excite myself first, I am way more generous and present than if I’m solely catering to someone else. Find a balance that works for you and little ways to steal pleasure guiltlessly from your erotic exchanges.
Try asking yourself: “How can I make this pleasurable for me?” before and during your next shift.
For sex workers the demand to use our sexuality to produce, and the reliance we have on our eroticism to provide for us, can be exhausting if we don’t stop to refuel.
Setting aside intentional time to connect to your eroticism just for the sake of it can be the difference between desperation/depletion and abundance. I call these intentional practices rituals and they are ideally practiced without a goal attached to them. Instead, this is time to release, play, explore, just be with your erotic energy. A ritual can really be whatever feels right to you. Don’t hesitate to explore rituals created by others and ultimately design your own. (Here’s an example of a ritual I love and practice regularly: Pussy on The Earth.)
Some ritual examples: self-pleasure, delighting your senses (or, sensuality), embodiment, mirror work, sex magic—the list is infinite.
Try asking yourself: What would feel so good to receive? And then set aside a block of time (five minutes, an hour, whatever) to find a way to give at least a version of that to yourself.
This work can be isolating and there is so much stigma and misunderstanding we can face in everyday life as a result of engaging with it. So it’s very helpful to find communities of sex-positive folks in general, but also incredibly nourishing to locate communities of fellow sex workers and sexuality aficionados to explore eroticism together. It’s a great reminder that you’re not alone! And we tend to learn so much from one another about new depths to go to.
Offerings like the monthly workshops with BSWWS, one-on-one support from fellow sex workers who offer safe spaces like The Wellness S’ Worker, and community retreats like the ones I lead through Pussy Empowered™ are just some ways to tap in. These spaces offer a place to rest, to be creative, and to reflect with a baseline of understanding from your peers, then go from there rather than explain or justify to folks who just don’t get it.
It is a practice of self-reliance to seek out community that aligns with your values and supports you; to choose places and faces that see your full humanity and value your voice and being just as it is.
Try doing some research into local or virtual communities of sex workers outside of the work itself—i.e. dance classes, book clubs, sex-positive support groups, or practitioners
Filling our cups is not one-size-fits-all. I invite you to reflect on how you can fill your own. Whether you take these steps or come up with new ones, it’s a worthy endeavor that is sure to enrich your life the same way you enrich the lives of so many with your presence and erotic energy.
You deserve to be erotically nourished too!
Was this helpful? How do you fill your erotic cup? Let us know in the comments~
And let’s share strategies while we get this money and create abundance!
Author Alyssa Aparicio is Founder of Pussy Empowered™ and is currently offering a $200 sex workers’ discount for her upcoming retreat “Surrender to Your Erotic Nature” this November on Oahu, HI. See details here and reach out at sensual.radiance@gmail.com if you’re interested in claiming one of the last remaining spots.
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