ADEKITAN

My mother once told me…

“Adekitan, sit down. I need to talk to you about something important.”

I was maybe eleven years old. We were in the kitchen, and she was preparing dinner. I remember the smell of onions and tomatoes, and the way the evening light was coming through the window, making everything look golden and warm.

I sat on the kitchen stool and watched her chop vegetables.

“What is it, Mami?” I asked.

She placed the knife down and turned toward me. The way she looked at me made me realize this was not an ordinary conversation. She seemed to be searching for the right words, wondering if I was mature enough to understand.

“I didn’t get married as a virgin.”

My eyes went wide. 👀

Back then, in our culture, that was something you didn’t just say out loud. That was a secret. A shame even.

“Mama… what do you mean?” I whispered.

She came and sat next to me on another stool.

“I mean that before I married your father, I had… experiences. I wasn’t pure when I came to him. And you know what?”

“What?” I asked, completely invested now.

“Your father still married me. He still loved me. He respected me. He became a good husband, and he never used my past against me.”

She took my hand.

“But just because it worked out for me doesn’t mean I want the same thing for you. Do you understand?”

“No, Mama. I don’t understand.”

She smiled sadly.

“I want better for you, Kitan. I want you to have something I didn’t have. I want you to be able to give your husband something I couldn’t give to mine. Your virginity. Your purity. Your body kept only for him.”

She squeezed my hand.

“Can you do that for me? Can you wait?”

I remember feeling the weight of that request. It felt like she was putting something precious in my hands and asking me to protect it. Even though the idea of keeping my body for the sole purpose of my man loving me because of it didn’t really make sense to me.

“Yes, Mama. I can wait,” I said solemnly. Like I was taking an oath.

“When you meet the right person, he will appreciate the choice you made. He will see the love behind it.”

She kissed my forehead.

“Do you believe me?”

“Yes, Mama.”

And I did.

I trusted her completely. She had always guided me with good intentions, and I believed her words came from a place of love.

If she believed waiting would lead me to someone who valued me, I wanted to believe that too.

After that day, the promise became part of me.

I carried it through different seasons of my life.

I had thought keeping a promise would be easy. I didn’t understand how much pressure could come from people, relationships, and the desire to feel accepted.

I only knew that my mother trusted me.

And I didn’t want to disappoint her.

One hot afternoon, he tried to kiss me. Nahhh, he actually kissed me.😭😂
And let me not lie, let me not steal, it felt really amazing.😭😂
I remember feeling my whole body come alive. Feeling like I wanted more.
But then I heard my mother’s voice in my head:
“Wait until you’re married to the man who will truly love you.”
So I pulled away.
“Dele, I can’t. I’m sorry. I just… I can’t.” 😔

He looked at me like I was crazy.
“It’s just a kiss, Kitan. What’s the big deal?”

“It’s a big deal to me.”

“Why?”

How could I explain to a teenage boy that my mother had made me promise to keep myself pure? That I believed waiting meant something?

“Because I said so. I’m sorry.”

He dumped me a week later. Very foolish boy.😭

Said I was “too conservative” and “not his type.”

Omooo, I cry wetin no good.
Lmaoooo.🤣🤣🤣

In university, the temptations got stronger. Everyone around me was dating. Everyone was sexual. Everyone was living.

And there I was, keeping myself like I was in some kind of prison.

I had a boyfriend named Seun in my second year. We dated for almost a year. And he loved me. I could tell he really did.

But one night, after a party, he asked me:
“Kitan, why won’t you let me touch you the way I want to? What are you saving yourself for?”

I told him the truth. I told him about my mother. About the promise. About my belief that waiting meant something.
And you know what he said?

“That’s beautiful. That’s really beautiful. And I respect that. If you want to wait, then I’ll wait with you.”

I felt like I’d found someone who understood. I felt like I had found my husband.😂

But then, three months later, I found out he was sleeping with someone else in our department.

He said he “needed to” because I wasn’t “meeting his needs.”

And that’s when I learned that most men won’t wait. They say they will, but they won’t.

By the time I finished university, I’d had three serious relationships.

And in all three, the man eventually left me because I wouldn’t sleep with him.

My friends would say things like:

“Kitan, you’re too rigid. You’re too old-fashioned. Nobody waits anymore.”

“Girl, give the man what he wants before he finds someone else who will.”

“You’re going to end up alone if you keep this up.”

And there were moments when I believed them.

Moments when I questioned whether my mother’s advice was actually good advice.

Moments when I wondered if I was wasting my youth for a fairy tale that didn’t exist.

But then I’d remember my mother’s face when she made me promise.

I’d remember how sincere she was.

And I’d hold on.🥹

I met Tunde at a friend’s birthday party when I was 24.

He was standing by the drink table, looking slightly uncomfortable, like he didn’t really want to be there.

I went to get a drink and we made eye contact for a second.

Just a second.
But it felt like… something.

“Hi, I’m Tunde,” he said, extending his hand.

“I’m Adekitan,” I replied, shaking it.

And he smiled.

“Can I talk to you for a minute? Away from all this noise?” he asked.

“Sure.”

We went to the balcony.
And we talked.

We ended up talking for hours, actually.

We talked about our jobs (he was an engineer, I was an accountant).

We talked about our families, dreams, life. And at no point did he try to kiss me or touch me or do anything physical.

He just… listened to me.

And by the end of the night, I felt like I’d met someone different.

We went on dates for the next two weeks.
Coffee. Dinner. A walk in the park.
By the third date, I knew I had to tell him about my promise so I don’t get too deep and then find out he might not be want to wait. I was so tired of heartbreaks.

I had to know if he would run away like the others.

So, we were sitting in his car, parked overlooking the Lagos lagoon.

The sun was setting. Everything was beautiful.

“Tunde, I need to tell you something,” I said nervously.

“Okay. What is it?”

“Is abstinence from sex until marriage something you believe in?”

I braced myself for his reaction. He was quiet for a long moment. Then he turned to look at me and said…

Then he turned to look at me and said,

“Adekitan”

“Yes.”

“Abstinence from sex until marriage isn’t just something I believe in. It’s something I actually live by. I’m a virgin. And I want to wait until I’m married.”

My heart stopped.

“What?” I whispered.

“I’ve made a decision since I was a young boy that I want to save myself for my wife. Not for religious reasons though, not because of anything like that. But because I want my wife to know that I chose her. That I kept myself for her. And that she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. Because she deserves that.”

Tears started streaming down my face. 😭
“Why are you crying?” he asked, looking concerned.

“Because… because I’ve been waiting for someone like you. I’ve been waiting for someone who understands. Someone who believes in the same things I do.”

He reached over and wiped my tears.

“I’m glad you waited. And I’m glad I waited too. Because now we can experience everything together. For the first time. And it’s going to be so special.”

The next two years with Tunde were like a dream. He was everything my mother had promised me would come.

A man who respected me, who believed in what I believed.

A man who wasn’t just with me for my body, but for my mind, my heart, my soul.

We’d have long conversations about life.
About our future. About what we wanted to build together.

He listened when I talked about my fears and he also supported me at work.

He made me feel valued and loved.
And not once did he pressure me for sex. Not once did he make me feel bad about waiting. Not once did he threaten to leave me if I didn’t “give him what he wanted.”

After two years of dating, he took me to this beautiful restaurant overlooking the water.

I thought it was just a nice date.
I had no idea what was coming.
Halfway through dinner, the lights went down.

A guitarist came out and started playing “our song” (a song we’d bonded over early in our relationship).

And Tunde stood up. Everyone in the restaurant stopped what they were doing.

“Adekitan, I have something I need to ask you,” he said, and his voice was shaking.

He got down on one knee.
And pulled out a ring.

“Adekitan, will you marry me? Will you let me be the man who gets to experience everything with you? Will you let me be your first in all the ways that matter?”

I was crying. Screaming. Nodding.

“YES! YES! YES!” 😭😂

The whole restaurant erupted in cheers.
And I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.🥹

Like my mother’s promise was finally coming true.🤭

I hugged him so tight that I didn’t want to leave him alone.

He made me so happy.😭

Days after the proposal, on a Tuesday evening exactly one week before the wedding, I’d finished work early and decided to surprise Tunde at his apartment.

We had plans to finalize some wedding details with the caterer, and I thought it would be nice to surprise him with dinner. I’d stopped at his favorite restaurant and picked up fried rice and croaker fish.

I had a key to his apartment - he’d given it to me months ago.
So I just walked in like I always did.

“Tunde! Baby, I brought food!” I called out, closing the door behind me. But he didn’t answer. His bedroom first door was closed.

I thought maybe he was napping.
“Tunde?” I called again, walking toward the second bedroom door.

Then I started hearing sounds.
Movement. Heavy breathing.
My heart started beating faster.

“Tunde, are you okay?” I asked, now genuinely concerned.

There was no answer.
All I was hearing was moaning sounds.

I felt my stomach drop.
But I told myself it couldn’t be what I thought it was. I mean, that’s not possible right?😭

Maybe he was watching something on his laptop. Maybe he was on a work call. Maybe-

I opened the bedroom door.
And my entire world shattered.

Tunde was in our bed - our bed that we’d picked out together, and he was literally having sex. Wild, crazy sex.
With a woman I’d never seen before in my life.

She was on top of him, her back arching, her body moving with an intensity that made it very clear this wasn’t their first time.

And Tunde - my Tunde, the man who said he was waiting, the man who said he wanted to save himself for me - was gripping her hips, pushing into her like his life depended on it.

“Oh my God, yes! YES! Just like that!” the woman was screaming.

And he was… he was clearly enjoying it. Making sounds like he was absolutely consumed by pleasure. He didn’t even notice I was there looking at him, neither of them noticed me.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t even process what I was seeing. 😭

They were too lost in each other. Too consumed by what they were doing.
The woman’s face was contorted in pleasure.

Tunde’s eyes were clouded, his jaw clenched.

And I just stood there in the doorway like a ghost, watching the man I was supposed to marry in a few months betray me in the most intimate way possible.

Then the woman opened her eyes.
And she saw me.

Her whole body froze.

“Oh my God!” she screamed, immediately pulling away from him.

“What the-” Tunde’s eyes snapped open.

And when he saw me, his face went completely pale.

For a moment, nobody moved.
None of them said anything.
We were all just frozen in absolute horror.

Then I screamed. Omggg, I felt pure pain.😭 Like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

The food I was holding - the drinks - it all fell to the floor.

Rice scattered everywhere.
And I just stood there, shaking.

“Adekitan-” Tunde started, reaching for his boxers to cover himself.

“Don’t!” I screamed. “Don’t you fucking touch me! Don’t you dare come near me!”

I had never cursed like that in my life.
But in that moment, I wasn’t myself anymore, I was someone else.

“It’s not what you think-” he started.

“It’s not what I think?!” I laughed - a hysterical laugh that scared even me.

“I can see exactly what this is! I can see you inside her! I can see that you are not a virgin! I can see that you lied to me Tunde, you lied to me!”

The woman was pulling her clothes on frantically, looking absolutely mortified.

“I’m so sorry… I didn’t know… I thought he was single…” she kept saying.

But I didn’t even look at her. She did me no wrong. I only had eyes for Tunde.

“How long?” I asked him, my voice now quiet and dangerous.

“How long have you been doing this?”

“Adekitan, please. Let me explain-”

“How long, TUNDE?!”

He put on his boxers and stood up.
He looked guilty. Ashamed. Panicked.

“Since… since before we even met,” he said.

Those words hit me like a physical blow.

“What?” I whispered.

“I’ve been with women before I met you. I’m not a virgin, Kitan. I am so sorry.”

The room started spinning.

“You lied to me. You looked me in the eye and you lied.”

“I know-”

“No, you don’t know! You don’t know what it feels like to wait your entire life! To say no to people! To keep yourself! To believe that waiting meant something!”

Tears were pouring down my face now. 😭

“I believed in you. I trusted you.”

“And I love you!” he said desperately.

“You don’t love me, you never did. You lied to me. You only said you were a virgin because you knew I was the kind of person who would wait. You knew I had standards. So you manipulated me!”

“That’s not fair-”

“Not fair?! You want to talk about not fair?! It’s not fair that you got to experience life while I was sitting at home waiting! It’s not fair that you got to have sex with other women while telling me that you were saving yourself! It’s not fair that you made me believe you were different from all the other men who tried to pressure me!”

I was screaming now, but the screams were breaking into sobs.

“The wedding is off, Tunde. We’re done. I don’t ever want to see your face again!”

“Kitan, please-”

“Get away from me!”

I turned and ran out of his apartment.

I don’t remember the drive home.
I was crying so hard I could barely see the road.

A car honked at me. I must have run a red light. But I didn’t care. Nothing really mattered anymore.

Everything I’d believed in was a lie.
Everything my mother had taught me was a lie.

When I got home, my mother took one look at me and knew something was wrong.

“Kitan? Baby, what happened? Why are you crying like this?” She rushed to me, trying to hug me.

But I pushed her away.

“Don’t. Don’t touch me.”

“What happened, Kitan? Did Tunde do something? Is he okay? What happened?”

“The wedding is off, Mami.”

Her face went blank.

“What do you mean the wedding is off? Kitan, the wedding is in two months. Everything is already-”

“He lied, mama!” I screamed at her. “He lied about everything!”

And then I collapsed on the couch, sobbing like I had never sobbed before.😭

My mother sat down next to me and I told her everything. She listened to every word without interrupting.

And when I finished, she held me.
She didn’t say “You should have seen the signs.”
She just… held me while I cried.

After I’d cried myself out (literally - there were no more tears left), my mother made me tea.

We sat in the living room, and she asked me to tell her everything again.

This time, I was calmer. Colder even.

I told her about how he’d said he was a virgin on our third date.
I told her how he never pressured me for sex. I told her that he never made me feel bad about waiting.

I told her that he seemed perfect.
“He played the perfect role,” I said bitterly. “He said all the right things. He did all the right things. He made me believe he was different from all the other men.”

“How long do you think he was seeing this woman?” my mother asked.

“He said since before we even met. So he was lying from day one, Mama. From the moment we met.”

My mother was quiet for a long time.

“Kitan, I need to ask you something, and I want you to really think about it before you answer.”

“What?”

“Do you think that if you had slept with those other men - the ones you dated before Tunde - do you think they would have stayed? Do you think they would have stayed if you’d given them what they wanted?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“I think the answer is no. I think they would have still left. Because the problem was never about the sex. The problem was that they wanted you but didn’t love you.”

“But Mami, you told me to wait. You told me that waiting meant something. You told me that a man who truly loved me would wait with me. And now I find out that the man I was going to marry lied about waiting! So what was the point of all my waiting?!”

My mother reached over and took my hand.

“Waiting wasn’t about finding a good man. Waiting was about protecting yourself. Waiting was about learning your own worth. Waiting was about understanding that your body is yours and you get to decide who you share it with. Do you understand me?”

“But I did all of that, and it didn’t matter. He lied anyway! He got me anyway!”

“Yes, he did. And that says something about him, not about you. That says that he is a liar and a manipulator. But it doesn’t erase what you did. It doesn’t erase the strength it took for you to wait.”

“I don’t feel strong, Mami. I feel stupid. I feel like I wasted years of my life.”

My mother pulled me into a hug.

“You didn’t waste anything. You learned that you can’t control what other people do. You can only control what you do. And what you did was love someone. You gave your heart to someone who didn’t deserve it.”

But her words didn’t comfort me.
Because in that moment, I didn’t feel human. I felt broken. Betrayed. Angry.

The wedding was cancelled the next day. I had to call everyone and tell them.

“The wedding is off. Tunde lied about who he is.”

And of course, everyone had an opinion.

“Maybe you should give him a chance to explain.”

“Maybe you’re being too harsh.”

“Maybe you should work it out before the wedding.”

“Maybe?! Maybe nothing! He lied to my face! There’s no working it out from that!”

My mother fielded most of the calls.
Telling people what happened. Making sure everyone understood that this was not my fault.

But inside me, I didn’t feel like a victim.
I felt like a fool.

For the first three days after cancelling the wedding, I didn’t leave my room.
I just… laid in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Not eating. Not sleeping. Just… existing.

My mother would come in with food.
“Kitan, you need to eat something.”

I’d shake my head. She’d leave the food on the bedside table and close the door.
And it would just sit there, getting cold.

On the fourth day, my mother came in and opened the curtains forcefully, letting sunlight flood into my dark room.

“Get up,” she said firmly.

“Mami, I can’t-”

“I said get up. We need to talk.”

There was something in her voice that made me listen.

I sat up in bed, my hair a mess, my face puffy from crying.

My mother sat down next to me and looked at me with eyes that were both soft and strong.

“I know you’re hurting,” she said gently.

“That’s an understatement, Mami.”

“I know. But I also know that you’re angry. At Tunde. At yourself.”

I didn’t say anything. But she was right.

“I need you to listen to me very carefully. Because I’m going to say something that I should have said a long time ago.”

“What?” I asked, my voice small.

She took a deep breath.

“I was wrong to make you promise to wait. Don’t get me wrong, waiting is not wrong. I just feel like I put too much weight on that one thing. I made it seem like waiting was the key to finding a good man. Like if you waited, then you’d automatically get a good man. And that’s not how the world works.”

She reached over and took my hand.

“The world is complicated. Men are complicated. Some of them can be very wicked. And waiting doesn’t guarantee anything.”

“So you’re saying I should have just slept with those men? That maybe if I’d done what they wanted, they would have stayed?”

“No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying, Mami?”

“I’m saying that waiting or not waiting - neither of those things determines your worth. Neither of those things determines whether you deserve love.

Neither of those things determines the kind of man you’ll end up with.”

“But you said-”

“I know what I said. And I meant it at the time. But I was speaking from my experience. From my regrets. I didn’t wait, and I felt shame about that. So I wanted you to do what I couldn’t do. And in doing that, I put a burden on you that wasn’t fair.”

Tears started sliding down my face again.😭

“Mami, I kept the promise. And he lied anyway. So what was the point? What did I gain from waiting?”

My mother pulled me into her chest.

“You gained the knowledge of your own strength. You gained an understanding of your own body and your own mind. You gained the ability to say no when you wanted to. That’s not nothing, Kitan.”

About eight days after I canceled the wedding, I was sitting in my room when my phone rang.

It was random number but I knew it was Tunde.

For the first seven days, I’d blocked his number.

“What do you want?” I asked coldly.

“Kitan, please. We need to talk. You won’t return my calls. You blocked me. You won’t see me. Please just give me five minutes-”

“No.”

“But-”

“There’s nothing to say, Tunde. You lied. What else is there to talk about?”

“I love you!”

I laughed. A bitter, angry laugh.

“You don’t love me. You wanted me. You wanted to marry me so you could have a wife who would do whatever you say. A wife who would feel grateful that you “waited” for her. A wife who would feel indebted to you.”

“That’s not true-”

“It is true. Your plan almost worked. I almost married you. I almost spent the rest of my life with a liar and a manipulator.”

“Kitan, I can explain-”

“I don’t care about your explanation. I don’t care about anything you have to say. You made your choice. Now live with the consequences.”

I hung up the phone.
And I blocked him again.

Two weeks after the wedding was supposed to happen, I was still a mess.
I hadn’t been to work. I hadn’t seen my friends. I hadn’t left the house except to go to the market with my mother.

My mother was worried.
I could see it in the way she looked at me. The way she’d come into my room and just… watch me.

Like she was afraid I might do something drastic.

“Kitan, you need to get out of this house,” she said one evening while we were eating dinner.

“I’m fine, Mami.”

“You’re not fine. You haven’t been fine since the wedding was cancelled. You need to see your friends. You need to get some air.”

“I don’t want to get any air, Mami.”
The words came out before I could stop them.

And my mother’s face went pale.

“Don’t say things like that.”

“Why not? It’s true. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore.”

“Kitan!”

My mother reached across the table and grabbed my hand.

“You need to talk to someone, baby. A therapist. A counselor. Someone-”

“I don’t need a therapist, Mami.”

And in that moment, I made a decision.

The next day, I called Sholape.
We’d graduated from university together, and we’d been friends for a few years, but we hadn’t hung out much since I started dating Tunde.

She answered on the second ring.
“Kitan! Oh my God, I haven’t heard from you in forever! How are you?!”

“I’m… I’m not good, Sholape. Can we… can we hang out tonight?”

There was something in my voice that made her pause.

“Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“I’ll tell you when I see you. But yes, something happened. And I… I need to get out of this house.”

“Okay. We’re going to the club. You need to dance. You need to drink.”

She said it so confidently, like she knew this was exactly what I needed.

I showered and got dressed.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I barely recognized the person looking back.

I was thin. My eyes were dull. My skin was pale.

So I did my makeup. I curled my hair. I put on a black dress - short, tight, sexy.

My mother saw me as I was leaving.
“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To the club. With Sholape.”

“Kitan, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I know I said you should step out for air but not like this. You’re not in a good place emotionally-”

“I need this, Mami. I need to get out. I need to feel something other than pain.”

She wanted to stop me. I could see it in her face. But she also understood. Because she’d been young once too.

“Be careful,” she said finally. “And call me when you get there.”

“I will.”

And then I left.

The club was packed. Music everywhere. Music It was overwhelming. But it was also… alive.

Sholape found me at the entrance and pulled me into a hug.

“Oh my God, look at you! You look amazing!”

“I look like a skeleton in a black dress.”

“You look like a woman who’s about to have the time of her life. Come on!”

She dragged me to the dance floor.
And, I danced.

We danced for hours. Sholape kept bringing me drinks. And I kept drinking
them.

Vodka. Beer. Cocktails. I didn’t care what it was.

I just wanted to feel the numbness set in.

Around midnight, a young guy appeared.

I don’t even remember noticing him at first. But then Sholape grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear:

“That guy over there keeps staring at you.”

I turned to look. He was standing by the bar. Well, he looked good.

He was looking directly at me.
And when our eyes locked, he smiled.

It was a smile that said: “I want you.”

It was a smile that said: “I know you want me too.”

It was a smile that made my stomach do a flip.

“Go talk to him,” Sholape said, pushing me toward him.

“What? No. I’m not-”

“Yes, you are. You’re going to go talk to him. And then you’re going to take him somewhere private. And you’re going to do something you’ve never done before.”

“Sholape, what are you talking about?”

She looked me directly in the eyes.

“I’m talking about you finally living your life. I’m talking about you stopping with all this waiting bullshit. I’m talking about you taking what you want for once.”

“I don’t even know this guy-”

“So? That makes it better. No feelings. No expectations. Just… two people who want each other in the moment.”

Part of me knew this was a terrible idea.
Part of me knew I was making a mistake.

But the other part of me - the part that was angry and broken and desperate - wanted it.

So I walked toward him.

“Hi,” I said when I got to him.

He grinned.

“Hey. I was wondering when you were going to come talk to me.”

“I’m Kitan.”

“I’m Kolade.”

We made small talk for a few minutes.
He asked what I did. I told him (abbreviated - I didn’t want to think about work).

He told me what he did (something in finance, I wasn’t really listening).

And the whole time, there was this electric tension between us.

This pull. This need, omgggg.🥲

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked after about fifteen minutes.

And I said yes.

Few minutes later, we were in his car.
He had a nice car. A Mercedes. Black and sleek.

We drove to a hotel nearby. He had a key - apparently he was a regular.

We didn’t speak much in the car.
Just… looked at each other. I was breathing heavily.

The moment we got into the room, he kissed me.

Hard. Urgent. Desperately.
Like he couldn’t wait another second.

And then, I kissed him back just as hard.
Like I was trying to escape from myself.

He started undressing me. And I let him.
I helped him even.

When he finally entered me, it hurt.
Just a little. But this time, the pain felt… right. Like I deserved it. Like pain was all I was entitled to.😭

He was rough, fast and selfish - all about his own pleasure, not mine.

And yeah, I was fine with that.
In fact, I wanted it.

I wanted him to take what he wanted and not care about me.

Because maybe then I wouldn’t care about me either.

It lasted for about five minutes.

Then he collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily.

“That was incredible,” he said.

For me, it wasn’t even close to incredible. It was very empty, meaningless, absolutely nothing like what I’d imagined it would be.😔

I laid there, feeling his weight on top of me.

After he was done, he got up and went to take a shower.

I laid in that hotel bed - alone - and I cried. Not from pain, but from disappointment. From regret.

From the realization that losing my virginity to a stranger didn’t fix anything.

It didn’t make me feel better, It didn’t erase my pain.

It just… added more pain on top of the pain I was already feeling.😭

When he came out of the shower, he was already getting dressed.

“I gotta go,” he said, not even looking at me.

“Okay,” I said quietly.

“My number’s on the nightstand if you ever want to do this again.”

I looked at the number.
And I laughed. A bitter laugh.
Because this was what I’d waited for my whole life???

A random stranger in a hotel room who didn’t even know my last name?
Lmaoooo😭😂

“You okay?” he asked, finally looking at me with concern.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Alright. See you around.”

And then he left.

I called Sholape and asked her to pick me up. She had already been calling me sef by the time I checked my phone.

She was waiting outside the hotel when I came down.

The moment I got in the car, she could tell something was wrong.

“What happened?” she asked gently.

“I did it. I… I slept with him.”

“And?”

“And it was awful, Sholape. It was empty and awful and I feel… I feel like I’m even more broken than I was before.”

She reached over and squeezed my hand.

“Oh, Kitan.”

“Everyone said losing my virginity would fix something. That it would help. That I was too repressed. That I needed to loosen up. But it didn’t fix anything. It just… it just hurt me more.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have pushed you to do that.”

“It’s not your fault, jhare. I wanted to do it. I wanted to lose my virginity to prove… to prove what? That I’m not broken? That I can be normal like everyone else?”

We drove in silence till I got home.

When I got home, my mother was waiting up. The moment she saw my face, she knew. She didn’t ask me any questions.
She just pulled me into her arms and held me.

And I broke. I broke in a way I hadn’t broken before. Because now I had betrayed not just my promise to myself. I had betrayed my mother’s promise.

“I’m sorry, Mami. I’m so sorry. I lost it. I lost my virginity to a stranger and I don’t even know his name and I feel like I’m dying and I don’t know how to fix this and-”

“Shhhh, baby. Shhhh. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay! I waited for nothing. And now I’m just like everyone else! I’m just another girl who gave her body to a man who didn’t care about her!”

My mother held me tighter.

“Listen to me. You are not just like everyone else. You made a choice. You made a choice for yourself. And maybe it wasn’t the best choice. Maybe it was made for the wrong reasons. But it was your choice.”

“But I broke the promise-”

“The promise was mine, baby. Not yours. You never asked to make that promise. I made you make it.”

“But I wanted to keep it-”

“And now you didn’t want to keep it anymore. And that’s okay. That’s life. We change our minds. We make mistakes. We grow.”

“I don’t feel like I’m growing, Mami. I feel like I’m dying.”😭

And she just held me while I cried myself to sleep.

Three weeks after the hotel room, I wasn’t feeling right. I had a fever that wouldn’t go away. I was exhausted all the time. I’d wake up at 3am drenched in sweat.

My throat felt like glass. My body ached.
My mother kept saying: “You need to go to the doctor, Kitan. This isn’t normal.”

But I refused. Because deep down, I knew what this was. Or at least… I feared what this could be. I’d slept with a stranger. Without protection.

And now my body was about to pay the price for it.

My mother finally forced me to go to the doctor. She literally dragged me out of bed and took me to the hospital.

“Something is wrong with you,” she said firmly. “And we’re going to find out what it is.”

The doctor - an older woman with kind eyes - examined me. She asked me questions. About my health history.
About my sexual history, the symptoms I have been experiencing…

So I told her I’d only been with one person. I didn’t tell her the person was a stranger though. I couldn’t say it out loud. I was too ashamed.

“I want to run some tests,” the doctor said finally. “Just to be sure.”

“Tests for what?” I asked.

“For a few things. STIs, HIV, Pregnancy tests, things like that. Just to rule them out.”

My heart stopped.
HIV ke???
I thought I was pregnant nowwww
Which one is HIV again???
Ha, God abeg ooo

“Okay,” I said.

The worst part was waiting for the results. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think about anything else. I just waited.

Day after day after day.
Waiting for the call.

My mother tried to be supportive.

“You’re probably fine, baby. It’s probably just something minor. Don’t worry.”

The doctor called on a Thursday morning. I was in my room, staring at the ceiling, when my phone rang.

I almost didn’t answer. But I did.

“Kitan, this is Dr. Ama Okafor from the Jones hospital. Can you come in today? I need to discuss your test results with you in person.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “I’ll be there.”

The doctor’s office was small, clinical and cold. There was a desk. Two chairs. A box of tissues.

Wait, why was there a box of tissues?
My mother held my hand as we sat down.

The doctor opened a file and looked at me with soft, pitying eyes.

Before she even said anything, I knew.

“Kitan, your HIV test came back positive,” she said gently.

The room started spinning. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. All I could do was hear her voice, but not process her words.

“We caught it early, which is good. We can start you on antiretroviral therapy immediately. With proper medication and care, you can live a long and healthy life. But you need to-”

“I’m positive?” I whispered.

“Yes. I’m so sorry.”

I looked at my mother. She was crying. Tears streaming down her face.
And I just… started crying too.
I screamed. A primal, animal scream that came from somewhere deep inside me.

A scream that said: “This isn’t fair. This isn’t supposed to happen to me. I waited. I did everything right and I still got punished.”

My mother drove us home in silence.
I sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window, numb.

“Adekitan, we can get you help. We can-”

“Don’t, Mami. Just… don’t.”

“Baby, this isn’t the end. You can still-”

“I said don’t!”

She kept quiet.

I was thinking about everything.
About my decision to sleep with that stranger. About how one moment could change everything.

That night, I locked myself in my room.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want sympathy or pity or help. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.
I thought about all the decisions that led me here.

If Tunde hadn’t lied, would I have gone to the club? If I hadn’t gone to the club, would I have met that guy? If I hadn’t met that guy, would I have slept with him? If I hadn’t slept with him, would I have HIV?

It was a chain reaction.
One lie leading to one choice leading to one night leading to one diagnosis.

The next day, my mother came to my room with tea. She sat on my bed and looked at me.

“I need to say something,” she said finally.

“Mami, I don’t want to hear-”

“I don’t care. I need to say it anyway.”

She took a deep breath.

“This is not your fault. Do you understand me? This is not your fault.”

“It is my fault. I made the choice. I went to that club. I slept with that guy. I didn’t use protection. This is completely my fault.”

“No. Your fault was loving someone who didn’t deserve your love. But the HIV? That’s not your fault. That’s on him. That’s on the guy who knew his status (or should have known) and still slept with you anyway.”

“I don’t think he knew, Mami-”

“It doesn’t matter. When you sleep with someone, you have a responsibility to protect them. To be honest with them. And he wasn’t honest. He didn’t protect you.”

“But I should have protected myself, Mami. I should have insisted on protection. I should have been smarter.”

“Yes. You should have. But you were broken, Kitan. You were in pain. You weren’t thinking clearly. And that’s understandable.”

She took my hand.

“But now you need to think clearly. Now you need to take care of yourself.”

“How do I live with this, Mama? How do I go on knowing that I have HIV? Knowing that my life is over?”

“Your life is not over. You have HIV, yes. But that doesn’t define you. That doesn’t determine your worth. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a future.”

“What kind of future do I have? Who will marry me? Who will love me? Who will want to be with a woman who has HIV?”

“The right man will. The man who loves you will.”

“I don’t believe that, Mami.”

“I know you don’t. But you will. Eventually, you will.”

I started antiretroviral therapy immediately. The medications made me sick at first.

Nausea. Headaches. Fatigue.
But gradually, my body adjusted.
And after a few months, I started to feel… better.

My mother was with me every step of the way. She went to Doctor appointments with me. She helped me understand my diagnosis. She reminded me, every single day, that this didn’t define me.

It's been about two years now since this whole thing happened. I have HIV, and I take my medication almost every day.
My viral load is undetectable, which means I can't transmit the virus to others.

Which means I can live a normal life.