Changing Your Mind

As May 1, aka “Decision Day” draws near, I knew I’d sit down and write about what happens when a kid changes his or her mind even after committing to another school.

Well, my own kids love to give me content, so now I will just get to talk about it firsthand.

A quick note: this is about regular decision commitments. Early decision is a different and binding situation with its own set of serious considerations if you’re thinking about backing out. That deserves its own piece entirely.

In March, one of the boys committed to a large flagship university, which happens to be my (our) alma mater. The Instagram post was made by him and his school, the vanity license plate was picked up and bolted to his car, and the graduation announcements were printed.

And then April arrived and there was one college left to hear from. Sure enough, he got an offer from a small school with merit aid, something we had not gotten from the larger school, and we’re paying out of state anyway.

He got a handwritten note referencing his application in detail. It was so personalized. He said, let’s go check it out one more time, just to be sure.

So we went to admitted student day. The president spoke about being known. The director of admissions said “You’re going to look around each and every day and ask yourself how you got in here because you’re going to be amazed by your peers, and I want you to know that we have no imposter syndrome here. These are your people, you belong here.” I think I saw Tinkerbell sprinkle a little dust over a few hundred kids’ heads and flit off with a little laugh.

Then he knew students from home, and they knew him. I picked him up from coffee with them. When I pulled up, that smile was ear to ear and he was flushed. I knew it. He had fallen in love with the school. He didn’t even have to tell me.

He’s going to Davidson.

It is a total 180. We’re talking the likes of 6,000 entering freshmen to 600.

But there are signs of happiness, relief, and finding fit for sure. We are so happy for him.

So, for anyone who might be in this situation in these last few days, or even after as we get into summer, just know that this is not totally out of the normal. I have gone to many a graduation ceremony where the college listed by a senior’s name is not where he or she ends up.

So much of this is simply having patience for more administrative doing, which you’ve done all year anyway. Let’s talk about what that looks like.

The roommate. This was the biggie. He had already matched with a great kid, and having to tell that person he wasn’t coming felt genuinely hard. But there is time and it’s not September. Just hated having to do it.

The deposit. Gone. Non-refundable. That is just the cost of the decision and it is worth paying.

The social media declaration. The account run by seniors had posted his intent when he submitted it back in March. It’s Instagram. It will be fine.

The graduation announcements. I marked out the college with a pen before they went in the envelopes. I had the greatest plans to get a sticker that matched and make it pretty. In all honesty, I just can’t even.

The license plate. He got a vanity plate for his intended and announced school, as it just so happened it also lined up with our renewal. That is changing.

None of this should change any kid’s decision. Heck, kids leave days after moving in, which I know is so hard on everyone. The administrative stuff is just logistics. You can manage logistics. What you cannot manage is four years at a place that doesn’t fit.

As an aside, I really do think all this recruiting/Rushing of kids in the spring of their senior year is worth a conversation on its own. The constant connectivity has changed the game. These kids aren’t just hearing from sororities and fraternities occasionally. It’s a steady barrage of texts and invites to be on campus, and sure it’s fun, but it’s anxiety-inducing. I understand there are consequences to moving Rush to second semester or beyond, but this is absolutely influencing decisions. And the volume is getting louder, not softer. I fear for these seniors who are going to get into trouble in a college town at the end of their high school career and lose it all before they even get there. OK, taking my grandma wig off now.

You can change your mind. Regular decision commitments are not contracts. Early decision is a different story with its own complicated chapter, but if your kid said yes to a school on a regular timeline, they can say no.

Wait a little longer to say yes, if you can. Schools that haven’t filled their class will sometimes offer unsolicited merit money to admitted students who haven’t committed yet. If you’re comparing aid packages, waiting gives you leverage you didn’t know you had.

Appeal your financial aid. If a competing school offered more, say so. Ask for a reconsideration. The worst they can say is no, and they often don’t.

Housing and parking deadlines are real. At many schools, on-campus housing is first-come, first-served. If your kid is changing schools close to May 1st, check the housing deadline at the new school immediately. I do think schools have figured out that the pressure kids feel around not having a place to live or park is forcing decisions they wouldn’t otherwise make. It’s real, and it’s worth knowing going in.

In the end, this is a big decision, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of choosing something that doesn’t truly fit your family’s goals, whether those are emotional, financial, legacy, spiritual, or geographic. Fit is important. Listen to your gut, and keep the conversations flowing.