Friends of SubStack, gather ‘round. It’s time we talked about the other inbox epidemic –I don’t mean other writers messaging you to ask about your writing process, seeking inspiration, legitimate connection, or feedback on their writing. I mean the random personas, the "princes," the "spiritual leaders," and the ever-persistent "I just want to get to know you better away from SubStack guys or gals” who show up like uninvited guests to your professional forum for writing and creation. How dare they!
You know the ones:
"Hello, dear; I want to get to know you better. Do you have WhatsApp?"
"I want to know more about you. I want our conversations to be between us. Follow me to Xangi and/or Telegram.”
"My name is Prince Ahmed from Saudi Arabia. Can we talk privately?"
“I am a well-known celebrity who peruses SubStack in my spare time and has been trying to contact you through my other deleted accounts. Glad I caught up with you on my new account!”
Within three messages, you’re somehow expected to leave SubStack, join Telegram, Xangi, or give up your WhatsApp contact number and be their new "best friend." — This makes me wonder if I’m becoming involved in a plot to send them money (Be honest, what Saudi Prince or Hollywood superstar needs my money?), or somehow help them launder money through their conspiracy plot. Am I about to become part of a foreign espionage scheme? Will I be put on some government list for idiots due to my chatting with a foreign suspect intent on stealing my information and selling it on the Dark Web? These messages evoke a “HELP! I’m about to be kidnapped” emotion inside of me. Too many scary situations come to mind when I get messages requiring me to chat with these people somewhere else. What on earth is wrong with just having a conversation on SubStack?
I mean, come on. Did we log on to write about life and healing, to share and refine our crafts, or to dodge marriage proposals and pyramid schemes?
So, to honor this very real phenomenon, I present to you...
🎉 SubStack Creeper Bingo 🎉
(Yes, I made a bingo card. Yes, I’m proud of it.)
🟢 Claims to be a prince
🟢 Asks if you’re single within three messages
🟢 Wants to move the chat to WhatsApp/Telegram/Xangi immediately
🟢 "I don't usually do this, but I feel like I can trust you"
🟢 Talks about a "business opportunity" after complimenting your writing
🟢 Vague references to a spiritual movement/cult
🟢 Claims to be a well-known celebrity who is suddenly infatuated with you
If you’ve hit Bingo this week or even been contacted by one of these mysterious, obviously up-to-no-good account holders, you deserve a medal — or at least a good laugh. Remember, it is always okay to say “No” and call them out on their crap. You will be all the better for it!
So, here’s my official statement to the crown princes, fake celebrities, nosy app users with fake accounts, and cult leaders of SubStack:
No, I do not want to join your movement, chat with you privately on another platform, or become your bestie. I’m here to write, not to fix your lonely heart or embezzlement problem. Bottom line: Don’t reach out to real people doing real work because you will be blocked, muted, and severely disappointed! You guys are easy to spot and even easier to delete!
About the Author:
If you've also been recruited for the Illuminati this week or asked to be the Saudi Crown Prince's "special friend" on WhatsApp, hit subscribe — we're in this together. When she's not dodging cult leaders, fake foreign princes, and painfully unreal Hollywood star accounts, she writes about real life, real struggles, and ongoing self-discovery projects.
✨ Drop a comment below if you've got your own inbox horror story — let's make this a group therapy session! ✨
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