Joe Bloggs meets the expert

Joe Bloggs

Hi and welcome to this edition of Meet The Expert - the show in which I, the common man, come face to face with a world expert in their narro… specific field of study.

AND

(dramatic pause)

… I ask the questions you want asked.

(small pause - looking very serious)

(back to friendly)

My guest this week - Professor Nicholasmore.

Welcome!

Professor Nicholasmore

Hello. Thanks very much for having me on your show. I don’t mix much with the common man I’m afraid! But I’ll do my best to speak slowly.

Joe Bloggs

That’s umm

…very thoughtful of you Professor.

Now this week I’ve a had a massive load of letters from the common man, far more than usual in fact - this is clearly a very popular subject!

I really hadn’t realised to be frank.

So perhaps I can just take the first letter and we can take it from there?

Professor Nicholasmore

Super. Looking forward to it.

Joe Bloggs

Ok. The first letter on the pile is from Barry Rerab in Wigan - and I must say, it’s a question I want answered too.

Barry writes about the FBS reduction process.

Professor Nicholasmore

Oh excellent, I can talk all day about that!

Joe Bloggs

Great! Barry asks, “I don’t see how reducing the FBS shows that viruses exist.

Professor Nicholasmore

What?!?

Joe Bloggs

Is there a problem Professor?

Professor Nicholasmore

What on earth is he going on about viruses for? I don’t know anything about viruses!

Joe Bloggs

But you are a virologist!

Professor Nicholasmore

No I’m not!

Joe Bloggs

Oh dear I think there’s been a mix up with the research team I’m so sorry.

Professor Nicholasmore

Can’t be helped! Anyway, I’m intrigued ! Why did you mention FBS reduction?

Joe Bloggs

Well, ok, perhaps I can take this chance anyway - to outline my understanding and confusion to an other expert - perhaps you can make head or tail of this virology business!

Professor Nicholasmore

I’m always ready to give my 10cc’s worth

Joe Bloggs

Ok, so let me give a summary of how mad this whole reification / inference shambles is.

You’ll probably see this clearer than any virologist!

The insanity of the “virus isolation” process is actually much more obvious to none virologists than virologists.

It’s literally akin to saying

We hypothesise a Santa

The effect of this Santa is that presents appear under a tree.

We are going to specifically look under a tree on Christmas morning only.

We have in fact done that many times. We found Christmas presents nearly all the time.

Thus we have proved the existence of Santa.

Professor Nicholasmore

<silence>

Joe Bloggs

…now the virologist can understand this but within their own field, the protocols are established, the methods are…

Professor Nicholasmore

… I suppose you think that is terribly funny.

Joe Bloggs

I don’t know what you mean?

Professor Nicholasmore

Mix-up in the researcher my arse Sir! You did this deliberately to humiliate me!

Joe Bloggs

I’m afraid you have me very confused Professor!

Professor Nicholasmore

So you claim you genuinely don’t know my field of study?

Joe Bloggs

I honestly thought you were a virologist.

Professor Nicholasmore

Well I’m not. (Pause)

Joe Bloggs

Ok. Professor can you tell us all your field of study please?

Professor Nicholasmore

Thank you. Better late than never. As your researcher very well knows I am a Santologist.

Joe Bloggs

I’m afraid I don’t know that field Professor. I’m very sorry. If my researcher has done this deliberately they will be sacked.

Professor Nicholasmore

As a Santologist I provide proof of the existence of Santa to counteract the current PsyOp pretending that Santa doesn’t exist.

Joe Bloggs

…so… how does that work then?

Professor Nicholasmore

Ok. Well we know very little about Santa except one crucial fact, he leaves presents under indoor trees!

Joe Bloggs

Ummm…

Professor Nicholasmore

So we can use this to find clues about him.

Joe Bloggs

I’m afraid you have me very confused again Professor!

Professor Nicholasmore

All we have to do is look under indoor trees and examine the presents that are left. And let me tell you we have looked many, many times, the presents are always there.

Joe Bloggs

Every time you look under an indoor tree you find presents?

Professor Nicholasmore

Yes indeed, regular as clockwork.

Joe Bloggs

But I have an indoor tree in a pot? No presents ever come?

Professor Nicholasmore

Well of course this is the problem, there are a smattering of indoor trees around on an average day but we have found a way of focusing on the phenomenon and making it statistically very significant indeed!

Joe Bloggs

I suppose I have to ask..

So how do you achieve this?

Professor Nicholasmore

We reduce the FBS to 2% and voila, success every time.

Joe Bloggs

The FBS ?

Professor Nicholasmore

Very sorry (laughs) we experts forget that much of our language must sound like magic spells and fairy-dust to you, the common man.

The FBS reduction is key. We look under indoor trees with a specific FBS percentage. 2% in fact.

Joe Bloggs

You still haven’t said what FBS stands for.

Professor Nicholasmore

Ah! This number is the percentage of the 12 days of Christmas from its start 6.00 am Christmas morning. We call it the Fetal Baby Saviour percentage. FBS for short.

We take 6.00 a.m. on the 25th of December as the start of the Twelve days of Christmas and look under indoor trees for a period of 5 hours 45 minutes and 36 seconds - that’s 2% exactly.

Joe Bloggs

…of… the Twelve days of Christmas?

Professor Nicholasmore

Indeed

Joe Bloggs

But why? Why the Twelve days of Christmas? Why 2%? Don’t you ever look under trees on ANY other day? I thought he was always supposed to leave presents !

Professor Nicholasmore

Short and simple? This is what gets results. We’ve tried many approaches but this one works very well indeed. It produces presents we can analyse.

We only look on other days when we are doing a control experiment.

Joe Bloggs

A control experiment?

Professor Nicholasmore

Yes we sometimes erect an anti-Santa field around a tree in the middle of the year. There’s never any presents.

Joe Bloggs

…..ok…let’s park the mechanics of the anti-Santa field - for ever if possible - let’s assume you have an anti-Santa field.

What happens if you check for presents with an anti-Santa field when the FBS is 2% ?

Or if you look in the middle of the year without an anti-Santa field ?

Professor Nicholasmore

No, we don’t do either of those two things. We concentrate on collecting the presents and analysing them.

Joe Bloggs

(Pause) …. I have one more question for you though I’m terrified of the answer.

How do you analyse the presents?

Professor Nicholasmore

Now this you will like, it’s very ingenious, we collect all the boxes and then we do the special process.

Joe Bloggs

….Go on….

Professor Nicholasmore

First, we stamp the boxes until they’re very thin along with everything else in the room. Then remove all the water, add 3 types of acid, and heavy metal staining, we bake the result in an oven at 350 degrees Celsius for an hour, we take very thin slices of the result then mount them on boards one mile away and film them through telescopes.

Joe Bloggs

……and….. what have you learnt?

Professor Nicholasmore

He has a beard.

Joe Bloggs

Goodnight Professor

(Off camera) That researcher is dead!