My first word was "bellbow" as in "elbow,"

I’ve been saying that ^ for what feels like nine years. But I’m happy to report that today I did! I stretched for 10 minutes, and wow, have I lost some flexibility. Isn’t that always the case? If you don’t use it, you lose it. One exception being the mind. I overuse it and now I’m losing it [by way of overthinking everything]. Especially this post/Substack/newsletter.

You’re here because you kindly put your email into my website mailing list that was powered by Mailchimp. I barely understood the Mailchimp interface, and it was grossly expensive for me to use so infrequently, so I moved us all here. And for 7 months I have sent you absolutely nothing because I tend to treat everything with a preciousness it often does not warrant. That creates a low-grade fear which leads to inaction.

One of my fears is that I’m bothering you. But you signed up to hear when I’m performing stand-up comedy near you! So to that point:

I live in Los Angeles and perform anywhere between one and seven shows a week, but I haven’t been putting those on my website. Should I? I share them on my Instagram stories, but I will start adding some local shows that I wouldn’t mind you watching. Mostly I don’t want you to catch me bombing at the Laugh Factory.

If you’re not in the United States, I hope I can visit you someday! And it’s okay to unsubscribe. THAT was another fear of mine but I’ve stayed subscribed to Crossbow Leather & Hats and I don’t even know who that is. Very possible that an enemy signed me up. With so much to do and look at on the Internet, deleting emails might be the raking of sand in my zen garden. So if you delete me, I consider it a gentle raking or even a nice pet. Thank you. I’m relaxed in your trash right now and you don’t even know it!!

I would like to use my Substack to share my experiences from the road because I have adventures but I don’t commit them to writing, and then they evaporate for the most part. I tend to be hard on myself so I don’t think something like this will be good enough and then I don’t do it. There is no shortage of [worse] content out on these web streets contributing to our discontent, so I can only offer my honest self and hope it helps. I must stop being so precious about the Internet, however; its fleeting permanence worries me. YES you scroll right past it, but it IS there forever.

I heard1 that the human attention span is now less than a goldfish [9 seconds] and half of what it was a decade ago. [Some hacky joke congratulating you on reading this far.] When you and I are in the same room together, I get to entertain you for an hour and I care so much about that being a fun, cathartic, enlightening mind-vacation for you, as well as an ab workout - or face- depending on how you laugh. I love touring and I appreciate you coming to see me. Maybe this Substack can be a shorter, less planned mind-vacation? Whoops you’re thinking about what you need at the grocery. And it could be a good exercise in training your attention span to last longer! You’re wondering where you parked. Hold your pee a little longer and see if that helps.

Telling you a schedule of when I will write is not a good idea. I’m the type of person who goes to therapy on an as-needed basis and that is typically when I find myself crying at a paper towel commercial. Another thing that made me cry? The show Bad Sisters on Apple TV. My friend Sharon Horgan knocked it outta the park.

In conclusion we are coming upon that holiday season and if you’re like me, you’re looking for low-budge, unique gifts. Well I have some right here on Melody Lane!2 You’ll find socks, stickers, vinyl of my latest hour on Netflix “If You Didn’t Want Me Then,” photo postcards, apparel3 and greeting cards for people who shoot semen into active uteruses.

Stocking Stuffers