Chemobrain is Real … But Still I’m Grateful

Patients receiving or who have received chemotherapy often experience cognitive dysfunction caused by the toxic chemicals dripped into their bodies. Some patients recover fully from the damage to their brains. Others do not. And some, like me, recover somewhat after treatment but never seem to quite regain their pre-cancer acuity, stamina, and focus.

For me, chemobrain is a fog rolling over my mind, causing facts to no longer have that stickability – no sooner do I learn something, that it often evaporates. I have great difficulty paying attention to or even remembering what people say, and reading books can pose a challenge. My note-taking is usually all in a jumble, not like in my neat pre-chemo days.

Medical professionals have blamed my chemobrain on depression, menopause, aging, and/or stress. And maybe these factors have had a hand in causing my cognitive problems. But, I maintain, that I know my body, and that chemobrain is the major player causing my brain to have difficulty retaining information well or keeping track of certain characters or details in novels and other books.

I’ll be honest here. I have spent much time over the years feeling sorry for myself for all that I’ve lost, thanks to chemotherapy. But now it’s time to recalibrate. Here’s a short list, in no order of importance, of what I’m grateful for.

1. My faithful companions are my electronic calendar, as well as my daily to-do list that I always carry around. I get a natural high crossing off what I accomplish each day. And these companions simultaneously make up for my unfocused ways.

2. My daughter and my cat Oliver. Recently, Oliver had a medical scare, which saw me taking him to the local Emergency Department for animals. Turns out, he is fine. Since his medical incident, he has turned to me for comfort and now sleeps with me in my bed, which he never did before.

3. Despite my intellectual struggles resulting from chemotherapy treatment, my writing and artistic abilities were unscathed by cancer treatment. My creativity staying intact is a huge win for me.

4. I am so happy that I maintain a beginner’s mindset. This has been so important, especially when trying to learn new art techniques.

5. I’m so glad I am an artist. I spent too many years of my life in the corporate world, a life that never served me. Now I get to enjoy my time creating.

6. I’m grateful to live a creative life. On social media recently, a question geared toward artists, asked, what is the difficult part of creating art? While one artist cited that making errors was frustrating, I couldn’t help but think that creating art isn’t difficult for me – not because I’m a great artist – but because I love what I’m doing. Making errors and dealing with frustrations is a normal part of creation, and I try to embrace all aspects of a creative life.

Though this list seems short, my gratitude is infinite.

This week, I focused on my watercolor skills. Though I have a long way to go, I keep trying and know that I must be patient.