This is what I look like now

Ok, look. I know I said I didn’t want to talk about the “Go Away” of it all again…but the song is literally not going away lol, so here we are. Again. I guess I’m using it as an excuse to finally talk about something I’ve been wanting to open up about but I’ve been a little too scared to.

I’ve been sitting with a lot of complicated feelings lately. Watching this song come back to life 12 years later is surreal and really magical, and I don’t take any of it for granted for even a second. But also, being dragged back into that era of my life and seeing all these old photos and videos of myself has been really fucking hard. I’ve talked about this before, but it never really gets easier to say (or type): I was very unwell with an eating disorder and a substance abuse problem back then. That version of me is someone I’ve worked super hard to…go away from (I’m sorry, the puns just write themselves).

I still don’t really know how to talk about that time in my life in a way that feels articulate because I’m still actively working through it. We are very much “in progress” over here, so yeah, seeing these old photos and videos and now being back in front of a camera in a body that looks completely different has been a lot for me. I desperately want to be the girl who’s like, I love my postpartum body!! It created life!! and serves you body confidence wrapped up in a cute little bow, but I’d be lying to you if I said that’s where I’m at. This is the biggest my body has ever been, and yeah, well, that’s not easy for me! Especially right now, when it feels like everyone collectively decided that being super thin is “in” again? Cool cool cool.

I try really hard to be a “two things can exist at once” person, so that’s what I’m trying to do here. I can be deeply grateful for this moment and feel triggered by it. I can be celebrating what’s happening and also low-key spiraling when I see certain images of myself. And look, I know logically that I am so much healthier now, but I’m still having a hard time with what I see. Being visible again when I don’t feel fully comfortable in my body is scary as hell! Like, hi, hello, please don’t perceive me! But also please stream the song! You know? I’m saying all of this because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. And every time I’m actually honest about hard shit like this, it ends up making me feel less alone, and I know it helps some of you too.

I wish I had a profound ending to this, but I don’t because I’m still learning how to be nicer to myself and still trying to untangle my worth from what I look like, especially now that I have a daughter. I really, really don’t want her to grow up with the same feelings around her body that I’ve carried for so long. It’s a daily practice to live in this version of my body with compassion, but I’m doing my best, and that’s all I can do.

One thing I know for sure is that the person I was 12 years ago really needed help. And the person I am today knows how to help herself. Back then I had zero tools and no awareness. I thought I was in control, but I was completely disconnected from my body and my needs. And now, even on the days when it’s really fucking hard, I can at least recognize what’s happening in my brain and question it. Sometimes, I can even choose something kinder instead of something destructive. Do I do that all the time? Lol, no. But at least now I know how to come back from it. And that feels like something, so I guess that’s good? I keep thinking about the irony of all of this too. A song called “Go Away” coming back this many years later while I’m sitting here trying to tell old thoughts about my body to do exactly that. Would simply love for the universe and all its little teachable moments to go away!!!

Anyway. I know my body isn’t my enemy, and I can just try to live in it instead of constantly trying to fix it or run away from it. Maybe that’s the lesson right now, just staying here instead of trying to chase some old version of me that wasn’t even okay to begin with. Which sounds easy but is probably some of the hardest and most important work I’ve ever had to do. But also, I gave birth, and that was really fucking hard, so, like, I think I can do anything now.

Aright, now I’m kind of embarrassed that I let all of this out, but oversharing is what I do best, so oh well!!!!! Love you - please be nice to yourself.

xo Bethany