Well, it finally happened. I crashed a motorcycle.
Over the years, I have had my share of close calls, dropped bikes, and even a collision with deer (but never crashed). This time was different; I had no time to prepare, and as quickly as I saw it, I was on the ground, tumbling into a nearby drainage ditch.
This past week I’ve spent moving slowly, counting my blessings and enjoying the silence.
In these deep reflections, I realized that this might be one of the few times in my life I was prepared to slow down.
Sitting in silence has always been a challenge. I gained some ground during my time practicing zazen meditation, but as things do, it slipped away and became a memory.
In the silence of the day, as I navigate the pain of fractured bones and bruised muscles, I think back to the restlessness of my youth.
My free time was always filled with people and things. I didn’t know it at the time, but the silence hurt too much, and I needed consistent stimulation to keep the voices and emotions I didn’t want at bay.
During those years, I just chalked it up to being young and social.
Only now, with a more mature reflection on who I was and who I became, can I see what I was really doing to myself.
Fast forward 20-something years later, and I still battle with silence.
Only on my best days am I able to sit with my emotions. I tell myself I’m ok with solitude, at least most of the time. I convinced myself that is why I spend so much time on two wheels. To be alone with my thoughts and work through whatever needs attention.
It wasn’t until this crash and the aftermath that I realized I had been doing what I always do. Fill my free time with activities and convince myself that I’m doing something else.
I have been so focused on developing and creating my space in the world that I forgot to stop and sit with what’s already been built.
In the silence, I’ve seen what I have done and where I’m falling short.
Take this as a reminder to stay quiet.
Listen to your heart.
The hardest part is not building a life; it’s pausing to realize you’re actually living in one.
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