Carer vs Career: Holding Both

No one warns you about the anger.

The ABC ran a story last week on anger and motherhood, featuring my mentor Dr Sophie Brock. Read it here. I love that this conversation is in the mainstream media.

It spoke about the hidden fury many mothers feel beneath the surface, not just because of sleepless nights or endless chores, but because of the weight of the mental load. The never-ending to-do list. The cultural myth of the “perfect mother.” The way we’re gaslit out of admitting: I’m angry. I’m stretched. I’m exhausted.

Reading this, I feel seen. And confronted. I’ve been wrestling with lots of familiar feelings about carer vs career in the last few weeks and while the information in this article isn’t new to me, it did hit home again.

I want to write more books. Run international retreats. Speak on stages. Create the bigger vision that keeps tugging at me. But then the thoughts pour in: Is it the right season? How can I do it? Older women tell me there is so much time. I want to do all the things AND I don’t want to miss out on anything when it comes to my amazing boys.

I’m writing this while at the Thriving Women conference, hosted by WoTL. As these events do, yesterday sparked a lot in me: conversations, ideas, a zoomed out perspective. I know I will return home today grown, stretched, better for it. And yet, I nearly didn’t come. It felt hard to put the pieces together to be able to get away. I can’t do this often, and the cost of carving out the space is real.

When we say yes to something we’re saying no to something else.

There’s a saying that our children are our most important work. I agree. AND I believe the things I want to do and say is important work too. Both matter. My children are my most important work. And so is writing my current book. This work of shaping stories, creating safe spaces, and bringing what’s invisible into the light. And I’m a better Mum and person when I am energised, contributing, meeting my own values.

But some days, I wonder if holding both is even possible. The domestic and mothering load is real and somedays my bandwidth is just not there.

The story mentions this article which references a study that found, on average, mothers reported being responsible for abot 73 per cent of all cognitive household labour (ie: the mental load) — compared with their partners' 27 per cent.

The ambition is also real. The push and pull can feel impossible.

"It's not just you. You're not the only one struggling with this, and the fact that you're feeling this does not mean you're a bad mother." - Dr Sophie Brock

And then another thought: what if there is no ‘later’? What if I don’t get another decade to write this book, or bring my vision into the world? But if I die tomorrow, was I there for my children enough? Was I the woman and mother I wanted to be? AND will they know their mother also chased what lit her up?

That’s the tension I sit in: the carer and the career. The anger and the love. The dreams and the daily minutiae. I wonder if you do too?

There isn’t a perfect solution. Maybe the work is simply to name it. To stop pretending this is easy. To say out loud what so many of us feel: I am holding both. And at times it is heavy.

And maybe, just maybe, that honesty is what lightens the load.

Our retreat is coming up and registrations are now open!

Katrina Myers (that’s her with the amazing food above) and I are hosting a 2 day, 2 night retreat for just six women at Katrina's gorgeous Lost & Found Retreat and The Hut on the Murray, near Barham, NSW.

Think: restorative yoga, sound bathing, massage, nourishing meals, space for your own projects, 1:1 coaching, and the kind of conversations that stay with you long after you return home.

The focus is rejuvenation, reflection, connection and time away to focus on you, but we're also honing in on space for a project that's important to you. This is your opportunity to have the space and time to progress a project that you’ve been marinating on.

Click here to read all the details!

Places are limited and will be offered on a first-booked basis. If this sounds like what you’ve been craving, just hit reply and I’ll send you the booking form. There are 4 places left: 2 single occupancy rooms ($2,800) and a twin share room for 2 ($2,500). It's going to be really special.

In my final news for today I’m very excited to report that we have bought a farm and home to call our own near Moama, NSW! It seems we are going to be NSW residents for the long haul!

I somehow didn’t take a single photo of us out there on the weekend celebrating with a campfire. We are really happy and now the renovation begins before we can move in! To be honest the renovation process feels a bit outside of my comfort zone but, as we know, that is where the growth happens. So I’m adjusting my attitude to look at it as fun and my next level of personal growth! Here goes.

Have a beautiful rest of the week and let me know what you think about my thoughts on the carer vs career conundrum.

With love,

Benita x