What The F-Bomb is Going On?

Everywhere I point my ears, I hear F-bombs: F*ck you, F*ck me, F*ck this, F*ck that.

The F-word used to be reserved for locker room pleasantries and drunken family gatherings. Now it can be heard on TV shows, in political rantings and in wedding toasts.

We’ve gone from “Have a nice day” to “Have a F*ckn’ nice day.” Even when it’s bleeped you can read the speaker’s pixelated lips – not to mention a trembling middle finger begging to make an appearance.

I suppose it’s generational. When he was starting out in the bubble business, I can’t imagine young band leader Lawrence Welk counting off, “And a-one, and a-two, and a-f*cking three.”

Will the F-word ever again retain its shock value? If not, we’re going to need new terms the jolt and jar us. I have a few suggestions and their correct use:

• He’s nothing but a two-timing mothertrumper.

• Hey waiter, get your pickle balls over here, pronto!

• I like to grab ‘em by the Katman-definitely-du!

• You no like me? Then shove it inuendo!

• I’m talking to you, wanker doodle dandy!

• May the road rise to meet you with a sloppy French kiss.

• Drop the knife. You’re Snollygosting with the wrong man, bro!

• Say that to my face, you geriatric jock strap!

• Stop sloking your flibbergibbet and get to work!

• That girl dopplebanged her way to the top.

Do I think any of these tasteless tarts have what it takes to be our next go-to obscenity?

The F*ck if I know.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”