“My relationship with Jack the Ripper Was a Major Error of Judgement”

A who’s who list of powerful and famous people with ties to serial killer Jack the Ripper, aka the Whitechapel Murderer, continues to grow. All have denied knowledge of his gory wrongdoings. Yet some of them maintained friendships with him, even after news of his grisly crimes.

Following the release of a series of letters that began: “Elementary, my dear Jack,” Sherlock Holmes author Arthur Conan Doyle expressed that he is “deeply ashamed” of his association with Mr. Ripper, calling it a “major error of judgement.” Mr. Doyle has denied witnessing any criminal behavior, stating, “He always seemed like a perfect gentleman while lugging prostitutes slung over his shoulder.”

Miss Florence Nightingale has publicly described her relationship with Jack the Ripper as a “huge mistake and, at best, totally regrettable.” “He did occasionally ask my opinion about disemboweling and disinfectant, but I didn’t put the two together.” She emphasized she never witnessed “inappropriate conduct.” Miss Nightingale now strongly regrets every minute spent with him, and “had I known of any wrongdoing, I would have taken immediate action.”

Lewis Carroll, author of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” said his time with Jack the Ripper “now seems like pure fantasy – and believe me, I know something about fantasy.” “I thought he was just a guy who could spin a good tale. In retrospect, I should have been curiouser and a hell of a lot more curiouser.”

The private secretary for Queen Victoria declined to comment on her communications with Jack the Ripper. However, he did quote the Queen: “My statement, ‘Jack is one of my dearest friends’ has been taken totally out of context.” The secretary added: “Her Majesty immediately cut off all communication with Mr. Ripper when she learned what he had been cutting off.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”