Extrovert Like Me

I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be an extrovert; to live each day with an insatiable need for social interaction; to speak before completing my thoughts; to feel comfortable in large groups of people regardless of their taste in music. And the most unfathomable thing of all: to make eye contact with total strangers in elevators.

A voice deep inside me – do introverts have any other kind? – needed to find out. I decided to temporarily live my life as an extrovert. I would change my personality to pass as a man with a gregarious nature and a reasonable number of friends.

To prepare, I needed to learn how extroverts think and what they feel. I concluded the best way to do that is sit near the hostess stand at a local Olive Garden restaurant. From this vantage point I observed outgoing people smiling, making eye contact, and greeting each other warmly. Some even talked to strangers, using phrases like, “Hi there” and “Have you eaten here before?”

I stayed until I became emotionally drained from repeatedly hearing, “Thanks, you have a nice day, too.” After finally arriving home, I threw myself on my futon and shared my day with the only one who truly understands me: my jade plant, Lucifer.

The day finally came for me to assume my identity as an extrovert. I woke early, showered, and chose my wardrobe. For the first time in years, I did not dress in black. And for the first time, I planned to leave my beret at home.

As was my normal routine, I ate breakfast while listening to “BBC News: Turkmenistan.” I finished my tea and turned the program off. My pulse quickened. Slowly, I stood up and prepared to leave the comfort and security of my 800-square-foot sanctuary, and head into the extrovert world.

Two hours later I reached the outside of my apartment. I locked the door and turned. Running straight towards me was an Amazon deliveryman winding up to heave a package on my front step. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage, and spoke: “Hey, how ya doin’? Thanks so much, buddy! Have a great day!”

I fell to my knees and crawled back into my apartment. It was worse than I thought.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”