Are My Facebook Friends Really My Friends?

As a test, I asked each of my Facebook friends to give me a ride to the airport. I’m still waiting for a response.

This leads me to ask: Are they really my friends?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m thankful my followers don’t follow me when I leave the house. Still, if I were in dire need of help, I’d like to think they’d do more than type, “We’re pulling for you! sad emoji.”

I was amazed when I started using social media. “Wow, I have so many friends!” I immediately created a birthday gift registry.

I was so impressed that old classmates I barely knew wanted to be my Facebook friend. This will be my chance to start over. Maybe even go to the junior prom.

I now suspect social media friends are not the same as regular friends. Would they even know my birthday if they didn’t receive a reminder message? (I’m talking about you, Neal Grafton who, for the life of me, I can’t remember from anywhere.)

Yes, you can never have enough friends – especially when you need help lifting a heavy sofa bed up a narrow flight of stairs. If you were choking on a chicken sandwich, wouldn’t you want a friend to do more than type “I’m praying for you”?

But would I like to have close, personal relationships with 3,000 Facebook friends? That’s a lot of people to comfort after their spouses have run off with their pickle ball instructor. I don’t want to lay awake at night wondering if one of the Debbies or Dicks will call with another complaint about another Debbie or Dick.

It’s not that I only want perfect friends. Although, I now better understand the appeal of having AI friends and lovers. You can always count on them as long as you have a wireless connection. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who always tells you what you want to hear – without an uneasiness that implies, “Maybe we should start seeing other AI companions.”

So, I will stick with my close circle of family and friends in the flesh. But I will also value those countless others whose identity I’m vaguely familiar with – especially the ones who, for no particular reason, tell me: “YOU ROCK!!!” I will, however, not drive them to the airport.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”